I’d like to bring you all up-to-date on what’s going on with Ryan and my family. I know, it’s been too long since I did. Honestly, I am struggling – and have been for months now – to find my center. That 5-year anniversary of Ryan’s brutal beating (November 7) completely devastated me.
I just can’t seem to bounce back.
It’s been freezing here. This icicle hanging from my deck is just over 3′ long.
I’m guessing this winter, which is the worst I can recall in Northern Virginia, isn’t helping. I suppose this is “cabin fever” that people talk about in colder climates. Since I can no longer freely go anywhere I have no choice but to ride it out inside. Oh, and I’m so tired of freezing my gonads off every time I open the door to take the dogs out.
Ryan
Ryan continues to be in superb physical health. In fact, as I write this, he is working hard on his resistance exercises as he peddles away on his Functional Electrical Stimulation Cycle. He was up at 5:30AM and he won’t stop at least some form of therapy until this evening.
His hair has grown back from when it was shaved completely off for his skull surgery last October. He reminds me of the man he use to be. Well, outward appearances, that is. If you look past his eyes being sutured shut, that is.
I simply can’t wait for the warmer weather to arrive so that we can spend time outdoors. How I miss working with him on the patio on summer mornings. Then, spending afternoons and evenings on the deck; doing more therapy, listening to music or a ballgame.
I guess that’s good for both of us.
Sue
My wife, Sue, spends most weekdays on business travel in New York City. We hardly see each other. Even when she’s home we must take turns with everything… sleeping, errands, household chores, and everything else I can possibly think.
Like me, she is having a rough go of it lately.
She cries a lot more lately.
Her grief over losing her father last December rips at her. I suppose it hurts her more because she couldn’t be with him in his last days. She couldn’t be with her mom and brother when they each needed the other. Like me, she has lost freedom-of-choice in so many areas of her life. She longs to be home with Ryan and Kari, but can’t even take a vacation day to spend with them because these are needed for Ryan’s appointments, surgeries, and possible hospitalizations.
If only Ryan’s violent attackers, Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May (both of Newark, Delaware), would feel regret on their days’ off. If only they never got a day off, let alone a single minute. Hell, how about the same for their sad-ass parents! Seemingly, even monsters get time off.
Sue and I just don’t.
Kari
My daughter is the truly the bright spot in my life. She bring such positive energy. I just can’t get enough of her.
She is seriously considering going for her Master’s degree, which I support whole-heartedly. I just worry that, with a full-time job, she might be pushing herself a little too hard. Then again, she has shown that she is capable of transcending the most difficult of situations. Through it all she is the only family member whose own identity is preserved (to some degree). Sure, some think of her as “Ryan’s sister” but for these people I want to remind that she’s not her brother’s keeper. She deserves her own life and I’m going to make damned-well sure she has every opportunity to enjoy that.
She’s also talking about moving out. While here at home she’s been diligent about saving her money and I guess I can’t keep her here forever. That’s not to say that I’m not encouraging her to save a little more… stay a little longer…
What can I say? I’m just so proud of her. I love her so much!
Me
Like I said, it’s been rough. Both physically and emotionally.
I keep promising myself that I’ll get out more.
I don’t.
There are just too many reasons why I don’t… or can’t. Even when I can it’s always spur of the moment and, let’s face it, it’s difficult for people to join me (and have fun) when it always comes back to my family’s situation. I completely understand why so many other’s aren’t knocking down my door to hang out with me, but that doesn’t hurt my feelings any less to be ignored.
I just wind up feeling guilty anyhow, so what’s the point?
Left: 9mm at 50 feet (Full Metal Jacket).
Right: 12 Gauge – smooth bore – Shotgun at 75 feet (Slug).
I did enjoy a couple of hours with myself last weekend. I went to an indoor-shooting range and fired my sidearm and shotgun. It definitely helped relieve some of my anxiety. I bet you can imagine what I was thinking about each time I pulled the trigger.
