I’m a mess. No. More than a mess, I’m a disaster.
It’s my own fault… kinda. More on that later in this post.
Ryan’s file structure on his laptop.
I spent last night without a wink of sleep. Instead, around midnight I built-up enough courage to fire-up Ryan’s laptop. In some ways, I was hoping it wouldn’t work. Problem is, it’s a Mac and they are so damned reliable. Dependable enough to even go as far back as 2007 when Ryan’s laptop was manufactured and bring it to life. It was looking hopeful that it wouldn’t work… for a few minutes anyhow. I would press the power button and nothing would happen. Turns out, the battery was completely drained, but quickly got enough of a charge to turn on.
I cringed when I heard that familiar whirl of the hard drive spinning and the static snapping as the monitor came to life.
It’s just four days shy of 3-½ years since it was last turned on. Ryan was the last person to use that laptop. I held back the tears seeing his fingerprints on the screen and what appears to be Mexican food on the keyboard. The last time he touched this was the day before Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May attacked him… a chilly Friday afternoon on November 6, 2009. He was a different person, but not as much (or in the same way) as people might think.
Honestly, I didn’t want to touch that damned laptop. I couldn’t stand the thought that my fingers would remove physical evidence of Ryan’s former self. Too many things have changed in this world since November 2009. I really didn’t want to be responsible for yet another. Ironically, the reason I had to do this was to get evidence of Ryan’s former self!
Again, more on this in a bit.
The background image that is on Ryan’s laptop. I cropped it slightly below the waistline.
The desktop screen washed over the darkened room with an electric blue… and I smiled. It was classic Ryan and I again realized just how much I miss him. Minimalistic and organized, yes Ryan was… but it was the background photo that stole the show.
It’s a women, as equally beautiful as sexy as classy. The view of her is from behind. It’s a wonderful view, if I say so myself. So good, in fact, that it’s frustrating that it blocks the front! She is entering water that is as crystal clear as the Gulf of Mexico. She’s wearing just enough of a white string-bikini to keep her from being arrested. A pearl necklace hangs loosely around her neck. The sky is that perfect shade of blue that is both dark and bright at the same time. The type of sky that only lets itself be seen on a rare summer morning. It is beautiful in every way, this photo is.
This goddess is a digital aphrodisiac. Even as an image made up of a million pixels she stirs a man’s soul (notice how I kept it clean?). I feel my chest getting entirely too heavy. Not heavy, really, but tight. Like I’m trying to make my way up to the water’s surface, dying to exhale the stale air in my lungs. Why? Well, because this woman, and every women for that matter, will never be with Ryan. He will almost certainly not experience the intimate touch that makes every nerve in the body come alive. A passion he clearly dreamed he would… based on his laptop background image.
It’s so wrong that he’ll miss so much. Is there really anything that compares to intimacy to make life a wonderful experience?
I realize that I’m not breathing. How damned long has this basic survival reflex failed me? This realization is unrelenting and tightens around me like a belt. I actually worry that I might be on the cusp of a heart attack. My sadness slips to anger without me noticing until it is now my head ; it feels like it’s in a vice. Forcing myself, I purposely cut-off my thoughts (by thinking of Uncle Fester from that classic 1960’s Nick-at-Nite sitcom, the Munsters) and get to work on the reason I’m reluctantly doing this anyhow. Namely, to find Ryan’s own words on his morals, values, beliefs, and wishes.
Truth is, I already know these. And I’m not the only one either. My wife, Sue, already knows these. His sister, Kari, already knows these. Hell, anyone who spent some personal time with Ryan knows these. Still, there’s nothing better than having him spell it out for me to see, respect, and honor. It stops cold those people who want to impose their values on and, even, above his. Ryan was deeply in touch with his intellect and his writings — expressed through me — will stop any nonsense with people trying to say what is best for him. There’s no need to guess here folks, he spelled it. It’s all there in glorious 12-point, arial font.
That’s all I can really say at this time, but someday (after the civil suit is resolved), I’ll color in the details. I’m literally screaming inside to cry foul! Still, I must wait and I ask you understand this.
Like I already said, Ryan was über organized. His laptop’s file structure was so logically laid-out that I didn’t spend a solitary second figuring it out. I jumped right in to finding everything I needed.
I never wanted to go through his personal files… EVER. Sure, if he were a suspected pedophile or child pornographer I would… but Ryan has done NOTHING to warrant invasion of privacy. Believe me, I was forced into it. I deeply resent that. I had to forego his privacy to protect his principles. That, my friends, sucks!
Even though I know it’s not such, it just felt like I was invading his personal space in some way. As it turns out, not one thing on his laptop surprised me in a negative way. Not one iota. It seems Ryan didn’t hide things from me or Sue, something I believed anyhow. I can probably now say that he shared everything because his personal writings were consistent with family conversations! I’m telling you, many discussions (mostly in debate format) where deeply intellectual and philosophical. I could tell you just as easily how Ryan felt about Hitler’s rise to power, or his position on Affirmative Action, or his outrage with the government infringing on people’s rights, or his take on who the Redskins’ should draft, as I could tell you what body part he most admired in women. Hint: For the younger people, let’s just say Sir Mix-a-Lot would not disapprove. For us older folk, K.C. and the Sunshine Band encouraged the women to “Shake, Shake, Shake” it.
