I know, I know. It’s been over a week since I last wrote. I wish I had a good reason, but I don’t. For whatever reason I’m feeling so defeated lately. I really have no doubt that I’ve felt this way before… and to this degree. I just can’t remember when.
I suppose there’s not a single reason.
It bothers me that both Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May (both of Newark, Delaware) are free. Then there’s the coping with Ryan’s sunken head every day; both looking at him in this condition and the constant anxiety related to his vulnerability. Add to this that another summer has gone by without a family vacation.
I’m also feeling the grief mounting as the fifth anniversary approaches in a matter of months. Five years! It just doesn’t seem real. I keep hoping that one day I will wake and find this was all a terrible nightmare.
Sadly, hope can only do so much.
Hope has limitations.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise either. I know this about hope. It is constrained by reality. It must concede to circumstances and surrender to practicality. So, maybe hope is never lost, but just can’t be where it is desperately wanted. Today — like so many days before — I must be content to close my eyes and let hope wash over me. Allow it to carry me away, even if it’s only in my mind.
Once done, I’ll blink back to reality and know it was only a fantasy. Despair will quickly remind me of that.
Ken… I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel knowing that Vantrease and May are free. Personally, it makes me sick. They make me sick. I shudder in fear for those who have yet to cross their path. Your strength and courage are admirable to me. The love you all have for Ryan shows daily. I am proud to be a Diviney. Love to you all!
Don’t worry they may be free but they will pay way more in the end…….Ryan will wake up and you all will have your lives back to normal. It’s just crazy people get put in jail/prison longer for petty stuff but you can hurt and kill people and get almost nothing. Stay strong and keep your head up. Everything will work out.
The world has a lot of evil people as we can see on the nightly news. Our God is powerful and we pray for His help to combat evil and provide assistance to the innocent victims who come under evil’s harm everyday. We are here and continue our prayers for Ryan and your family. Stay strong.
Small comfort for your broken heart, but I’m here……holding you, your family and especially Ryan in my heart every day.
Have you been offered the opportunity to try Apomorphine on Ryan ???
Keeping Ryan and your entire family in our prayers…. We are so sorry that you have to go through this everyday…. but just know that God is with you everyday…. Stay strong and keep the faith….
If there is something that we (your followers) can do to help and support you, please let us know. We care.
Hope is the anchor of the soul. I’ll keep praying…
Just know we are all still here and sending all our love your way.
Hugs sent from Rochester,NY. So sorry for your pain.
Hope may have limitations, but love does not have limitations. This is a rocky ride, but at least you know we’re riding it with you. Remember buddy, we’ve always got your back. “We Got This!”
Hear, hear! Love has no limitations!
Something my dad taught me…”Where there is Life, there is Hope.” I have clung to that saying for the last 6 years as my son also suffered a massive traumatic brain injury. All I can say is keep talking to Ryan, play music for him, keep stimulating him, keep asking him questions (you never know when there may be a tiny response) and don’t beat yourself up. The journey you are on SUCKS .
Darci – you make some great points about donating!! I absolutely love your idea about setting up donations with a matching corporate gift!!! (And about the garnishing wages/tax returns!) However, please don’t think that folks who continue to pray aren’t doing anything else. Some of them are going above/beyond by taking them groceries, doing laundry, running errands AND making financial contributions. Others who pray also hold fundraising events such as car washes, bike ride fundraisers, golf tourney fund raisers, restaurant fundraisers, jewelry event fundraisers, choir concert fundraisers, etc. for Ryan. Some ask local businesses for help (many of whom have done work to their basement to make it not only an ICU room, but they incorporated a living area/kitchen area. Some have donated a deck and patio and yard work, and another business outfitted them with a conversion van for Ryan).
When Ryan was first attacked and the Divineys were with Ryan at the hospital, the people in his neighborhood took care of his lawn, walked/fed the dogs and cat, and did what they could to help. One of his dearest high school friends rallied the troops at home and got a ramp built for Ryan, and had welcome home signs done in WVU colors. She was 20 years old at the time, and her father was dying from cancer.
But even if prayers are the only thing someone does, they DO help. I’m convinced that because of these prayers, God has surrounded the Divineys with people who will help/support them in any way they can, who will lift them up when they feel defeated, and who will love them through this exhausting journey.