My life has purpose, yes. Yet it doesn’t make me like it a single lick more. Sometimes I flat-out hate it. It’s no longer mine to control and enjoy. Circumstances make sure of this.
I just do the best I can with it and long for happier days.
Read this post again Ken and one thing you said “even monsters get nights off.
They’re off every day and night Nothing to worry about …Scum bags” Theyll pay in the end along with their cowardly off spring Always here for you all
Ken, I have no words to express, just silence.
It is obvious that you truly do have “this covered” when it comes to your wonderful son. But, I would guess many of us out there are concerned about the other members of your family…you, your wife, and your daughter. Would you be willing to give some thought to something we could do for the three of you? We’re all already praying; I’m talking about something practical that might help alleviate just a little of your family’s pain and suffering. I know this doesn’t sound very articulate and I know many of those writing to you are total strangers, as am I, but to remain strong and united, you must replenish your resources once in a while. Please, if not for your own sake, then for your wife and daughter, what can those of us out here who genuinely care about your family, do to help. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Your son has brought a unique community together to help, even in some small way, and to travel this journey with you. With all due respect to you and yours.
There is no like button but LOVE! This is a perfect comment for all the Diviney’s!
Prayers for you and yours.
Hi Ken ~
I am terribly sorry for all you and your family have experienced and continue to. My heart breaks for each of you.
I think I’ve written you once before. My mom and stepdad were crossing the street while holding our then 2-year-old daughter. A car hit my stepfather. Our daughter flew from his arms and landed on her head. She was left severely brain injured – unable to walk, talk, eat, or basically move, etc. This was in 2009, she passed away in October 2013. Those years were the most grueling of my life. I guess I should say the last few prior to her dying were the most challenging. I often wondered how I would survive. As time marched on, the love/pain coupled with the lack of recovery ate away at my soul. We constantly tried to make the best of our situation – always trying to look towards the good, but it became harder as our daughter got worse.
As I read your post, I internalize your words. I was our daughter’s primary caregiver. The bond, the connection, it’s like no other. For me, it was both healthy and not so at the very same time, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was Aviana’s well being – making sure (like Ryan) her health was stellar, and that every t crossed and i dotted with every entity. I would often run myself into the ground, so much so that in many ways I’m still on the mend. I’m sure to a degree, I always will be. There was so much damage done – mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I feel so much for Sue. There was so much you wrote which made me wish things were different, of course easier. But wishes are wishes, and the reality is what it is. I understand. I’m sorry for the loss of her father. I’m sorry she wasn’t able to be with her family. The divide and conquer sure can wear on every last nerve.
And Kari, wow what an amazing individual. I am impressed by who she is and all she’s accomplishing, but of course, I hurt for her as well. I ache for the shadow of who should be by her side.
I think it’s hard enough to go from having a healthy loved one to a severely brain injured in a moment’s time. I’m sorry your family has the added stress of Vantrease and May.
In my experience brain injury can feel so dang isolating. It seemed we were the only ones for as far as I could tell. Everyone else in town and anywhere I went didn’t seem to have a story like ours. I felt comfort in reaching out on the Internet, For these reasons, I want you to know I think of your family often with love.
Jen
Wow, Jen, sincerest sympathies for the loss of your daughter. I can’t imagine, much like Ken, what you went through but to lose a child, there aren’t words. So very very sorry for your loss.
You and the entire family is always in my heart and prayers.
It was good to read your update, thanks. The weather will turn soon and you and Ryan will make it back to the patio before you know it. This weekend will be the last hurrah for the nasty winter we’ve had. Great to hear Kari will pursue her Masters. Don’t worry about her pushing herself, she’s young, she can do it.
Wishing you a peaceful day. Love to you all!
