I am constantly reminded of just how wonderful my son was to others. By now, you realize I try to temper my respect and admiration of Ryan as to not come off as the parent of a child who can do no wrong, but today I’m just going to pull the”Proud Dad Card” and let the words flow freely.
Hell, I deserve to gloat! Well, I certainly shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Ryan deserves the honest recognition!
It’s always the same message people share about Ryan’s caring heart, just the names of those he touched are different. I got one such message yesterday. It was completely out-of-the-blue, but I am noticing those who grew up with Ryan are coming back with greater frequency. I only knew this particular person very little (who I will call “BL”) and it was from what Ryan told me. Honestly, this person hadn’t crossed my mind at all since Ryan was a senior in high school. I shared my conversation between me and Ryan with the sender, because I felt this person should know how my son felt. Yes, this was how Ryan conducted himself, through-and-through.
Here’s what I received yesterday in my Facebook mail, soon after accepting this individual’s friend request:
BL: How has Ryan been? How’s his recovery process going? The whole situation saddens me, he was one of the few people who never picked on me in school.
Me: He’s doing well physically, but his brain is recovering so slowly.
BL: Ok, I hope he gets back to normal. He was always nice to me when others weren’t. I wish I could thank him.
Me: I’m not sure he understands, but I’ll tell him you thanked him. Ryan was kind to everyone.
BL: Yes indeed. The men responsible deserved a life sentence in my eyes. It should’ve been attempted murder.
Me: It does my heart well to know that Ryan treated you with respect. I actually remember him telling me that you were a “good guy” and admired you for your uniqueness. It bothered him when others were disrespected for no good reason.
The digital dialogue between us went on for a bit longer, but the crux of it was captured in those six simple messages above. All I can say, and quite proudly at that, is that’s my boy!
He continues to make me proud. That wonderful son of mine was solidly grounded in principle, the roots of which ran deep. Truth is, I knew he was but I simply had no idea of just how much! I always knew Ryan was one of the purest souls, but the way he imposed himself in situations for the benefit of others keeps coming to light… over-and-over again.
I just can’t get enough of hearing about how Ryan was caring.
Let the Gloating Begin
For those who don’t know, Ryan had the social clout to carry himself in any way he chose… be it good or bad. He had a lot of pull. His intelligence was borne of infallible logic. The women found him handsome and intriguing. His athletic skills made him known throughout the county, metropolitan area, and state. His charm and charisma were rarely found to that extent in others. He was engaging and polite with children (oh, how he loved the little guys!), peers, and adults alike. His popularity practically guaranteed an invite to all the parties, got him voted on Homecoming Courts, and had everyone wanting to call him “friend.” His humor was something to behold. As an aside, I remember us discussing what is the most important attribute of humor and we both agreed it was mostly about the timing, even more so than delivery.
He had every cause to let this “perfection” go to his head, but always remained humble. Ryan was so modest, sometimes to a fault. He called himself a “closet shy person.” Now, I’m not saying (nor would I ever) that Ryan didn’t do some things that caused me to get called into a teacher’s conference now and then, but he never acted aggressively nor disrespectfully. He was a typical Diviney man, just like me and my father before me, a tad-bit ornery and always looking to make others laugh through the relentless pursuit of merriment. Yes, both me and my father, then Ryan, spent some time explaining our silliness to our respective school Principal. The result often being a (not so) stern warning not to do it again. I often thought I would catch the Principal inadvertently smirking as he dished out this warning to me. As for Ryan, I can tell you for sure that the Principal and I would damned-near laugh our asses off or marvel at the cleverness after Ryan was excused (but Ryan never knew this until he graduated).
What can I say, this goes back generations with us Diviney men. My dad set the bar high (he’s hilarious and loves to laugh too) and Ryan and I followed in his footsteps! Ryan loved spending time with him. Be it just chatting (and making light of my dad’s Pennsylvania dialect), playing video games (he would always clobber my dad in NCAA or Madden football), going to college football games with him, competing in miniature golf while on vacation, or playing the board game RISK for days at a time.
My dad is a good man. Top-notch, as a matter of fact. He taught me through his own word and deed what it takes to be an upstanding man, devoted husband, and loyal father. He taught me about accountability and respect. Although I modified my approach, the basic tenet was adhered to because it meant everything to upbringing. I took notice and passed this along to Ryan as I raised him. One thing I followed to the letter was how he was always available to me. He never missed even a single baseball game, football game, or wrestling match in all the years I played. He tirelessly toted me (and others) to practices and every religious obligation. He never lied to me (even when it hurt like hell to hear the truth), never drank in my presences, never cursed, and treated my mom with respect and love (I still recall fondly how they gave each other a peck before my dad headed off to work each morning and said “I love you” to each other). My mom was the female version of my Dad. They are kindred spirits that did a damned fine job as parents and role models.
