September was a rough month, emotionally and physically, for me. It was no less daunting for my wife, Sue. She is exhausted. I am exhausted. It just seemed like so many things wore us down.
It finally caught up to her last night. She returned from working in New York City after her train was delayed for hours getting into Washington, D.C. (because of the crazy women who rammed a police car and continued her rampage toward the Capital). Her head was pounding with a migraine. She gets them when she is beyond tired or under stress. In this case, both conditions were in play. She told me it was the worst ever. It was so bad that she was unable to sleep at all last night.
Ah, another sleepless night…
Her life never gets any easier. Think about it. She works a full-time job that is high stress. Then she returns home, to another stressful and full-time job, to take care of Ryan. She never gets a break. Ever. It’s a life where a constant level of stress — one the teeters on the breaking point — is always present. Home in no longer a refuge.
It’s filled with reminders of the past. A time of unimaginable joy in her life. Oh, how the past hurts so deeply. At the same time our home torments her with all that has changed. Medical and therapy equipment everywhere, constantly humming… Alarms beeping… Nurses and doctors coming like we have a revolving door… Privacy is foregone… Intimacy is not appropriate… Insurance and medical bills packing the mailbox every day… The lack of remorse and accountability… How the attacker’s families treat us… And our boy, who means the world to her. It’s all too much!
So, the only thing she could do is cry.
I knew what she was thinking and feeling. She’s said it so many times before when the despair is too much. It’s simply, “I want the old Ryan back.”
There’s really nothing I can say to her to make the reality of our situation seem any brighter. It hurts to see such a strong woman, my amazingly beautiful bride of twenty-seven years, the love of my life, hurting to the core. I can actually feel the hurt coming off of her. I want to fix it. Make it all go away. I can’t. All I can do is hold her hand. I can offer my shoulder. I can keep the tissues coming. I can ride out the storm with her and let her know that I’m there for her. It’s not enough, I know this, but it’s the best either of us can do. She has done the same for me.
Last night was her turn to cry.
——–
Interested in getting to know Sue? Be sure to read her posts, Wife’s Turn.
FYI: It was one year ago today that Ryan was discharged from the hospital for the surgical removal of his baclofen pump. Can you believe it?
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🙁 you guys are a good team. Take care of each other-of course you all will
Just so heartbreaking! Will continue to pray for your family!
No words–it’s all written above–just continuing prayers daily and many, many tears along with….God bless you and Ryan with the strength and comfort (well, i can ask) to do the job He wants you to do for Ryan. SHSP NGA Love to Team Diviney, Annie
Bless her heart. I cannot comprehend the pain you and your wife go through. Grace Lord. Please
As a parent, my heart breaks for you daily, followed by prayers for your continued strength. This post touched me very profoundly.
So sad to read. I wonder what the May and Vantrease family and friends think and feel when they read posts such as these.
Reading this post broke my heart. It takes an extraordinary person to be able to endure the extreme amount of stress, pain, and despair you have felt. Your family is always in my prayers.
She is very much admired!
<3
The year that I took care of my disabled Mom–who had previously been, for years, disabled by dementia–I wept more that year than in ALL the other 63 years of my life, before and since…
When I would get a place of profound heartbreak, the ONLY relief was to have a good cry: a desperate, all-out, exhaustingly lengthy CRY…
…I weep as I recall and write this…
–how I wish that I were now in that same awful place–with her, here, with me…!
Heart breaking and unimaginable. I am so sorry for your family and for poor Ryan. Your wife is an inspiration.
I just wish I could make things better. Prayers for the entire family is all I can do. I can not imagine what you guys go through. In my thoughts and prayers always.
It was very touching. Prayers of healing to all of you.
It was very touching. Prayers of healing to all of you.
Love Ryan’s t-shirt. Very cool to see WVU Greeks supporting Ryan’s Rally. Heartfelt, healing wishes coming at you from Greensboro, NC.
Love Ryan’s t-shirt. Very cool to see WVU Greeks supporting Ryan’s Rally. Heartfelt, healing wishes coming at you from Greensboro, NC.
I thought of Ryan on the way to the game last week. Very sad and since less!
I thought of Ryan on the way to the game last week. Very sad and since less!
Let her cry. Let her cry tears of sadness, tears of want, tears of despair….just be there for her and let her cry. She needs to know it’s okay to ‘want the old Ryan back’.
Your family proves, over and over, how incredibly strong it is…a good cry is inevitable from time to time. Praying that God will give your family continued strength to face one day at a time.
My son, also named Ryan, has also suffered a traumatic brain injury. What I wouldn’t give to be able to hear him tell a joke, or get up out of a chair and walk across the room. I understand wanting the old Ryan back. I want that every day. I admire the strength of your family. You are often in my thoughts.
Our thoughts and prayers are with Ryan and your family. I’m sorry Sue had such a stressful day.
Praying earnestly for strength and peace for this entire family. Your love and faithfulness is incredible and wonderful. May God continue to bless Ryan through your efforts.
My heart is heavy and just breaks for all of you. Ryan…we are all waiting for you, please come back.
This post is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once. The exhaustion and profound sadness is spirit-crushing, yet the unbreakable depth of your family’s love is both pure and real. Navigating the unknown must be so frightening for you. As others have said before me, it truly would be good for you to get away –if only for a date night –to spend some much-needed “you time.” Pick a date that works and any of us local folk will be happy to help with Ryan alongside his nurse. Please think about it.
Sending love from across town and always, always praying!