Ken, Ry, Sue and Kari~
This breaks my heart reading this. I am so looking forward to when we can all get together again and hang out on the deck with Ryan, laughing, like we have so many times. I adore and love you all~
thank you for posting, I wonder every day how are ya’ll and what the family is up to. Life goes on, no matter what we are facing, and that to me, makes me feel more alone. Always know that I am a phone call away, and hey maybe one day you will be bored stiff and you will call me. Praying for all, love to all, and most of all please give Ryan a hug for me.
Pour yourself both some wine, get in that hot tub and share some funny Ryan stories. Know that you are all loved and that your son is cherished and has not been forgotten these many years later nor will he ever be.
Sending Sunshine and Happiness and Smiles Your Way ! Please Give Ryan a Big Hug from Me! 🙂 And Hopefully, Spring Will Find Us All ….Very SOON ! 🙂
Thinking of you all, such anger I have that the other family doesn’t have to suffer and gets to go about their daily lives with not a thought. It’s so hard to put myself in your shoes as a parent I would be so overwhelmingly angry..you all handle this with grace. Always thinking of you all.
They have said it all Ken,put on some butt kicking music and just chill with Ryan! Hugs to all! You guys need a date night! Take care of each other and reconnect! Please!!!
Good post to know what is going on. You inspire me.
You are always in my prayers
I can’t lie, I miss your posts, but even more than this, I miss you. I wish we lived closer so that we could stop by just for a short visit. This is the best way to keep friends close. I am so afraid Ryan will forget Jo, but I know he remembered me the last time we were there. I am extremely sensitive–think it was all that Sensitivity Training in the ’60s. Lol but, seriously, I think it probably helps somewhat. Just sign me, Certifiably tuned in!
Sue has been on my mind and in my prayers. I miss my dad still, even after 30 years in April. It seems like yesterday that he died, and I still feel him close–it’s unexplainable! Sue knows what I mean.
Love to all, and know you are always in my prayers.
SHSP, NGA
I hope you and your wife can get some help (like counseling) to keep you both emotionally healthy. I can’t imaging Ryan would want his family to be in despair over him. Please talk to someone!
Gut wrenching. You ARE an amazing father. Ryan’s attackers will one day get justice … It will unfortunately not happen in this earthly life but you, will be free of them because they WILL experience a completely different afterlife then your remarkable family. Praying warmer weather and sunnier days can help lift your spirits even if just a little. God Bless.
Hoping for warm weather to help you all!! Wishing there was anything I could do to bring you hope and peace. Hugs!!
Hi Ken, I’ve been missing your posts but totally understand how hard it can be to put fingers to keyboard and write. Of course when you do, your thoughts and words are straight from your heart, which makes all your writing deeply moving. It is good that you are able to identify where you’re at emotionally — many people cannot do this and are not in touch at all with how they’re doing emotionally. Denial is definitely not in your personality — but, nor can it be because you are forced to face reality every day in order to keep Ryan healthy and strong.
I admire you for being able to face the pain and responsibility head on — there are many who don’t and cause others to suffer for that. VanTrease and May are examples of this — it makes me wonder how they became so irresponsible and unwilling and/or unable to make healthy, positive decisions. The results of their refusal to be personally accountable for their actions has been of course devastating. Then again narcissists rarely consider the impact of their behavior on others, do they. They just do exactly as they please, consequences be damned. Ultimately it’s a hollow life for them,though, because people tend to keep space between those who don’t care about life and those who do.
It hurts me that you feel ignored. It is one thing for folks to say they care about you, but it is a whole other thing to put that caring into action in some concrete, tangible way. Team Diviney listen up, our boy Ryan and his family need us, now and forever. When you lay your head upon your pillow at night, don’t forget them in your thoughts and prayers. Think about something you could do to brighten their lives and lessen their burdens. Even small, simple actions that reflect your caring can make a big difference!! We have committed ourselves to loving and caring for the Diviney family and we’re not going to stop now!!