So, back to Ryan and enough about the hijinks linage. He was nothing short of the “All American” boy. No… he was every bit the All American boy, pure and simple. You don’t need to take my word for either, just spend a few minutes reading the Guest Posts from others who knew him.
The Easy Way is Usually Not the Best Way
Their relationship is not so much as “Momma’s Boy” as a “Son’s Momma”
He adored his family (and had his mom wrapped around his finger, but never misused this control). He not only shared and upheld our common family values, but demanded these from me and his mom just as much as from his sister. It was clear that he had the instincts to be an amazing father one day. Truth is, he was already showing qualities as a father-figure (I bet his friends know exactly what I’m talking about). Sometimes I mourn for his foregone offspring… for Ryan’s never-to-be-realized joy of fatherhood… for all the good that was lost. They would have had that one-in-a-million dad, there’s zero doubt about that.
…and yet, the flawed gene pool — in my opinion — from his attackers, Jonathan May and Austin Vantrease (both of Newark, Delaware) will likely be passed on. This sickens me more than you’ll ever know.
Ryan deeply respected his fellow-man. He intervened for the weak and downtrodden. Ryan was particularly attentive to the physically or mentally challenged. It infuriated him, perhaps more than any other, when these people were not given the same respect (for individuality) as anyone else. He was an ambassador for the social good and harmony. He despised injustice; so much so that he wanted to become a judge or legislator. To my knowledge, he never compromised his beliefs, values, morals, and wishes. Even when it would have been a piece of cake to just turn his back; be it on the “unpopular” kid that was being ridiculed or in his own life-circumstance. He felt for others, an ingrained empathy that would make him hurt as though it were himself being wronged. He simply wouldn’t stand for social injustice. He actually told me that the easy way out is usually not the best way out.
Ryan, believe me, I know the truth in you words! Oh, how I see the wisdom so clearly now. You were always wise beyond your years, Ryan… what some call an old soul.
Old Soul?
I going to say it again, Ryan is made of the right stuff. Who knows, maybe that’s a trait of old souls? I noticed this in him at a young age. He surrounded himself with the right people… others that had the same fibers running through them. There is so damned-much truth in the premise (and advice I use to give my children) that you can tell a hell of a lot about someone by seeing who their friends are.
To Ryan, it made no difference a person’s degree of beauty, amount of wealth, or popularity. Like my daughter, Kari, he always looked deeper. I swear, I sometimes seriously wondered if he (and Kari) could see, or perhaps sense, someone’s aura. To my children, those who they associated with only had to be good people.
Good Friends… Good People.
You know, people of solid and irreproachable principle, values, and morals. It’s not the least bit shocking that these people are now going on to make a difference in this world. I’m proud that they call my son their friend and Ryan did likewise. They were always a good and decent group of kids, raised by good and decent parents. The proof that all of us are in many ways connected to our environment, nuturing, and genes. When all these come together in a positive way, only good can come of it. Failing even one, the likelihood of diminishes but can be often (but not always) overcome by the others. I suspect there’s some exponential factor in play here; meaning if two are missing the degree of failure is many fold, and not just double.
For me, I need look no further than the attacker’s circumstances to draw that opinion.
Nobody’s Perfect
Okay, so I gloated my butt off. Please excuse me if it was a bit too much. Nobody’s perfect. No one, and this includes Ryan. Like every human who has every spent time on this earth as an adolescent or adult, mistakes were made along the way. Hell, as his father I sometimes simply sat by and let him make them (but not without fair warning). Mistakes are one thing. Sucker-punching or kicking an incapacitated person are another entirely.
That behavior, my friends, is no mistake.
Jonathan May (Left) and Austin Vantrease (Right) at their criminal trial. Each were found guilty.
My family believes — and always has — that sometimes people use up all their goodwill in an instance and are never entitled to a second chance! I know for a fact that Ryan holds this conviction, because he told me as such. Just as he told me that anyone who ever harmed his family (I’m not sure if he was using it in the context of me, Sue, and Kari or his future wife and children) he would see to it that justice was done. Getting back to second chances, even if there are those who hold firm in second chances, these attackers have been in fights and run-ins with the law before. They are out of excuses or leniency.
Knowing what I do now, there are no more chances for these ruthless attackers and they will always be accountable to my son. That is, unless Ryan says otherwise. For now, all I can go on is what Ryan said he would do and want. Until that time happens, for Ryan’s sake, I will hold them to it for the rest of their lives or seek some other remedy or justice. It’s what Ryan would want and expect of me. I will not let him down, even if it leads to my mental or physical downfall.