He was open. Honest. Genuine. Passionate. Logical. He was, I suppose, much like me… real. I wish I could say he learned this from me, but the truth is I learned it. He was “real and tactful” whereas I am “real and raw”. Hey, “tactful” just didn’t feel real on me, so I modified his lesson to fit my style.
Okay, so I didn’t know all I would see going in to his laptop, so my original plan was that I was going to get just enough of what I needed and get out. Let’s face it, we all keep things on our computers that are deeply personal.
As did Ryan.
But, Ryan didn’t have a single thing that he should be embarrassed for his dad (or mom) to see. Yes, much of what he has on it was meant only for eyes, but I’m telling you it was all good great stuff. Nary a naked women, porno clip, or inappropriate file . His internet browsing history was almost entirely sports, educational, and fun websites links. His email was completely void of tasteless content. He behaved himself… virtually. He did so when he believed no one would ever know otherwise. His “private” life was wholesome.
His writings showed his love of family. His dreams of becoming a dad and coaching his children. He wrote about relationships. His talked about respect and kindness toward others, especially those who were on hard times. I wish I could share it all with you. I can’t. Ryan intended some things to be private and that’s just how they’ll be. What I will do though is quote him from papers and projects that he prepared for classes. I’ll share these stories.
Here’s one to get you started. Ryan was journalizing his volunteer work, but it read like a story. The words reached out with sincere compassion. I cried — hard — when I read about a boy named “Justin”, age 5 or 6, who was at the Ronald McDonald House. This boy was terminally ill. Cancer. Ryan was volunteering there for his class in public service. It was an ideal opportunity because Ryan loves children as much as they love him. Still, this one hurt Ryan to the core. Ryan spoke of how this little guy’s courage changed his life. I wonder if Ryan draws on this strength now?
Ryan made me proud… once again. He really is made of the right stuff.
It was an emotional night. One I hope to never experience again. I wandered through the darkness at first. Then, almost miraculously, Ryan reached out a touched me with his words. Those keystrokes echoed from years ago and pulled me along. In a weird way I could hear Ryan telling me, “See Dad, you’re doing right by me. What you found tonight was for a reason. It confirms what you already knew about me. You’re respecting the person I was, because your upholding my principles no matter the person I am. I need you to speak for me when others somehow think they know better. They don’t. I have already spoken.”
So, maybe (and almost certainly) it wasn’t Ryan consciously giving this message and it just happened. It really doesn’t make a difference. He gave it to me just the same..
I got the message!
###
Be sure to read tomorrow’s Guest Post from Karen Tiplady to learn more about Ryan!
You ought to take part in a contest for one of the most useful blogs on the net.
I most certainly will recommend this site!
Perfectly written…. ♡
Ken this breaks my heart as i just started reading Ryan’s story. I don’t know how anyone could do thi to another human being.I hope the person who did this is in prison and will be there for the rest of his life and i hope someone beats the hell out of him everyday( no that is not the Godly thing to do). But i do pray for Ryan’s recovery and I pray for God to watch over you, ur wife and ur daughter everyday. I am like u in that it would be hard to still believe in god at this point, why can’t he make Ryan whole again since he never hurt no one.I hope to hear ur story everyday and i hope they get better with each passing day.
What a remarkable young man Ryan is. I learned of him today on Facebook. I remember hearing of this incident when it happened..and being horrified. But I was going through a traumatic divorce after 24 years of marriage, and was in a fog for a while. Now though…know that I will be praying for all of you.
Ryan’s story is difficult for the soul to process. And forgive me, but while reading, I could not help comparing him to my own son….born exactly 4 days after Ryan in 1989. So much of what you write about Ryan fits Garrett. And as I thought of what Ryan experienced on that night…I saw my son in his place. When I read his sister’s words, I heard my own daughter’s voice. When I read of your pain, I felt it churning in my heart. I am grieving for Ryan, for your family….for so much. I will continue to pray. May God cover Ryan with a healing breath and your family with mercy.
Sincerely,
Danita Clark Able
A parent’s Love and strength is what is keeping Ryan stronger day in and day out. You are a great man. The Lord is watching all you doing and He will reward you with Ryan’s healing. IT WILL HAPPEN !!!!!
I am feeling wonderful, as this was beyond touching…all of us hope that we know our children and that when they are faced with temptations and challenges, that they will always take the high road. This post and your confirmation of your son’s integrity was masterful. And Ryan was a typical young man who appreciated the female form, and I find it so real that he, like other young men, picked out a beautiful woman – yet unknown – to help him stay inspired. 🙂 May God continue to bless you and your family.
Thank God! This had me so worried. Such a difficult thing for you, and I am sorry for your tears, but you are moving forward with every step. You are an exceptional man! <3
Jo, no… not a character assassination.
Tough duty, Ken. Can’t imagine the reason unless someone is attempting a character assasination of Ryan.
I truly enjoyed reading this today. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. Wishing you peace, comfort.