Ken, your sentiments about summer are a much needed reminder about the beauty of the season to come. I try to make the best of winter but I’d be lying to say it doesn’t get to me too. Even the holidays get to me. But just after reading your post I began to hear birds right in front of my window singing loudly, even in the midst of snow laden skies. Thank you for helping me remember the fragrance of Spring to come.
I suppose many of us don’t get to pick our ilfe’s purpose; rather it seems to get foisted upon us. For whatever it’s worth, I’ve seen many who while away the days and they seem lost in the journey. I imagine there never has been a time before or after the attack on Ryan when you didn’t understand your purpose. You’re the Dad. That phrase has stuck with me ever since I heard you say it. (to be honest there are many things you’ve said that often echo through my mind. I should make a list).
These thoughts from an old article entitled “What is Success” remind me of you:
Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;
Who has never lacked appreciation of Earth’s beauty or failed to express it;
Who has left the world better than he found it,
Whether an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul
Here’s a big hug from me to remind you that you are always in our hearts though we may be remiss in saying or showing this. The feelings remain and you and your family will always be loved and relevant to us. Don’t let the quietness and solitude of winter make you believe otherwise. Team Diviney continue to be your people who pray for and speak up on behalf of Ryan whenever possible. It happens all across the country on any given day. It is impossible to forget about a family as extraordinary as yours!!!
Sending love, hugs, prayers and always faith and hope. Not going anywhere … Paula
To see the world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
~William Blake
These are such beautiful words, and true words. Ken, Ryan, Sue & Kari…we do hold you in our hearts & in our prayers. We too question why such horrible, awful, cruel, senseless things happen. In searching for answers I often come up empty handed or find myself asking more questions. My twenty four year old son is in his third year of recovery from a devastating TBI, and it is not an easy road. My brother was killed years before that in a random drive by shooting, by some kids who thought it would be “fun to shoot someone”. Life feels harder than it should, Your sweet Ryan is so fortunate to have you ALL, and to have his team. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being raw, real and honest with us. Your courage in sharing has helped me find my own voice. We love you Team Diviney. Please remember you are not alone, even though sometimes it certainly feels like it.
Each one of your posts promts me to wonder if you ever hear or heard from Vantrease or May?? Did they reach out to you with ANY remorse or a heartfelt apology or anything??? Do they just go about living their lives(since their release from prison) without a care in the world relating to Ryan or his current health situation? How does someone do that? They literally “took away his life” (w/o murdering him!!) and nothing????? How does one do that?? Cold hearted criminals!! What about their parents??? I just can’t understand how ppl could move on with their lives knowing they caused Ryan’s, your and your family’s heartache, pain and suffering!!!!??????
Hugs.
Ken, I think people don’t come by because we wouldn’t want to get in the way of whatever needed done for Ryan and because of illness. How could someone even breathe if they came in got you sick or Ryan? I know I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I inadvertently got him sick. Which makes me think how can someone hurt another person this badly and not be a puddle of tears, snot and vomit for what they did… but then that is what makes humans, feelings.
Can we run errands for you? What about letting us make food for you so meal time is easier? I would offer to let the dogs out but we freeze our gonads off too! 😉
I’ve been following your family and Ryan since I saw you on a morning news show several years ago. My prayers continue for you as Ryan’s main care giver, your wife who’s working hard to maintain your home and also give cares while she’s there and for your precious daughter, who I’m sure provides support that is not measurable. I too am a care giver to an almost 22 year old man with Cerebral Palsy. Our paths much different on how we got to the same point, yet our personal struggles very, very similar. I can understand all the work, care and the emotional toll it’s taking on you. Please know that many, many people all over the world care about Ryan and your whole family and are praying daily.