Yep. I’m just like most any other parent. We are no different, you and I. Our children come first and we would not think twice about sacrificing for our children (granted it’s in their best interest). Is there any one of us who wouldn’t give a decade of their lives for even one day credited to our children? Parents! We’re a loyal lot.
If I have any say so on their judgement day (Oh, how I wish I still believed in God, let alone fairness in the universe), they must be given my son’s complete forgiveness before I relent. There’s no doubt Ryan will be demanding this, and Ryan is a stickler for righteousness. They are guilty, they will always be guilty. They are violent criminals to the core. I have a court order of their conviction that removes any doubt about that. Neither heaven nor hell can change this fact. If they don’t accept responsibility and accountability in this lifetime, then God damn their souls, I say! The choice has, and still does, live within themselves. It’s not too late, but time is running out.
Time is always running out…
So anyway, my inspiration was that quick Facebook exchange from that grateful person who took the time to let me know how much he appreciated the way Ryan treated him. His words were like water breeching a dam, slowly spilling over the top. Then bam! The wall came tumbling down and the flood (of admiration for my son) could not be retained. It swept me up in its fury and I just let it carry me away.
I didn’t want rescued.
Instead, I willingly (and in some ways, foolishly) braced myself for the roaring flow of raw emotions to batter me against all the debris that was churning all around me. I’m not sure why, but I felt like it was time to allow myself to be at this merciless raging. I could feel the agonizing bolts of pain as I collided with hidden dangers of the past. Jagged and sharp, they seemed to rise up before me without even a lick of warning… after it was too late to avoid smashing into them. Dangers now, but at one time they were pure exhilaration. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time!
Forget that.
I’d give up forever for Ryan to wake long enough to tell him how much I love him and hear him say it just one more time.
Just one more time…
###
It’s Hard To Wrap-Up Today: One More Thing
I again opened myself up to you and beg that you will accept my despair and not be too harsh on me. I sincerely hope you got as much out of today’s post as I did writing it and tried to make it good enough for you to share on your social media, like Facebook and Twitter (I spent much of the night, nary a wink of sleep, writing it. It would mean a lot if you do.). I don’t know why, but it just felt important to me to get this all out.
We thank you for looking out for us!
Sometimes emotions sneak up on me and I am helpless to not express them. Today it happened as I was writing to you. I need you to know that your acceptance of my unorthodox style means so damned much. In many ways it helps me heal a little. It allows me to take stabs at making sense of the inane. I rely on you to listen, no matter how real and raw I get, and you never let me down. NEVER!
Without this support I’m not sure I would still be hopeful for brighter days. I’m dying inside and you are my life support. You keep my son relevant through your endless devotion to him as he was, and all that he is now. People tell me I am my family’s rock and I suppose that’s mostly true, but if I’m a rock then you are the mountain that I cling. Please, don’t every let your devotion erode. I’m hanging to you. I’m certain I’d not likely survive the fall without significant personal damage.
Sure, I want you to read more about Ryan in the Guest Posts and freely share today’s post so that others join Team Diviney. But that’s secondary to this: Ryan relies on you… I do too.
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Ken- I hope I am half the parent to my child as you are to Ryan. Sometimes I don’t know how you keep it all together. I hope to God that these punks get theirs someday! I am a firm believer in eye for an eye.. Stay strong my friend, we are all behind you, Ryan and your entire family.
Your family is always in my thoughts and prayers. Your a wonderful father! And your whole family seems wonderful. God bless you all.
