Every Cell in My Body is Crying
It’s 3:12AM. The house is still and unlit. I can’t sleep. It’s just too much for me to bear. I hurt so badly. It’s EXACTLY twenty-four hours from the time Ryan was maliciously attacked four long years ago. This day, and tomorrow, will bring me to my knees in an agony that I just can’t describe. It comes from deep inside me.
I swear, every cell in my body is crying.
Minutes before writing that earlier paragraph I stood at the foot of my son’s bed. I looked at him resting peaceful in the darkened room. One would never know just how badly he is injured, if they didn’t know the truth. I even took a minute to pretend he was just sleeping. That I could give him a gentle shake and he would open his deep-brown, puppy dog eyes and smile at me. Oh, how I miss that smile that once touched my heart. It was a smile that he actually practiced before a mirror so that his sincerity would be obvious and inviting.
No, he won’t smile. Not today, anyhow. He won’t open his eyes because they are sewn shut to prevent them from “melting” away. He won’t open his loving arms and give his dad a hug. Sure, I can wrap his arms around me and make-believe… and I do just that sometimes. But, it’s not the same as it use to be. It’s not real. It’s not him. My boy can not hug me…
No, not today…
The 11-7 Train is Arriving at the Station
… And not the past four years either. A span of time that has beaten me down… day-after-day… night-after-night. An emotional (and physical) ass-kicking that never relents. It shows no mercy. In the world of the living, it is hell personified. There is so very little hope of escape. The light at the end of the tunnel is not a good omen. It’s the 11-7 train — as I come to characterize the date of November 7th — that is blinding me. It means to (continue to) do me harm.
How will I make it through today? How in the hell will I, knowing I must face tomorrow? I only know that I will. I have no choice. It will happen because I promised Ryan that I would never forsake him. He has my undying loyalty. I vowed that I will never give-up on him as long as he didn’t, but he must make that choice.
More than a few times I held my breath waiting to hear the life-confirming beep [from the vital-sign monitor] again. I cradled his sunken head against mine. I felt his warm breath against my face and treasured each one. Then, I told him he must decide if he wants to lay his burden aside. I assured him I, and everyone else, would understand. I kissed his forehead and waited. [End of My Rope, 2/3/2012, Ken Diviney]
Every morning when I get Ryan up for the day I remind him of that promise that I will never leave him — that I will never give-up — as long we both can draw a breath. I tell him of all those people, known as Team Diviney, who joined the journey and surrounded him (and my family) with love, compassion, and generosity. I promise him, on your behalf, that you will not give-up either.
Share It
I am going to ask tomorrow (if I even able to write, that is… no promises) what I’m about to ask you today. Will you help remind all you come in contact with that Ryan Diviney remains an inspiration? An easy way involves only a simple gesture, really. Just copy this picture (right) and use it as your social media profile picture (e.g., Facebook) from tomorrow through the weekend. Then share it.
For Ryan’s sake, don’t let people forget!
Keep Ryan relevant!
His life has touched so many in a profound way. It has even changed some… all for the better. He continues to speak loudly even when his voice no longer forms words. He, and we, are bigger than the circumstances that brought a great man down. We lost the man, but his greatness remains.
Yes, his voice is silenced… but the message remains loud-and-clear. It’s good versus evil. It’s hope against all odds. It’s a reminder that none are immune from a call at four in the morning telling us our life is … what? … maybe not what we had planned. That it might be tested beyond all imagination. That there are things worse than death. That if we can sustain in the worst of circumstances then others can as well.
…That life is so much more than a beating heart.
By Damned, I’m Gonna Do It
I have thought long and hard (ha, ha… long and hard) about this. I even floated the idea some weeks ago on this website to get your take on it. Namely, asking people to make a financial gift to Ryan’s Special Needs Trust Fund tomorrow; on the anniversary of his brutal attack (by Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May, of Newark, Delaware). It’s not like I can count of these two ruffians to step-up and accept accountability. They seem to like lurking in the shadows of a dumpster, even to this day.
So, I’m going to do it.