Wow–words can not express how this has deeply touched me, Ken. That’s the Ryan we all knew and loved. .That’s the Ryan that you and Sue raised to be such a fine young man and I hope through your words that more and more people will see that. Thanks for sharing and and keeping his memory alive! You are such an inspiration!
No words… just LOVE.
WOW.
With love and in prayer,
Always. Forever. Until.
Keri, My C.F. FRANKIE and Family
Ken , One day Ryan will thank you ,Sue and Kari for all you’re doing for him. Never give up
hope that Ryan will come back to you!
love Gail
Ryan is such a good young man. SHSP
My emotions after reading this are similar to what I felt when I first heard of Ryan’s tragedy. I can only hope that you are wrong when you say he will never experience that intimate touch, I still pray every day that Ryan will be back. You are doing a great job and I’m sorry you had to once again feel the pain of the loss of your Son.
I can’t explain what it felt like to read this…so many emotions surface from your words and from memories of Ryan and I. I am truly grateful for your courage last night Mr. Diviney and for every day you and your family have spent enduring this pain. I pray that hope and certainty continue to bring strength to your hearts and souls.
Brogan, I swear I was talking about you to another person just hours before your comment was posted! I talked about the prom (Ryan has these photographs on his laptop) and when he recognized a friend (you, as I recall) was choking at the Steakhouse and jumped up and gave the Heimlich maneuver.
Held.on.to.every.word.
And now….I am going to have a good, cathartic cry.
God Bless You Ken, Sue, Kari, and Ryan.
SHSP † NGA
<3
I’m a student at WVU and I’m glad i saw Kari’s facebook link to this. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers nightly. I wish nothing more than for Ryan’s health to progress and that the boys who did this to him suffer the just consequences. I have so much respect for you, your wife and your daughter; I literally cannot put it into words. I have an older brother and two loving parents and can’t wrap my head around what you have to endure daily. You are strangers to me yet I feel an overwhelming feeling of love towards all of you. Please continue to stay strong, you’re an inspiration to so many people. God bless
Words escape me, and I don’t think there are any that can convey how I’m feeling at this moment, having read your message today. The world is a dark place for me right now but knowing there are people like you and your family certainly have allowed a bit of the brightness of life to enter. Sending love, light and healing blessings to all of you.
<3
I pray for Ryan’s healing…with God all things are possible! The love for your son is the root….patience 🙂
I pray for Ryan’s healing…with God all things are possible! The love for your son is the root….patience 🙂
Ken your posts truly help me stay centered on what is truly important. Ryan will always be relevant to me. Much love to you, Ryan, Sue and Kari!
Wow…I have goosebumps…………..if anyone out there thinks they can do an end run around Ryan’s value as a human being and his right to be respected as such, they need to re-evaluate the situation. Ryan’s spirit is alive, and it always will be!! Unless a person knows Ryan as you, Sue and Kari do, they absolutely cannot speak for him!! Only the three of you can do this. This is essential for others to understand and know.
To think that Ryan has changed in who he is and what he believes in is to grandly underestimate him. Not only that, it would be arrogant and insulting for strangers to make random guesses about Ryan’s beliefs!! I’m not really sure why you were forced into defending Ryan in this way, but those who do not know him can begin by just looking at the sheer will power he has demonstrated throughout the last three and a half years. He is a young man of great strength and resolve. Nothing has changed on that front. He’s got some very important things to say, and no one should feel they are entitled to co-opt his beliefs by supplanting them with their own.
I am looking forward to the time you can share the specifics about what’s going on. In the meantime, I’m not surprised you were able to find information that confirms your knowledge about your son. After all, you did stay home and raise both he and Kari and all of you have always been extremely close. I can’t imagine there is a soul in the world who is more in tune with Ryan than you, Sue and Kari.
One thing I am not worried about — Ryan is going to get his messages across to the people who need to hear them.
One thing I am worried about, are there people who lack the knowledge and integrity to treat him with the respect he deserves and is entitled to?
Do we need to be concerned about this? Team Diviney would like to know.
Sending love, hugs, prayers for truth, strength and justice. Hang on, Ken, you are doing right by Ryan.
Paula
Not a doubt in my mind either Ken…Ryan as we knew him was a man of many, many fine and unique qualities. It is why we are heartbroken now. He followed the teachings of his most significant teachers and mentors in life…you and Sue. He achieved finding the best of both of you and rolled all of it into one great, handsome young man. I see the creative, intellectual, social intelligence, including accountability, gifts he received from you, blended beautifully with the loving, compassionate and emotional gifts that Sue is so wonderfully capable of sharing. Ryan, as we once knew him, is sorely missed by so many of us. Without a doubt, he was absolutely destined to make this world a better place. My belief is that he is still doing just that…only in a different, albeit more painful way. Sending much love to all of you today. Keep the strength…Love, Peggie
:'( such amazing men the two of you are…..
Ryan is a man of integrity, just like his dad. I know he would trust you, Sue and Kari implicitly to speak on his behalf in the name of justice. Praying that the justice system hears, respects and listens to Ryan’s voice as clearly as you did through the night <3