Dear Ken, I came across your blog through a posting on Facebook by Ride to Give. My heart breaks for hurting children so much that I carry a heavy weight when I think about them and their families. And now I’ve found you -one who is able to share your feelings so eloquently and beautifully that I feel I already know you and your precious son after reading just a few blog posts. Plain and simple, I ache for you. I was incredibly blessed to become a mother to an angel at 38 years old and then a mother to the most beautiful boy I could ask for. He is now 3. The motherly love is like no other. And so when I read of loss like this I pray immediately. I was sad when I read that you don’t believe in God anymore, but I would never judge you for that. I’ve never walked a moment in you incredible pain. Just know, I believe in a loving and just God that ministers His love to you, your family and Ryan in ways you don’t even realize. He knew we would endure trials and His promise was that He would never leave us. There would be hope for eternal life with him when our life on earth has come to an end. Ken, I will pray for your peace, your hope, your life, your family and your incredibly precious son. I believe Ryan hears you and I believe he hears God speaking to him. In my heart, I believe he is experiencing great peace and absorbs all the love your family and friends pour on to him. But truly, this is just my heart and I hope that you don’t mind hearing from a complete stranger like this. I truly hope you don’t think I’m out of place with this response. I would never ever want to cause any more pain for you than you’ve already had. I pray God’s never ending blessings on your and your family. I’d hug you all if I could. Rebecca
Hi Ken! My name is Georgia Holt Straw. I remember you from West Branch High School. I was 2 years behind you. You rode my bus in Allport. I was crushed when I read about your son. He sounds like an amazing person. I remember you as being kind and considerate and very athletic. You played sports with my brother Doug Holt. Will keep you, your family and your son in my prayers. I’ve been through a tragedy of my own and at first I was so angry that God would let this happen. My pain eased over time, but I still question why?? I will find the answer some day. Your pain goes on and on as you see and take care of your son every minute of every day. My heart aches for all of you. Stay strong, forever keep your faith in God and you will get through this. It’s good that you are taking/writing about this experience. It helps the healing and keeps you sane through all of this. God Bless You, Ken!!!
Georgia, Yes, I remember you well. I also remember riding the bus with you. You’re stop was near your house at the old Oak Grove school.
Thank you for connecting to Ryan! Thank you for sharing in our despair and HOPE. Like you, my faith was shaken to its core. I lost mine entirely and doubt it will ever return. I remember exactly when it happened too, If you care to read about my experience, here is the link: The Day I flipped Off God.
Please tell Doug (I always remember him as though he’s playing third-base) I send my best!
Beautiful words from an adoring father. The father is the rock & foundation for his family. God teaches us that in scripture because He is our ultimate rock. The almighty Father. Please try and remember that God doesn’t make things happen to us, He allows things to happen to us. May His will be done. I will pray that you will allow/accept God back into your life. He will comfort your soul and give you the peace that passes all understanding. *God clearly states in the Bible that He will hold the ultimate revenge for people such as Vantrease & May*
P.S.You & your family are amazing and inspiring human beings!!
I am praying for your family they should have gotten the death penalty hope recovery will go well God bless
I’m So Sorry For What Has Happened To Ryan and Your Family … That Is Awful What Was Done To Him and Very COWARDLY Of The Two Men That Had Did This!!! They Should Both Be In Prison For A Much Longer Time Then Given!
My Prayer’s and Thoughts Are With Ryan and Your Who Family … May Our Dear Lord Watch Over Ryan and Your Family, May He Bring Good Health and Peace To You, May He Comfort and Provide Stength To You All To Continue Being Strong and Having Faith … The Two Cowards, Indecent Human Beings and Most Of All, CRIMINALS Will Meet Their Maker One Day and Not Soon Enough!!!
Stay Very Strong For Your Son, Yourself and Your Family and Justice Will Be Served!!!
I don’t know Ryan or your family. I don’t even remember how I came across his story, but I haven’t stopped following since. He is such a courageous, strong fighter that we should never give up on his recovery but make sure he knows how many people are praying and fighting for him as well. He has touched so many silent readers that no one can fathom. He has made more progress than doctors expected I’m sure. It may take some time, but I’m confident with all the prayers and hopefully donations, that he will live his dream of being a father one day. He already is that one-in-a-million type of person that is giving a speech so to speak, on how to truly live, fight and not give up. He shows us how our actions affect others, others that we will never meet, never knew existed and how we must be more kind and stop the cruelty. I can relate to your pain of how unjust our system is. Two years ago, my uncle died, in my opinion murdered after a supposed fall. We have no proof, evidence was gone a long with personal belongings by the time law enforcement arrived. We will never know the truth. Ryan is blessed to have such strong parents and a sister who doesn’t give up getting Ryan’s story out there and you’ve done an excellent job. My prayers are with you all.
Ryan is in My Prayers Each and Every night. He has been in My Prayers since this all happened. I just wish people out in the world would not be as cruel as they are to have done something like this to someone that I have seen with people writing how great of a person Ryan was. Prayers will continue from Morgantown
My favorite blog entry yet.
🙂
<3 RKD and the Diviney family. Great piece, Ken. I believe that we signed the petition a long time ago, but please do let me know if that is not the case. I would like to send a more personalized letter to the parole board, so it would be helpful if you could repost the address for those of us that want to do that. I still recall the picture that you painted for us last year: a member of the Parole Board waving a stack of letters and sharing the fact that it was the most letters it ever received. It would be great if Team Diviney could muster its strength and surpass the size of last years stack.
Beautiful post, Ken. Sending my love to Ryan and your family.