Yes, I worry that it might come across as a low-down opportunity to use tragedy for gain. But, here’s the thing… it’s solely for Ryan’s gain. As for me, who am I really kidding? I will do almost anything (or, maybe, anything… who knows?) to improve his situation. I don’t want to miss the chance even given the risk of seeming like a conniving scoundrel. I’m not one… and anyone who might think this way wouldn’t be a suitable candidate for Team Diviney anyhow. If nothing else, I’m always open and honest (‘real and raw) and I hope I have the reputation to carry me through what some might perceive as opportunistic. Eh, I guess I actual am just that… opportunistic. But for the right reasons.
Okay, so I guess I just want people to know I am doing this for Ryan and nothing more. I’ll try to come across that way.
…On to Year 5
If the year-four anniversary hurts this much, I can not even imagine what the fifth will feel like. Those landmark years are flat-out, plain-hard. No way around it. So, perhaps I’ll turn it around and gloat in the fact that so many people told me I’d be dead by then if I stayed at this pace. Hell, most said I wouldn’t last even three years (including my bride). Ha! I did! Looks like I’m here to stay for a while longer. No, more than that… I picked-up the pace and yet, here I am.
Can you give me a woo-hoo?
It would be bragging if there were a reason to take some pride in it, but I always knew I would be. I have everything to live for. Ryan needs me. My wife, Sue, needs me. Kari, my daughter, needs me. Those three are my everything. The loves of my life. The meaning of my life. I dedicated my life to them and today is part of that commitment. For them, today I’ll lower my shoulder, lean in, and plow through the day. I’ll live in the moment, as painful as it will be, with blinders shielding me from the added hurt of the past and future. I’ll do it for the love of family. A family that Sue and I built around (mostly her) core values, beliefs, and desires. It’s a day worth living, even when the despair is unbearable. Even when there’s every reason to not want to be a part of this world any longer.
Then I’ll do it for you. I don’t want to let you down after all you have given.
Oh, and as for me not being able to sustain at this rate, well, there are at least a couple of “issues” that need tending to; specifically, to impose certain and irreversible finality in upholding my family’s values. No person, institution, or entity can prevent this from happening. Ryan will not be denied because I will not be denied. When? Well, some day for sure. It might be a year, or two, or decades, but…
No, not today.
Today is all about making it through… to face tomorrow. To face it with the same determination and resilience… that this will not bring me down where I can no longer get back up. I must be stronger than the circumstances. In other words, today is like every other day in my life since November 7, 2009.
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I’m sorry you have to have this pain inside! I have trouble with sleeping and everything because I was shot back in 2005. However, I woukd taje all of my injuries over what you are going through. I worry about this being my boy one day because of bullying. I’m praying for you and your family. If you ever need to talk message my page http://facebook.com/victims.support/
Take care
Jim
If for just one day, I could take away your pain so that your family could feel relief, I would do it in a heart beat… So sorry
I can feel your pain, make it through today, because tomorrow is not promised. Prayers to your family.
I’ve tried to make Ryan’s Rally my profile picture. It won’t let me from my phone but I’ve been thinking about your family and Ryan all day. My prayers always.
woo hoo …
thinking about you all today. my soul aches for you and your family ken. ryan has more people in his corner than you will ever know. {HUGS}
sending prayers always and praying God will give you peace especially for today.
I have never posted on here before, but I read your new posts the day you send them out. I follow your twitter account as well as your daughter’s and I enjoy reading your posts, just for the simple fact because I have come to enjoy Keeping Ryan Relevant in my head.
I pray one day your family will not feel such a horrific impact on this day in particular. I pray Ryan comes back to you and can one day hug you again.
Keep keeping Ryan Relevant!
Thinking of all of you today.
Prayers and hugs this day and every day.
God bless the Diviney family. Our choir will be hosting another concert Sunday night. Can I ask all of you to pray for this concert? That we will have a good offering for Ryan’s special needs trust fund? We have raised $1000 so far and this is the second concert coming up. Most of all, please continue your prayers for not only Ryan, but for the family…for strength, for peace, for healing. Thanks.