True dat, Carla. True dat!
Carla, if I gave the impression that prayers are not important or that those who offer prayers haven’t also offered many other forms of support, I apologize. I was trying to reach those folks who aren’t close enough to the family (physically) to offer “live” help or are close but have overwhelming work/family demands of their own and let them know that they can still do a little something each month. (PayPal donations only take minutes to set up and is automatic thereafter). I am a single mom with multiple sclerosis and had a baby born with multiple birth defects (MS diagnosis made after child born otherwise I would not have attempted to have a child). I found that, sometimes, unless people can do something significant for you, they don’t do anything at all. Some people feel that giving someone $5.00 a month would almost be an insult…. it is those folks who I am trying to reach out to and let them know that even teeny bits of help all added together can make a world of difference. I do believe in prayers, hope and faith…. I know what a difference it makes when someone sends me a note and lets me know that I am on their heart and in their prayers. I know what means to have no money for medications and have someone anonymously deliver a Walgreens gift card…. it was the power of prayer that moved that person’s heart and I will forever be in awe of that power.
Hi Darci, I clearly misunderstood, and I apologize. The key here is that the people following this blog care and want to contribute in some way. And, like you said, every little bit helps. Strength in numbers, baby! BTW, you are being added to my prayer list. I can’t imagine the situation you are in, and the fact that you are looking out for and praying for others shows what a wonderful person you are. Bless you. ††† – Carla
Thank you so much Carla. Whenever two or more are gathered…. ((hugs)) Darci
Oh, Ken–everything has been said here deep from the heart of these dear, sweet caring folks, and are my feelings as well, I could not express them any better then has already been. My thoughts and prayers and love are with you every minute of every day. SHSP NGA. AND, still hopeful. Annie
Ken, my heart breaks anew each time I read your posts. Even though you haven’t heard from me in a while, I keep all of you in my daily thoughts and prayers. You are doing what you need to and what you can. We are here to help you in whatever way we can. Please let us know. As always, SH NGA!!
Dianne
Ken…..I feel for you and yours. I remember the day this happened to Ryan. I have followed his journey ever since this senseless act occurred. You and your family have shown truly what family is all about. Please give Ryan a hug from me. Prayers and best wishes always.
For those of us who carry you all in our hearts, please…. tell us what we CAN do to help. I live on disability and can only do a small amount through the PayPal automatic payment plan, but what else can we do to rally REAL assistance? Plus. for those of you reading this and offering your prayers, prayers are great but they also need financial assistance. Even $5.00 a month through PayPal’s auto pay service will help them immensely. If 1000 of us who truly want to do something,but can’t do much, all rallied together and put $5.00 a month in each, that would give them $5,000 a month to help Ken get more equipment to help him keep up with the exhaustion that has set in, or perhaps a cleaning service for the home, or a lawn service, or a helper to run errands or mounting bills… I would imagine that list is endless.
Another thing others can do: If you work for a large corporation ask your employer about a matched contribution program. Some large companies will auto deduct $5 or $10 a month from employees who “raise their hand” to make a contribution and then the company will match anywhere from 10% to 100% of the contributions. An hour of your time to set this up, could raise awareness and increase the network of supporters and followers of Ryan’s Rally.
Please, do more than just words… even if in some small way.
Hi Ken, it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling this way, given that the two criminals who wrought such heartbreak and devastation upon Ryan and your family are allowed to walk free.
Victims of such horrific crimes never receive sufficient justice. If the court could at least have ensured both of these delinquents would never be allowed to forget the terrible damage they did to Ryan by garnishing their wages, I would feel slightly better.
But no, the court won’t do any such thing because at the end of the day, neither the courts nor the judge seem to give a damn. As long as it doesn’t affect them personally, it appears they’re good. Tragic and pathetic, and totally unfair. There is no “justice.”
However!!! Team Diviney is still here and we are NOT going anywhere!!! We will stand by you and your family, Ken. We still have hope and together we have strength and there is great power in that!!
Ultimately every one of us will arrive at that day when we will face the eternal beyond — and when that day comes, there is no more deception, denial or false bravado – there is only truth and it is inescapable. VanTrease and May – your day will come – how will you answer to the truth of your actions?