Perfect timing, this piece. Normally when I have a dream about Ryan, I tell my husband & girls, and then I tell our prayer group – in that order. Well, the night before last, I had a vivid dream about Ryan and didn’t get the chance to tell anyone. So you are the first to know. It’s not often that I dream about him, but it’s always about the same thing….Ryan being well. Well enough to go to a baseball game, well enough to communicate perfectly, and well enough to be appreciative of your efforts to get him stronger. I know you question God and faith and I know that God understands that. Especially given the enormous, life-changing event that was thrown your way. But I know too, that the prayers of many here and around the world are strong, and we will lift you up even through your darkest hours. We love you, Ken, Sue, Kari, and Ryan. We rejoice with you at Ryan’s accomplishments/progress, and we will rejoice with you on that day he makes his way back to you. Love,
carla
Hello Ken, thank you for sharing more about Ryan with us — he is a young man any parent would be very proud to call “son.” I also appreciate your honesty in what you think and how you feel. We hurt too, and I think that’s something we’ll always have to deal with. On a positive note, Ryan is a person who continues to inspire and motivate others. Every day he shows us how it’s done. I’m sure I speak for many when I say we love him dearly. Ryan is still that shining bit of sunlight in what can be a dark world. All that he was — his values, morals, ethics, love — is all still him. No one can ever take that from him, because that’s who he is and always will be – a man of great worth; an extraordinary young man. He is a strong, loving human being and we are all privileged to know him — and the rest of your family as well!!!
Sending love and hope on this rainy day….prayers ongoing…..keeping the faith for our boy always
Paula
Ken,
Can you please reprint the address and fax numbers to where we send the letters. I wrote last year, but want my letter for this year to count as well. Any reason to think Vantrease would get out? I loved reading your dedication to Ryan’s character. I too am a firm believer that you can tell a lot of a person by the people they choose to held close in their life. I loved all the pictures, especially the one of Ryan and Sue. I wonder sometimes if people can really understand the loss to Sue as well. I know how close their relationship was. The grief she must experience breaks my heart. I love all of you very much! Love, me
Reading your posts always give me inspiration as a mother of five. I pray for Ryan and your family. I also want to thank you for opening my eyes… they are much wider than before… to appreciate life, to be the best ‘me’ i can be… please know that if nothing else… Ryan has inspired THE WORLD <3 he continues to bring hope to those of us who felt like there wasn't any left. You raised an amazing son… and your father raised an amazing Man. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the us and including the world on this journey… there is a light at the end of this tunnel…
Ryan is always with us, Haley will watch his videos over and over. She throws kisses to him when ever we discuss how good he looks. Often at night she will lie in bed and throw a kiss up to Ryan. When ever anyone of our friends or family comes into the house Haley will make them watch a video of Ryan. Anyone who knows us, knows Ryan and his story. As Haley improves from her own brain injury she will often watch how Ryan swallows and because that is an area where she needs work, it inspires her. So you see even as Ryan is who he is now, he is still helping, and giving. Still relevant. We love Ryan and when he wakes up (and I really think he is going to wake up) we will give him kisses for real. Thank you for helping my girl.
Thank you so much for this wonderful post.
Ken & Sue, Ryan continues to relevant. His life to date inspires everyone. You both should be very proud of what a fine young man he is.
! I am incredibly moved by Mr. Diviney’s words and although I never had the privilege of meeting Ryan, he makes me want to be a better person. This family is incredibly inspiring to me and I think they are the epitome of what family should be. Thank you for sharing your joy, sorrow, and pride in Ryan. I believe that if Ryan were able, he would tell his family how incredible proud he is of all of them. Thanks again for letting us in and sharing your journey.
this should make every one wake up ?????
Wow, that made me cry! Prayers for all of you!
Ken, Another wonderful post! Hope your day is kind to you without sleep last night. Is it getting close to when we should be writing our letters to the WVU parole board for this year?
It is. Vantrease’s parole hearing is in a month or so.
I woke up thinking of Ryan this morning. What a lovely post to see first thing. I continue to pray for the family.
Always here for you all and Ryan!!!!
Ken, once again, this is beautiful. A lesson of devotion to one’s family. A very special family and friends. I too wish you still believed in God, and maybe someday you will again. You are a wonderful father , husband and son, and friend. You haven’t the slightest clue how much you give to us. We are here for you always, in anyway you need us. WE ARE TEAM DIVINEY!
Saying prayers for Ryan and family…..<3
Our VBS lesson for the kids today happens to be “family and friends help us stand strong” — how true! Standing strong for Ryan always <3
Ryan puts us all to shame. It’s obvious to us where his impeccable moral character comes from. We are here for you and Sue and those special kids of yours forever. We are Diviney Strong!