This is beautiful. Praying the beautiful voices of you choir this Sunday will touch those in attendance to open their hearts to Ryan and his family. Your group is inspirational!
My heart aches for you and your family. It is so, so hard to watch your child go through a catastrophic, life altering event. I am fortunate that even though he is now a quadriplegic, he recovered from his TBI. I passed the 4 year mark 6-6-13….I can only imagine how much harder it is for your family. I wish you peace and comfort tomorrow.
Beverly, you can learn a lot from Ken for your son. Quads have so many problems and Ken can teach you what to do so there are no UTI’s, no bowel problems, no pressure ulcer’s, increased body function… if you did for your son what Ken has done, the results will be amazing.
I have already learned so much from watching the videos. It’s amazing to me that they have been able to do with Ryan what they have. And it is a family affair….I admire them all so much!
Love is a powerful thing. Keep on keeping on. No one can match the strength of the Diviney family. Our thoughts are with you all.
Simply amazing. I can only begin to imagine how you feel. It will never be the same. But he serves a purpose in life and in all honesty you all are an example of love n family. Threw thick and thin. I thank you for sharing your story and I always look forward to updates. I am praying and hoping for the best. Love has no limits and you all have shown that!
I pray for nothing but peace and comfort for you ♥ You are an amazing family!
A thousand times I’ve seen you standing
Gravity like a lunar landing
Make me want to run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
Drift to you, you’re all I hear
Everything we know fades to black
Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same………..
Just as you refuse to give up on Ryan, we will never give up on your family. Keep fighting your way back to them, Ryan! Love you all..
Praying and always here Ken ,for you and family. There just are no words <3
Stay strong guys, we wish you only the best on this hard journey but look to each other and all the people who support you to get through this day by day. With love and hugs!
Time heals most physical wounds but rarely does time heal mental wounds. Thinking of you and praying for all.
I truly can not imagine what you’re feeling, but you have a gift of writing and making me feel what you are. I think of Ryan often as I look at my own son. My thoughts are with you.
Dear Diviney Family, praying for all of you daily, espcially on these upcoming days. God Bless you.
Even though I never knew Ryan, I feel like I do because of your posts, your love and your family’s devotion to him. I wish there were words to say to help ease your pain but there aren’t any. The only thing that we can all offer is our support whether it be financial, spiritual, emotional, or physical. We WILL keep Ryan relevant!
Sending love and light to you all. Praying for God’s strength to carry you. SHSP, NGA.
Diviney Strong.
Praying for your family on this day.and will continue .god bless you and your family.
Love and prayers from Morgantown. Also the mother of a TBI survivor. <3
Woo Hoo! Be strong & courageous,,,Joshua 1:1-8
We’ve got your back, my friend. We’ll always have your back. Never forget that.
God Bless You and give you strength!
WOO HOO!!!!!
Ken: your words crush my heart. I am not a parent but I understand this passion and dedication. The weight you bear crushes me.
The Bride, Miss Sue: you break my heart because, although we don’t hear much from you, you are financially supporting the entire ship, train. As a mom I can only imagine that your deepest desire is to be at home with your boy to take care of him. I am sad, just sad.
Stunning Kari: getting to know your fun happy spirit on Twitter has been such a treat. If you didn’t know what has been taken from you, you would never know. You offer your brother such honor by carrying on and showing the world the love and fun that is your family.
And Ryan, sweet Ryan: I wish the world had the opportunity to experience all that you promised you would do or hoped you would do. I know you are in there and can hear your family. Fight, fight, fight. Give them a glimmer of hope.
The very reason why ~We pray for PEACE~ that surpasses all understanding <3…..Continued Prayers Everyday for you Ryan <3
sending love and hugs
Ken. Where would Ryan be without you? God bless you for all you do for Ryan. He knows you’re there for him and always will be. Thinking of you and Ryan today and expecially tomorrow.
No parents should ever have to go through what you are going through. Praying for your family.
hugs hugs hugs and prayers always