I’m so sad today.
The Thanksgiving family time is now ended. My daughter, Kari, is heading back to college. My wife is leaving (during the night) for three days in New York City. The house will certainly feel emptier.
[Norman Rockwell]
There was no voting on what movie we would all see later that day at the local theater. The stories he would tell were silent and we all missed them… but said nothing. Ryan didn’t hoard the green bean casserole. We didn’t grab the football and play catch in the yard. Instead, the ball sat in the garage with the accumulation of five years of debris and dust. It had gone soft over the time from slowly deflating.
Nope. It was a day of therapies, medications, and a voice that was noticeably quieted. Instead of him having all the flavors of the day, Ryan was fed formula through a g-tube. In the midst of all to be thankful for having, it hurt like hell for what we no longer have. It’s cruel.
This “life” is just so surreal. So unfair. So painful.
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I’m glad you enjoyed the holiday with having your family together. Hope Ryan is feeling OK and able to rest at night. We are praying for him.
Praying for you Ken, for you and your family.
I know how you feel in a way. My mother recently suffered her 4th stroke and now she is dependent for everything and is feed through a gtube as well. She loved to eat and cook for the holidays. This thanksgiving she laid in bed staring at the ceiling unable to say a word. Broke my heart. My heart goes out to you and your family.
sending all my love n prayers, thinking about u guys!
:C
Ken
I am sad reading your blog, the pain and anger you feel are real. I try to think about if this happen to my children or grandchilden, I don’t know how you put one foot in front of the other. But, I know all you are doing is helping Ryan and we are praying for him to awaken one day soon. Thank God you are there and doing a great job tending to your son. I hope and pray I would be as strong as you one day. ALWAYS know we are here, thinking, praying, crying with you.
I’m behind reading the blog, so I’m not sure what the garage plans are, but if you need help with clean out/organizing I’d be happy to help again. Can’t believe it’s been almost two years! Feel free to message me.
Much love and continues prayers
Paula I like what you wrote, it’s true. If it were not for this family that boy would not still be breathing and INFECTION FREE FOR OVER A YEAR. See Ken I like to yell when making a point. 😉 That is a massive undertaking and you did it. Now for year two….
And Kari, I don’t know her and she seems so amazing. She is loving, sweet, funny, super smart, cute and all of that in some part is due to you, her mom, her big brother and the horrific experiences over the last 4 years. She could have chosen such a different way of life but she didn’t, she is a success because of you all.
And again, INFECTION FREE FOR OVER A YEAR! Not everyone knows how massively impressive that is, but I do, and I hope they too will be in awe of it. For the most part people who do not move a lot or are unable to care for themselves usually pass from infections. Christopher Reeve is an example of this. A YEAR WITHOUT INFECTION is something to be jumping up and down and celebrating, it is HUGE.
Congrats!
Hi Ken, seems like the holidays can ratchet up whatever sorrow we’re feeling. The contrast between watching folks merrily celebrating while one is feeling such heartache welling up is too much. A you push through this heavy anguish and grief, hold onto these thoughts….due to your personalized program for Ryan, he continues to heal — and, most precious, he loves you. Also, because of the fact that you and Sue are the coolest parents in the universe (a young lady recently informed me of this) — your beautiful daughter is the very definition of successful — meaning, she is an intelligent, compassionate and joyful young lady. You are well loved, and, you have much to be proud of. There are many parents who cannot say this about their kids, alas. I’m just grateful that in spite of your heavy heart, you’re able to find it within yourself to write for us, inform us, teach us, enlighten us and quite often entertain us. Thanks for that. I’m sure you have no idea how many lives you touch or people you help — just by being willing to lay it all out there for us to read. We’ve come to expect it — probably many of us depend on it. Whether it’s good, bad or ugly, keep it coming. Sometimes your words are like a tonic to the soul — even if it’s a jug of tears you’re pouring. At least we’re drinking it together, for, as they say, it’s not good to drink alone.
Sending you love, hugs, prayers, and always hope.
Paula
Prayers to all the Diviney’s!
your not alone, I feel the same way about “Holidays”?? they are sure no fun around here….
I am sorry that you are sad. Just want you to know that you have many friends and that you all are in our thoughts and prayers. God Bless you!!
God be with you all. I cannot imagine your pain. I cannot imagine Ryan’s frustration . We don’t know how much he may process. Sometimes, we are glad when holidays are over. everyone is on their best behavior, acts like they all love each other, and as soon as the holidays are over they all but stab each other in the back. Back to “normal.”
