Today is emotional. It’s not the fact that Austin Vantrease could be set free in a matter of days (see the countdown timer in the right sidebar). It has nothing to do with Ryan’s upcoming string of medical appointments and procedures this month. Nor does it have something to do with Sue being away on business travel for the entire week. Sure, all of these suck but it’s not the overriding cause of sadness today.
My daughter, Kari, is heading back to West Virginia University to start the fall term of her Junior year.
All the way back on May 8, the day she came home for summer break, I knew this day would come. I decided to just ignore this fact for three months. Live in the moment, baby! Even just yesterday I refused to think about it. It only would make me sad a day earlier than necessary. I’m heartbroken, yes, but just so proud of her. She enters this year accepted into her major. She was granted waiver from all customary requirements and prerequisites because her grades are strong. She is thriving in the college environment, just as Ryan was.
The past two years on this day I couldn’t help but feel the injustice that Ryan wasn’t returning with her. It was heartbreaking. This year is different though because he would have graduated. Instead, he is an eternal sophomore. His GPA is forever a 3.79. He was literally kicked out of school by Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May.
I think just how foolish I was after the attack. I refused to withdraw Ryan from the University. I held out until the last day of classes in that semester. More precisely, the last moments. I remember how deeply I hurt that day as I spoke with the Dean of Student Affairs from an ICU room in Atlanta. I squeezed in the tears throughout the process. Then, it was official. “Your son’s withdrawal from the fall semester 2009 is complete”, I’m told.
I raised my middle finger, pumping it a few times for dramatic effect, to a God that I believed really doesn’t give a damn. When I pressed the red “end” button to hang up the phone, I simultaneously disconnected from the call and my faith. I closed my eyes and tuned into all my senses hoping my defiance would have an effect. I didn’t care if it were negative. I seriously was hoping to be struck by lightning. I just wanted something. Anything. Would I feel the loss?
Nothing happened; then or since.
Comment: I know today’s post has the makings of a religious discussion. This is fine, but don’t do it for my benefit. I’m asking that comments don’t tell me about how God has his own grand plan and time table. I will never — ever! — accept that everything happens for a reason. The idea that no cross will be too heavy to bear is lost on me. This “cross” has crushed me. It has damaged me beyond recovery. I simply can’t relate to this adage because I’ve experienced differently. It’s not that I oppose religion (I consider myself agnostic). It’s just not relevant in my life, but I still hope it is in other’s.
Ken,
My heart still breaks for everything your family has been through. Though a strong Christian, I still also believe not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things happen and there is never sense made of them. Some people are just evil and nasty, and their behavior negatively affects people around them for their entire life. I too have never, ever been a fan of the “God never gives you anything you cannot handle” line. If this were true there would be no suicides, deaths occuring from illness, life long anguish, you get the picture. Hopefully, those of us who care so deeply for your family can “love” you through the pain. Much love~
Ken,
I cannot imagine the hell that you go through every minute of every day. All I can say or do is the acronym that I posted on Facebook over 2 years ago. SHSP – Still Here Still Praying. And I will continue to pray every day, for Ryan’s healing, and for the strength and care of Ryan’s family. And I do believe that God answers prayers. You are loved and respected by many, and you are the shining example of what a father’s love is all about.
SHSP
Gwen
Ken- I’m so sorry that you all are still going through all this pain. I don’t even know what to say. I think about you all everyday.
I can’t add anything to what both Jen and Gwen already expressed so well, other than to assure you again that your family is loved beyond measure and that we are never giving up hope for Ryan. We wish Kari a very successful and blessed junior year at WVU as well. Here for you always and unconditionally <3
Hi Ken,
Your post hit a nerve with me because I think you openly stated what a lot of us feel at times but perhaps don’t/won’t acknowledge.
That eternal question: WHY??
Here’s one I’ve been asking for years: why did God allow us to be born only to someday die?
Personally, I fully believe our souls go on — and I’ve always beleived we live in several paradigms — or parallel time as described in quantum physics. Wow, I just looked it up and many regard this theory as fantasy and fiction. See, now I’ve probably just made myself a target. Actually, I get more flack for saying I’m a Christian. The only thing we can be is true to ourselves about how we feel.
I always appreciate your honesty. I know I can say to you that I’m a believer in Jesus and you won’t think less of me for that. I can tell you the truth about how I feel.
Thank you for telling us how you feel. You know we love you no matter what, and, totally understand your feelings.
I’m sad about my daughter leaving — ugh, my life will never be the same.
Sending you hugs and love, in all seasons and the ups and the downs and everything in between. The thing that doesn’t change is we are here and we love you and your family. And Ryan gives me a kind of inspiration to keep pressing on that few other things do.
Let’s never give up on hope for our courageous Ryan!! Thinking of Kari, Sue and your whole family.
