We Did Nothing Wrong
It’s a question that haunts me… What if?
I consciously don’t allow myself to start playing this question out in my mind. Nothing good can come from doing it. There’s no possible way to change the past, no matter how many times and ways I run the scenarios. That’s not to say that I don’t catch myself doing this. It happens everyday. Hell, it happens often. When it does, I immediately cut this train of thought off.
I remind myself that I am not to blame.
Ryan is not to blame.
We did nothing wrong.
Where Would it End
It’s easy to know the exact day, right down to the very minute, when the “what if?” game begins. It’s the night of November 7, 2009. This is when Ryan wanted to go to the convenience store behind his college house to grab one of his late-night snacks. Something he did many nights before.
How could he have known that he would never make it? To be left for dead on the cold gravel parking lot as his brutal attackers hid behind a dumpster watching him bleed and seize… well, until they heard the police sirens. Then they ran, as cowards always do. Their only concern was being caught and not if my son would draw another breath. How could have I ever prepared him for such random violence? But, in fact, I did. He handled it perfectly. What he couldn’t handle was a blind side, sucker-punch and a kick to his head while out cold.
I don’t think Ryan, or me, or anyone else, would feel threatened by strolling with two others alongside campus… in a well-lit area bustling with people. I know, even if I had been there that night, I wouldn’t have given him any reason for caution in doing this. What would I have said to him before he walked out the door? Maybe something like, “Hey, grab me one of those snacks as well “, but I just can’t imagine I would have had the least bit of concern for his safety.
But I wasn’t there. I didn’t have the option of going with him. Still, why do I feel I let him down?
Where it would end — in the senseless game of “what if” — becomes vastly more difficult to decide.
Actual video frame of Ryan (white semi-formal shirt, extreme left) backpedaling with hands up. Austin Vantrease (stripped shirt), Jonathan May & others from the “Delaware Gang” are running him down.
Ideally, it would be that very same night. For the most part, I loved my life up to that time. I must remind myself that there was no way I could have known a group of carousing thugs would target my son (and his housemate).
I wish I could honestly deny that I sometimes prefer that I’d never been born. So, perhaps, this is where I frame it? Perhaps. Or, maybe the night I was conceived would be more suitable? What if my parents had never met back in the late 1950s?
What if I or Sue had not met in college? We both had plenty of options of where to go. In fact, it was a her last-minute decision to switch from another school that she had already committed. What about that sun-drenched afternoon we meet in late-August 1983? Anything could have changed this!
Why did I decide to take the long way back to my college apartment; a path that passed in front of her dorm room window? Why did I decide, along with my group of friends, to wear idiotic hats that grabbed her attention enough to make her comment? What if I had stopped to pee for even just a minute? We never would have met.
Would each of us be happier now?
I sometimes wonder if, given the choice, what my decision would be if I could go back in time. Would I chose for us to meet? Would she opt to let me walk on by?
We created two people that we love more than our own lives. I know Sue will agree, we love them more than we love each other. But I tell you this, both of us would give up our lives together if it meant our children’s happiness. If I knew that she would have had Ryan and Kari with another man and it would have changed the course of Ryan’s life, I would have stepped aside. Like any other parent, I suppose, we would sacrifice our happiness (and life) — every ounce of it — for our children.
You see, so many decisions… and random occurrences… a seemingly inconsequential chains of events… could have changed everything. For me, the simple one is that Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May were never conceived. Just forego that instance… that one-in-a-billion chance… that a diseased sperm fertilized a corrupt egg.
Who Would You Save?
It was in 1998. Sue and I were on a “Mini Vacation” with the children in Panama City, Florida. It was over the Easter weekend. The beach was void of people this time of year. It was just how we wanted it. We rented a hotel room that was literally on the beach. Really. It was just a matter of opening the hotel room door to step onto the sand.
We made many major life-decisions that weekend. One was to move back to Northern Virginia from Georgia. It meant that we would both quit our jobs in careers that were flourishing. I remember me asking her, “What are we chasing here anyhow”. We made this decision in the best interests of our children.