I really like the part about garnishing their wages AND their tax returns for LIFE. They have brought a lifetime of suffering: let them pay for their ENTIRE lifetime.
Why can’t the wages be attached? They can be attached if someone owes rent, what is the difference? Wasn’t there a civil suit with the results being they pay a dollar amount?
Dear Ken,
Always so honest with your feelings and my heart breaks for you all. Kind of thought you were in a bad (worse) place ,when there were no posts. Always thinking of you and hoping you feel better.
Like Rita said, some of us believe in miracles and feel Ryan will be one. Our love ,thoughts ,prayers and anything we can do to help, are with you all
love Gail
SHSP, NGA! And hopeful.
Ken…I have left you a msg over the summer! I really would like to visit with you! Always praying for Ryan! rlovewell@hotmail.com
Robin
Ken, Sue, Kari & Ryan, I wish I knew what to say. It’s easy for me to say, Never give up hope. I don’t live with the reality you do. But please don’t. I hope writing this blog and the responses you get are therapeutic. Assume Ryan hears &, in some way, understands everything, processes it in some way. We never know. Please don’t give into despair. None of us can imagine what you are going through. But we all care very deeply. There are a LOT of prayers going up on your behalf. I have faith that someday, God will render justice as only God can. He told us that. “I will set all things right in heaven and in earth.” Take courage in your being supported and sustained by many people’s thoughts and prayers. If we have our weekly Prayer Table, Wednesday, Ryan will be added to the list that Deacon Sue will later upload to the International Anglican Community. (If we’re not rained out for a THIRD week! We’re coping w/this intractable monsoon season in Upstate NY!) God be with all of you & keep you in His Care.
PK Miller
Tim Montgomery
Don’t know HOW you do it. Day after Day, hoping for a miracle. The rest of us can turn the TV on, go to work, go shopping, and check back to see how you’re doing. But you live second to second, caring for Ryan, watching him, all the while thinking of the days when he had endless amounts of energy, making you laugh and loving him. Wish, hope, pray……………..not sure which, but I’m always thinking if there are ANY miracles to be doled out, please, oh please let Ryan be one of those miracles.
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to hope for better days for Ryan and your family, and if that hope helps carry you forward one day at a time, keep clinging to it. And on days when it’s not enough to sustain you, please let us know how we can help. We can’t take away your very real grief or any of your family’s suffering at the hands of those two unmentionable barbarians, but we would love to help ease your burden in any practical ways we can. We love you all so much and lift Ryan and your family up in prayer every day for continued healing, strength, provision and ultimate justice. And some of us still believe in miracles and will never give up on hoping for Ryan’s. I’m so sorry you are suffering so.. Our hearts are with you today as always, Ken. Keep hanging in there <3
Rita, You said everything, I could hope to say. Ken, I hate to ride Rita’s coattails, but she expressed how I feel perfectly. I am carrying hope for all of you every day. I still truly believe there will be a miracle. Remember, that when you are losing hope, I am holding onto it for you. I love all of you!
Reading and praying.
I’ve been wondering how you all were doing. Please know that there are so many of us, people who have never even met your family, who hold you so strongly in our thoughts and prayers!
Was thinking of you, Ken, this week….you’ve been quiet the last few weeks. I understand why…. probably need some time to regroup (as much as you can) after recent events.
I just have nothing to say to this. I wish, I wish, I wish I could tell you it will better, this too shall pass… but you know it wont. The despair I feel for you and your family is crippling.
I am sorry for the pain you must endure both emotionally and physically without respite. I pray that you can find a small measure of comfort knowing you are giving Ryan every opportunity to recover and providing him with the level of care that only parents can give.
Sue Diviney, I miss you so much. My heart goes out to all of you for what you have gone through. Ya’ll are such a strong family. I know you do what you have to do, but Ken and you have done so much more that most family would have done. You have been an inspiration to many. I just pray one day you will walk in Ryans room and he will look at you and say, “Mom, whats wrong with this place? Things look different. Let’s get them back to normal.” Would that be the most blessed day in the world!!!! I love and miss you.
We’ll said… Unfortunately reality creeps in from time to time…always remember that this is the most important thing you will ever do in your life
We’ll said… Unfortunately reality creeps in from time to time…always remember that this is the most important thing you will ever do in your life