Always,
Paula
Ken,
If I could, I would take away your soul-crushing pain
If I could, I would make you whole again-and again-and again
If I could, I’d show you in a way only He can
If I could, I would help you, help you understand
If I could, I would enlighten that darkened, hollow place
If I could, I’d bring an eternal smile to your face
If I could, I would enable you to move forward from that day
If I could, I would strengthen your faith and your way
If I could, I’d help you to trust Him once more
If I could, I’d lead you back to His door
If I could, I’d explain beyond reason and doubt
That He will carry you, You’ll never be without
As the others have also said, we will never stop praying or give up hope. As Rita said, our love is unconditional….we will never leave your side.
Love,
carla
PS: Paula’s comment just popped up as I was posting mine. I know too, that you don’t begrudge our beliefs as Christians. I remember you once said that you were glad there were people out there praying for you. Know that we don’t have the capacity to know what you are going through because it hasn’t happened to us. We can only love you through it.
Ken, Know we will help you in whatever way we can, no matter what your feelings are, and will always pray for Ryan’s healing and for your family (You can’t pray,Ken,but We all will) And will go on loving Ryan and all..Wishing Kari a good Junior year and many visits home
Love Gail
Ken, You are and should be proud of Ryan, for all he did pre and post his assault.
Ryan’s attackers probably should be going off to college to, but at least one is in prison, Jon May is hiding somewhere, and the others??
Think of Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May, their parents and siblings forever have to put “convicted convict or felon, basically murdered someone” in front of their name when talking about their “accomplishments”.
While Colin McKeefry, along with the others in the civil suit, their parents can proudly say, “My child stood by and watched Ryan Diviney….you know the boy in the story on the front page of the Washington Post, get the life kicked out of him and then went on to a party.
Makes for great cocktail party conversation doesn’t it?
Everytime I see the Washington Post sitting somewhere such as a restaurant, a hair dresser or a grocery store on the Eastern Shore or away from the DC area I think of how many people saw that story.
People don’t forget a story like that Ken, Ryan is and always will be relevant.
Good luck Kari, enjoy the BIG 12!
Excellent post, Anna!!!
Colin is my son, respectfully, do not post slanderous inaccurate information on this or any other web page. I am not allowed to discuss this case or have any communication with anyone assciated with the case, so let the lawyers and judges do their jobs. FYI You are infact hurting Ryan’s position in the case. You broke the with this comment. Push me one more time and you will need a lawyer!
For real??? How about a proof read so we have some idea what you are talking about?
You should be ashamed of your self Mr. McKeefry.
Your a f*&%ing joke.
Ken, i’m sorry you have to deal with such b/s.
Still here
Your frustration is understandable and I’m surprised you even still have your sanity at this point! In fact, it’s puzzeling how you have been able to bring Ryan home, have the strength to wake up day after day and care for him the way you have, been provided with all of the help from those who are on your side and love Ryan just as you do, been given the knowledge of all of this medical care that you have learned in order to care for him and Ryan has shown through all of this that he has more strength than millions of us put together….. I would be so pissed off and hurt myself BUT somewhere along the line I would realize that, as sad as it may be, bad things happen to good people and since this the card you have been dealt, then I would make sure it’s played well up until the very end…. I’m not going to preach to you and you’re entitled to feel the way you do but based on what I listed above, GOD has brought you ALL this far…. Always here, always praying…. Love You Ken!!!!!!! 🙂
Thinking of you today as I will soon take my son to UNLV
Ryan is fortunate to have you as his father!
Fondly,
Joan
Thinking of you today as I will soon take my son to UNLV.
Ryan is fortunate to have you as his father!
Fondly,
Joan
Still here for you and yours, heathen though you may be. 🙂 (Please, please get my humor.)
Ken, I still pray everyday for Ryan’s healing and for healing and strength for you and your family. My heart aches for your loss and the double anguish and injustice of Vantrease’s consideration for release. I will not tell you this is God’s will because I believe it is not. Jesus, his disciples, and the early church fathers believed that sickness, disease, disasters, and every evil thing was caused by absolute evil. Jesus said, ‘I came to destroy the works of the devil’ and he proceeded at every occasion to take back that which evil had accomplished. The idea that God is ultimately the author of EVERYTHING originated with St. Augustine in 318 A.D., in direct conflict with the teachings of Christ and with new testament writings, where Jesus ALWAYS demonstrated the will of God was restorative to those in pain and suffering. Regretably, this theory has been widely accepted as truth in the church to this day. However, this worldview, if accepted without question, effectively separates the one who is hurting from God by the dilemma of how a loving God could cause such pain. With all due respect to St. Augusine, I believe this teaching is wrong; because it accuses God and completely ignores the cosmic implications of what I can only call absolute evil, by which you are confronted every day of your life. I believe healing begins with the recognition that our loving, compassionate God wills Ryan’s complete healing even more than we do. The next part belongs to us who are praying and interceding everyday for for a miracle. My very best to you always.