The hotel room door was open as Sue and I sat just outside it. We were watching the waves rise, then break against the beach. I looked over my shoulder and took a mental snapshot of my children, just seven and five years old, sleeping on the bed. I knew we made the right decision. Sue must have noticed me doing this and gave a smile that was her way of expressing confirmation.
We never looked back. Well, until November 7, 2009. What if we had stayed in Georgia?
The conversation turned from planning our next moves to a deeper plane. I can’t recall which asked the question first, and I suppose it really doesn’t matter. It was “If I and one of the kids were drowning, and you could only save one, who would it be?” Is there really a “right” answer to this question, I wondered? Would the truth hurt? How could I tell her it wouldn’t be her? How angry would I be if she told me it would be me?
That question hung in the air for some time. I remember thinking it felt like fog sitting on the ocean. Turns out, we both had the same answer, but feared it would hurt each other to hear it.
You know what. The truth didn’t hurt one iota. We both resolved it EXACTLY the same! You know what we said to each other?
It was two things, actually. First, we acknowledged that we love our children more than anything else. It was the kind way, without either outright vocalizing, of saying it would be our child that would live. Yes, we love them to that extent, but we are obligated to them as well. I suppose this might upset some partners in a marriage, but I can tell you that this is both what we wanted to hear.
But, with all that aside, it is what we said next that meant the most to us. It was something that strengthened the marriage. It stopped any further conversation on the topic. What we said was simple…
“Because I know this is what you would want”.
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I really enjoyed reading your post, it was beautiful. It’s clear that you and Sue share true love. It’s also clear that your kids are your top priority and I feel the same way about my family. Hope Ryan is feeling better and I am praying for your family. God Bless You,
Very touching post. I know from experience that you can nearly drive yourself crazy with “what-if” scenarios, and that ultimately there are no answers for those expecting resolution or fairness. I do believe that people get what they deserve either in this life or the next. I sincerely hope that you can find relief from those types of thoughts for a while and, if at all possible, do something fun or even mildly relaxing. If anyone deserves it, you and your family do.
Ken,
What if the rest of the world loved the way you and Sue do? Now that’s the real question. SHSP
What a family bond and wow your story is heartbreaking and it angers me FOR you. As a mom of a son about to enter college, I cannot begin to imagine one ounce of the pain you and your wife and daughter feel daily. Much love to you all. You are one AMAZING father. You and your wife are Ryan’s “voice” and NEVER give up.
Keeping you all and Ryan in my heart always. Stay strong
Beautifully written <3
You are a wonderful dad…wish my children’s father had an ounce of you in him…Ryan is so blessed to have you…you are truly an angel.
This brought tears to my eyes, Amazing Writing!!! I still keep you all in my prayers, the kind of love that your family shares….is the same love that my family has for each other. It’s a very sad and sickening thing that those ( somehow I can’t bring myself to call them humans) so I will have to say low life’s did to your precious son. God will be the judge of those low life’s one day, and I am positive that it will be an eternal Hell that they will live in. Prayers always for your loving family.
I think love ground us more than the depths that our conscious mind let’s us go. I don’t personally know your family, but I think of you guys often. My life is much different, all of our struggles are. My family has been caring for my mom’s, mother for 9 years (I’m 24). I’ve learned lessons that books can’t tell me. Watching someone you love struggle with life is the hardest thing ever. She passed away less than a month ago. I realized that love got us here and love got us through it. 24/7 care is exhausting and you will always have hard moments where your mind runs to dark places, and that’s ok. I think your family is one of the strongest I know, so just try to remember that Ryan loves you and that’s the most important. God bless you and your family. ♡
Sending prayers always!