My prayers r with u And ryan and all the family I pray that the Lord will give u a sign of hope and encouragement
I cannot put into words how much I ache for you and your family and especially Ryan. I admire your tenacity but also understand the “what else am I supposed to do?” that you must feel every day. I can only hope that I would be able to do the same and pray that I never have to find out. There are so many of us that wish we could be there to ease some of the burden in any small way. The only thing I can do is pray and know that whatever becomes of the animals that did this to Ryan and your family WILL be taken care of in the end.
Alisa
Please take care of yourselves, this would be a most trying thing for any family to go thru. please get any special help that you and yoru wife and daughter need.
It’s so good to hear from you again. You and your family are missed and loved very much. Hopefully as this dreadful winter subsides soon. Thanks for the update.
Praying for happier days for all of you and for the day Ryan looks at you and says, “Hey Dad. Hey Mom. Hey Kari” with a smile. That’s what I am praying for. God Bless you all. Your are an awesome family.
I was a student at WVU, one year ahead of Ryan, when he was in Morgantown and I think about him and your family very often. Though I did not know Ryan personally, we had many mutual friends, and I want you to know that I will always keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I read your blog often and appreciate you keeping us up to date on Ryan’s status, and I am positive that I am only one of thousands of people who feel the same way. If every person in the world had parents like you and Mrs. Diviney, things like this would be a rarity in the world. Even in the most difficult times, know that Ryan’s WVU family will always be there for you. Sending my best.
Will write more later but have sure had you on my mind, especially with knowing how much time you are spending indoors because of the extreme weather conditions. Even thought of calling you! 🙂
You are always on my mind–ALWAYS!
KEn,
So much to admire about you! Reach out to a friend to do something maybe one that you don’t consider the closest. They may be so flattered that you turned to them. When my husband had surgery this fall that’s what I did and wow what a stronger friendship that made. You and Sue are such incredible parents. Living in Maine I feel the weather woes and spring always clears the webs from our noggin. I wish those boys and their parents could feel the pain too, on some level they must. Although it doesn’t see apparent. I wish you and Sue could have a relaxing vacation I a far away island. Know that there are thousands of people out here that love you and think you are the most stand up guy in the world!
Evelyn
To some better days coming your way.
I’m speechless….how can something so devastating happen to such awesome people?? It’s so unfair! I, too, am really being affected by this winter (and usually I enjoy winter for the most part)……My family & I have started the countdown to Spring….just 17 days!! I truly hope that the sun & warmth will brighten the days of you & your beautiful family 🙂 It’s just a matter of time now! Always thinking of & praying for you guys <3
~~Love and Prayers~~
Ken ,Thanks for updates ,as hard as it is for you ,So glad Ryan is doing good and hope you all get out soon. Always sending positive thoughts to all.
Keeping Ryan relevant always!!!!!
love Gail
Such an incredible father you are. Your kids, Im sure, are so proud of you. I do have to ask though- because I think it almost every time I read one of your posts- do you guys all see a therapist? I am sure you are wayyyy ahead of me on this one. But your posts are always so incredibly sad. Obviously I completly and totally understand why but I am one of those people who has been through some not so great things in life and therapy has beyond helped me. You guys are all in my thoughts and prayers all the time.
Yes, we did. Turns out I’m thinking about this right and this is how I grieve. Nice to know I’m sane.
Every time I read one of your posts, I can’t help but want to come through the computer or drive the 4 hours to VA to come give you all hugs! You’re such a phenomenal man and father. As well as Sue a woman and wife, and Kari a woman and sister. You have a remarkable family! Sending tons of prayers and love!
You need to work on that pattern on the 9mm. It is a great stress reliever, to be sure.
I seriously do! It was the first time I shot it, so I’ll adjust next time.
Bring your target in a little. The average engagement distance with a handgun is less than 7 yards. Practice at that range.
Think of you all often. Praying for you.
Everytime I read one of your post I know what a great man and father you are. There are so many things I want to say but can’t seem to put into words. I’m just not good at it. I do want you to know that I pray for you and your family and pray that God’s plan will heal Ryan soon! Stay strong!