Hi Mr. Ken~please don’t worry, because Kari will be home for a whole month during winter break! Before you know it she will be back, I am certain that she is always thinking of you and in that I hope you find strength. I will admit–none of us can truly grasp the situation you are in, and how very painful and affecting it is. No amount of prayer or faith or encouraging words can mask that, and if anything, too much hope seems to bring more anguish than reassurance…Most of all, I will admit that none of us can truly relate to what you endure every day. However, I want to be here for you as much as I want to try and understand what you are going through, meaning that there is nothing I will not do in order to help your family. So many people are here for you Mr. Ken, many like myself on call whenever you need us. I am hoping and praying for Ryan’s recovery, but most of all I am doing the very best that I can to help your family–I like to think that even though a prayer to God for a miracle might be helpful, it is we, through God, who accomplish what seems otherworldly. I’d like to say something more profound, but I don’t think I’m young enough to know everything anymore, haha…I will be thinking about you, please give Ry a big hug for me, and send a treat from me for each of the dogs 🙂
Oh, wow, Shirley, nailed it. I have often wondered how the Lord could let these things happen….and now, from Shirley. The lord didn’t let it happen: “He came to destroy the works of the devil.” POWERFUL. Thank you, Shirley for answering the question. Those creepy sayings? They are man made, not from God. Those types of sayings actually give Christianity a bad name. SHSP NGA Always and forever, love for Ryan, you, Ken, Sue and Kari, and on-going daily prayers for healing and daily renewal for you all to be able to continue your loving care 24/7/365 of Ryan.. Annie
I read the posts. I have thought about Ryan Diveney many times. Very sad. I am sure there are lots of Moms and Dads out there hoping this will never happen to their child or anyone else. Hopefully Justice will be served.
Hope Vantrease has to rot forever in jail and God is cruel.
I apologize for putting my two cents in again, and I don’t want to get into a religious debate or proselytize, but I have to echo what Ann said. Well-intentioned but hurtful “Christian” platitudes like “everything happens for a reason” and “God doesn’t give you more than you can bear” are NOT Scriptural. Believers who don’t actually study the Bible do a great disservice by misrepresenting God’s true character and promises for those who seek Him. And the Bible does promise that if you to seek Him with all your heart, you will find Him, and He will comfort and bless you in unexpected ways. And He can turn the evil deeds done by man into something good for those who love Him. Good things are coming for your family yet, maybe not God’s original perfect plan or yours, but good nonetheless. None of those promises apply to intentional evildoers like Ryan’s assailants. Big hugs to both of you guys for a peaceful night, and maybe even Skype sessions with your beautiful girls. Much love to all of you (and Maddux!).
Amen, Rita.
And amen Rita and Paula!
I know there is a God and He is good. I do beleive there is evil in our world and I pray to God everyday to help Ryan and your family. There are alot of people praying for you. God Bless you.
Many of us have endured terrible, unspeakable, tragedy during our lifetime (re: post on my board today). When tragedy strikes, why do some of us become closer to God while others feel alienated and question His existance, sometimes resulting in loss of faith altogether? It seems to matter not whether we were brought up in church, or not. I have seen folk who have never darkened the door of a church suddenly turn to God when grief has come to roost on their doorstep. I have spent many hours in research — books, the Bible, the internet — and have spoken to many friends and others. I have not found a difinitive reason, but I will keep studying and listening, for it is a very interesting subject, and maybe a way for us to help others.
Ken, my thought is this: The human mind is so powerful it can will strength to another human that is in need of strength and power. You are willed this strength by those of us who love and care about you, Sue, Ryan and Kari. I think that loving one another is a pathway to God, and that all else will follow.
Wishing Kari all good things and best wishes during her Junior Year at West Virginia University. 🙂
How do we endure? Because we know we must!
“Yeah, when life hits you pretty hard you can go into a dark corner,” he said. “Or you can say, ‘Okay, fine, I’m going to find something to focus on,’ you have your children, your wife, you try and be supportive to other people too, because I know a lot of people go through [losing a child], and they don’t get the attention that I do. And I feel for them, because it’s one club that no one wants to be a member of, that’s for sure. But I think about his memory, he was a lovely boy and I’ll always treasure that.” Sylvester Stallone.
I completely GET IT. I don’t see any reason a person and the people who love them should suffer from a brain injury…????
Ken, your post made me cry. Our family loved Ryan and he still remains a special part of us. I’m so sorry that you are going through this pain that NO ONE should have to go through.
Ken,
Your post has really had an effect on me, as I’m sure it has with the other folks who have commented. I have been thinking about it non-stop since reading it yesterday. Sending love/hugs to all the Divineys. SHSP, NGA.
Carla
The only thing I have to offer are my prayers.