As always, Beautifully written by a dad who loves his family and children more than life itself. I think of your son and family often. It’s one of the tragic news stories that I will NEVER be able to forget. I am only an outsider looking in. I feel that you and your wife are great parents who always wanted the best for your children. I believe Ryan’s life with a wife, children and career would have been text-book perfect had he not encountered the “THUGS” that night. I am sorry that evil exists in our human race. Prayers for your entire family to have endless blessings.
just really sad what happened….prayers
Great post, great response Jean. How true, our consultation on earth is to know that some people here will burn in hell forever. There is a God!
So many points I relate to in this post, and in many other posts that you have made over the years Ken. I rarely comment, I don’t always even read. Sometimes it’s just too painful to bear it. I realize that I have the luxury of scrolling beyond your posts in order to compartmentalize or “put your journey away” in order to protect myself from your pain. In May it will be 8 years without my son, and the grief and what it’s can still be so overwhelming. What I do want you and your family to know is that never a day goes by without a thought of my son Jim or your son Ryan. You and your family are just amazing. Always praying.
What a wonderful and amazing post as always, my hearts just breaks for you and your Family. Praying for Ryan daily. I know alot of us use the ‘what if” . I also would give my life for my 2 Children as any parent would. May God Bless you all always <3 <3 <3 <3
sounds like us…we also ask ourselves, “what if?” …my son in law was in a head on collision 5 1/2 years ago, suffered a traumatic brain injury and compound fractures that are hindering his journey to healing…he continues to slowly improve after telling us he was going to be in a vegetative state for the rest of his life…faith and a lot of prayers get us through…keeping your family in my prayers…God bless
Thanks for sharing this wonderful post!
That kind of love does not go unrewarded, because it is eternal. Ryan and Kari are so blessed to have you and Sue as their parents and would never choose to trade either of you in for a different life. Never question that. Love all of you Divineys!
Ken, my heart breaks for your family and my prayers on a daily basis are, God please let Ryan wake up so he can live the life he deserves.
This was so powerful, Ken. Thanks so much for sharing.
Ken,
You can’t be reliving your life; it does no good to do that; you and your family have done nothing wrong. You sent your song to school just as all of us have done, to hopefully improve their chance at life! I guarantee the brochures from the different collages didn’t include a graph showing statistics on whether your son would be brutally attacked by a couple of scumbags; it’s like those poor kids attacked at Virginia Tech, my sisters have sent their children there in spite of that. So stop playing that game, my friend, I does no good! Try to use your energy on things like your family’s sanity, wish I had something more to offer you.
Ken, my brother, please dont beat yourself up! What ifs are never healthy. We cannot go back & change what has happened. I cant think of Scott Bakula’s character name or the show but we have no one like him to go back in time and change things. I smile when i think of my oldest grandniece & her boyfriend getting “caught” by her dad who gently told them he almost got a girl pregnant when he was 16. Her dad wouldve arranged a “shotgun marriage.” He would never have left where he was & come here for college & grad school, never met my niece & the kids wouldnt be here. I’ve often mused if i had not met the man I love so dearly 34 years ago I probably would be dead of AIDS. We just never know.
My mom & her mom were “moms” till they died. They would have done anything for their children. They would have walked into the fires of hell & fought Satan himself! Nothing is more precious to parents than their children.
Evil, my brother, is as old as human existence. I think of the people senselessly murdered 9/11, all the people who went to work that day, got on a plane and never came home. There was no way you could have known these cowardly thugs would assault Ryan and so grievously injure him. Someday, they will face the Ultimate Judge who, as He said, will “set ALL things right in heaven and on earth!” God be with you, Ryan & your family. You have a lot of prayers going up on your behalf. Today was our monthly seniors luncheon at a local Lutheran Church. I added Ryan & Tripp Halstead to their prayer list. Peace, Ken. Take care of YOURSELF as well as Ryan. Caregivers need to take care of themselves. God bless.
This is an amazing post as are some of the comments that follow. Your family continues to be in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Ken, you’ve written a very deep post that eloquently expresses sentiments many of us have thought about at least once in our lives. Wondering how we could have done things differently to make the lives of our children better is something a lot of us do — along with having feelings of self recrimination. Some of us blame ourselves relentlessly about things over which we in fact had or have very little control.