Carla, John & girls
Know it doesn’t help all that much ,but we’re crying with Sue too and praying Ryan will come back
All my thoughts to Sue and all <3
My heart aches for your family after reading this. Sending prayers to Ryan and family. God by with you.
We are praying so much and so hard we don’t get tired and he will wake up I know he will you guys are so strong!!!!
Your devotion and strength is beyond me. I can’t imagine what the world would be like if all children felt loved in the manner you and Sue provide as parents. Your kindness radiates in me.. It makes me want to go the extra mile to help anyone I come across. You will never know the impact you have on people simply through your blog posts. We feel your hurt, your cries, and even memories we’ve never experienced with Ryan. There is no doubt that he is in the best care he could possibly have. So many lessons are being taught just by your words, Ken. We thank you.
Our hearts break for you every day.. Please give Sue a few extra hugs and tissues from us tonight. Praying that nasty migraine away and Ryan fully awake, back to his loving family <3
[sigh] 🙁
She crushes my heart. Praying for miracles for mom.
Please allow me to suggest again, in the gentlest way possible, that you and Sue are allowed to, and probably should, carve out some time for each other. This belief, with which you may disagree, comes from my experience caring for my mother, who was every bit as physically dependent as Ryan — more so, actually — but was fully cognizant.
As I’ve mentioned before, she hated thinking that her disability had a huge impact on the lives of her loved ones. It did, there was no way of getting around that, but she wanted to minimize it as much as possible. My guess — and I recognize it’s only a guess — is that Ryan would feel, or does feel, the same way.
You have my most profound respect, whatever your choice.
Ryan is so lucky to have you two as parents! Your strength, faith and love has no limits… God bless!
sending loving healing thoughts your way…
So sorry for your pain & emotional agony. Sending you prayers of healing & relief. Take care of You, Sue… Cry when u need to – it’s best to release that feeling of despair. God Bless
Prayers to the entire family. You all are truly amazing!
Still praying for you to hear Ryan’s voice again…still believing you will <3
Sending you my love, hugs and positive thoughts and ongoing prayers
Paula
I was the rock, literally, for my husband when he was going through a tough time in his life years ago. When his dad was hurt, we took turns, he was my rock, I was his. Eventually we got to this odd point and rather than being able to support each other we just broke.
There is no way any of us can understand what you are feeling, other than those who have been through this type of tragic events. Like everyone else said, our hearts hurt.
Please let us come and take some of the pressure off of you. Not one of us can do all of it but together as a team we might be able to make life a little easier in some aspects. What about a date night/weekend. If Kari could come home, along with the nurses, maybe you and Sue and your team behind you, you and Sue could take a couple of days to REST.
Please consider it, let us help you! I do know Loudoun County has funds available for respite care and you can hire family members. We will not be in the family space, only Ryan’s, taking care of Ryan so you and Sue can get a break.
Praying extra hard for all of you. I can’t imagine what you go through on a daily basis. I can’t do anything to make things better so while you take a deserved moment to cry, I will take a longer moment to pray my heart out. God Bless The Diviney’s! <3
love & prayers for you all..
Feeling your agony, my heart goes out to you ,hang in there find the joy where you can and know Ryan would not want you to hurt so much.Love and hugs from Iowa
Much love to you both. I’m just so very sorry … 🙁 Like Abi said, no words 🙁
there are no words just thoughts and love xxx
My heartbreaks for her. I can’t even imagine the constant despair. My thoughts are with you all. If I could offer any words that I even thought might help I would. I can only say that you are in my thoughts & prayers.
All of your posts are so touching to me you and your family are such strong people and I will continue to pray for you guys … Have faith miracles happen
I give your family and close friends so much credit. I cant fathom how much you deal with on a daily basis. Your normal daily routines have so much involved, you and your wife deserve so much, almost as if you two are Ryan’s Angels. Yes, parents, but you provide, maintain, and continue to strive for your son. Don’t forget to take a break. It is heart wrenching to hear of the stresses that the two of you go through, i realize you two have been through the ringer, and in today’s society parents with that much strain, would let it tare them apart, I could only hope that you two continue to grow together. As you are an inspiration to me, and many others. I pray that someday a miracle would happen, for you as family and for Ryan. I read your blogs and think of how bad I would like to help. Seemingly, I can only donate money and that’s what I will do. God bless, much love, and prayers to you and yours. Take care <3
I don’t know what to say, except that I’m in constant awe of the strength of your family. My sons are both close to Ryan’s age and are at WVU. I hug them tighter every single chance I have. I sincerely don’t think I would have your strength and courage if in the same situation. Many prayers to you all.
God Bless her! You are a wonderful man to write and feel about your love and hurt for her. I hurt for all of you and pray for you ♥
This just put a knot in my stomach. I have son’s that are Ryan’s age. I pray that God gives your family the strength and comfort that it needs. Sending much love from my family!!
We pray for you every night. Trust Sue can get some rest and relief from the migraine. The picture of Sue and Ryan is just beautiful.
Tears are a gift from God. They provide relief and release. Crying with you, Sue. <3
It seems that today is my turn to cry! I want the old Ryan back, too. Not only praying for Ryan and your family, but have spent the last hour or so praying for our sick and dying friends and family. Thanks a lot, Eve!
Another beautiful day and another good day for prayer. Without a doubt, God hears our prayers and sees and shares our tears. SHSP, NEGA. LOVE
God bless this family… <3
Tears flowing here now too. Thinking and praying often for your family. I don’t personally know you, but I know that you are a GREAT man. Keep taking care of your family. May God bless your family in ways unimaginable. You all deserve it.