I always remember the sermon of a former church’s Pastor. Father Leo said, “We never know what burdens people are carrying.” None of us can know your pain, frustration but we can all keep you in our thoughts and prayers. If I make it to noon Mass, Wednesday (I have to have a hearing aid adjusted & hope to get out by 11:30. If they’re behind….) I will add you to our Episcopal Cathedral’s weekly prayer table.
Keep talking to Ryan as if he hears and understands you. We really don’t know. I have said many times to Stacy, Tripp Hallstead’s mom (he also suffered a severe head injury–I dislike the term “victim.”) it is very possible Tripp–and Ryan–hear and understand, process, but cannot communicate. My grandmother was on her deathbed when I introduced my now husband, Tim, to her. She understood who he was and gave us her blessing. She could barely speak but gave us a hug and said to us “Stoladt” “Long life” in Polish. I hope you have as wonderful a team of therapists as Tripp.
And Ken, it’s OK to be angry. You have the right to be angry to every and any emotion. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You have suffered a loss as much as Ryan. I remember years ago when the church I was then Music Director of taped Mass at our local TV station. They then had an interview feature after Mass to fill the hour. The priest they interviewed was a clinical psychologist. (I’m a social worker–same discipline slightly different approach!) He surprised us when he said, “It’s OK to be angry with God. God can handle it!”
God bless!
talked about Ryan and your family on Thanksgiving…all praying for your miracle. stay strong & know we are with you in spirit <3
This just breaks my heart…Sending love and prayers your way!
This just breaks my heart. I know what the holidays once were for you and your family by reading your posts over the past 3 or so years. I wish there was something we could do to make this more tolerable for you, Sue and Kari. I have to believe that Ryan has made it this far for a reason and hopefully our prayers and hopes for you and your family will come true! Love to all of you and hugs to that handsome son of yours. He was there with you and heard everything, I just know it. Hopefully he will be able to see you better very soon.
Ken,
Wish there was something to say, no words can help .Just know we’re here and always thinking of Ryan and your family.
Peace and hope to all
Love Gail
SHSP, NGA. These are not just words…they are heartfelt and true. Ryan and your family get top billing in every prayer of mine. Sending love and light (and an extra hug) your way today.
Love,
carla
just sucks…unfair is an understatment and your family’s pain is unimaginable and although cliches are true, sometimes it must be unbearable to hear or read them. I’m hoping that knowing others (complete strangers like me) genuinely do care about, think about and pray for your beautiful family brings you even a slight warmth or momentary lift of your heartache and sadness, because that is true.
Nothing I can write will bring Ryan back or reduce your grief.
God Bless you, Ken.
Like means I read, but don’t like that you’re sad. Think on this: Kari will be home in a few short weeks, and Sue will be home in a fewer days. Have you cleaned out the garage and has the work begun yet? I have written a silly poem about that just to annoy you. Later. <3
You must keep your chin up. I know you know. This is the worst time of the year for those of us who have suffered loss/es. My solution is to keep busy, but I know you are busy with Ryan all of the time. Another friend tells me to not think about it. How can one not think, especially around 2 a.m. when sleep won’t come. Doing little things for others helps me, but might not work for you, because Ryan takes most of your time. I think a lot about your sacrifice for Ryan. Ken, Mother Teresa (sp?) doesn’t have a thing on you–just a different world.
Thinking of you, and praying that the coming holidays will be filled with good things. Wish I could be there, and might happen if the good Lord is willing.
Please know that Ryan and your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I truly hope that your heartache is eased in some way.
All holidays suck. I am always happy when they are over because life seems to get back to whatever your normal is. This entry breaks my heart because for those who are lost and gone from our world it seems easier for those left but to have the reminder sitting at the dinner table with you is just cruel, but somehow also a blessing. You still have that hope and you must hold on to it.
So what movie did you see? How was Kari? Was she excited to be home? I hope she spent some time talking and annoying Ryan. : )
As I sat and ate my Thanksgiving dinner I turned to my husband and said, “I hope Ryan is getting a Thanksgiving dinner too.” I love green bean casserole too so he might have some competition in who will eat more.
Stay strong, you have exciting stuff coming up for Ryan.
We watch “This is the End” together in our house (I wouldn’t recommend it). Not quite the same as us all piling in the car and heading to the theater though.
I dislike Seth Rogan and Franco so I probably won’t watch but we always watch Christmas Vacation on Thanksgiving night. My family watched it the night before without me but my husband and I watched it after Thanksgiving. After the thousands of times I have watched that movie I actually caught something new I had never heard before. That’s a first for many years.
I have no words to offer you peace and a way to get through these days except that you can talk to him, I know he hears you. Talk to him. Hug him, kiss him, give him a treat and let Kat Bob do her business in healing him.
Oh, I LOVE the like buttons, thank you. 🙂