Why do we do this? Because we so desperately want our children to be happy, and yet, we cannot control the poor (or criminal) behavior of other people. The frustration of not being able to control the negative impact of others on the lives of our children can cause us to take it out on ourselves. It’s like a form of self punishment. The problem is, we don’t deserve it and nothing good can come from taking our anger out on ourselves or those we love. The fact that you are so cognizant of your emotions puts you leagues ahead of a great many people. Painful though it may be, at least you have clarity about these matters.
The added pain in Ryan’s situation is because Ryan and your family are victims of criminal violence, and for this kind of terrible physical and mental anguish there isn’t any real “justice.” One is simply left to find the will to not allow the criminals to completely destroy the good that still remains — the family, the love, the time. The days, however taxing, are what we have to mold and shape as best we can with what we have. Some can forge through the agony by understanding the proverbial higher purpose of their lives — whether they chose it or it was chosen for them. The depth of strength and ability to stay strong varies by person; in you and your family’s case, you have demonstrated powerful courage and determination born out of love. Some days are manageable, other days, I imagine, are just plain awful. And in the midst of other days are glimpses of hope mixed in with the need to help, hold, comfort, protect and heal.
Sadly, I often read about parents who treat their children and families like trash. And they aren’t victim to anything other than their own poor choices and/or unwillingness to reach for change. Part of treating children like trash is not teaching them basic morals and civil comportment, including how to show respect and conduct one’s self in a humane and decent manner. That leaves the rest of us to defend ourselves from such morally deficient souls, who at their worst inflict great suffering on the lives of others. Their ugliness spills into the world and often times we don’t even see it coming. Such is the fragility of life. We must seek out and hold onto those who give us love and caring — and hold onto all that is good in our lives — our families, friends, hope, love and the time. It is worth it to expend all that we have and are to preserve and cherish these things. Just like you’re doing, Ken. Keep doing it, because it is the essence of what is the most valuable in life.
Thank you for forcing us all to dig deeper and think harder and longer about what we’re doing and why we’re here. Even if that’s not what you intended to do — you do us a favor every time your words motivate us to pause and ponder what is most important in life.
Sending you love, hugs, prayers and always hope — and a lot of respect for you, too.
Paula
Ken. God bless Ryan, you and your family.
We all love you and feel your daily pain. This post, once again, was beautiful, you have such a knack of sharing your soul with us thru your incredible words. We thank you for trusting us enough to share your lives with us, we are your biggest supporters and never forget how much each of you are cared for.
Ken,
So many times I hear my own thoughts echoed in your written words. There are so many parallels to your situation and my own.
Obviously we both agonize over not having the power to protect our respective sons. It is my greatest frustration. There was nothing that I could have done to protect him.
We also relocated to Virginia to give our children a better life, a move that we do not regret. There have been thoughtless suggestions made that if we had not moved, Alex might still be alive. I have come to realize, as I believe that you have, that we don’t know what else may have occurred under different circumstances. As hard as it may be to believe, the results may indeed have been worse.
Although my wife and I love each other very much, we agree that our children will always come first. If we could have sacrificed one or both of our lives to save Alex, we would not have hesitated. The world being what it is, none of us was afforded that choice.
May God bless you, my friend. You will never know how much I admire and respect you for your dedication to Ryan and your family.
Tim
This is an amazing post. It will stay with me for a long time.
What if evil didn’t exist! What if… …
Ken, you just blow me away……this was no exception. Very powerful commentary; I would arrive at the same conclusion (though, I believe, both ex-husbands would have cried foul)…….Team Diviney–always in my thoughts and prayers for daily renewal for all of you and enough energy to keep on keeping on–SHSP NGA. Lots of love, Annie
Ken and Sue ,
So, so sorry for what you both are going through and Kari too.
I love you guys! What a great post!