Ryan is more “with it” this week. Then again, I could just be imagining it… but I really don’t think I am. I can’t put a finger on what it is, exactly. It just seems this way. I like that he had his eyes down and centered quite a bit yesterday. Even with his eyelids sewn mostly shut, I could see his pupil (every so often), as though he were looking out of the small gap where the stitches stop.
He seems to know just when his dad needs something positive. It is helping bring me out of my depression. I can feel myself healing, and not a moment too soon I might add. I will tell you now that I was really worried that I might not find my way out of it. It hurt like unholy hell.
[via my.opera.com]
Then there’s the promise of my daughter, Kari, coming home for Thanksgiving break soon. Better yet, her winter break is just a month away and she’ll be home for weeks. It’s so strange to know that she’ll be heading into her last semester (and that she bucked the trend and will likely graduate in four years… fingers crossed)!
I’m not going to kid myself completely though. The holiday season is hard to get through. It is for anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, I suppose. In some ways it’s comforting to know that I’m not facing this alone. Misery loves company, especially during this season. It’s a time filled with joyous memories that now hurt.
My plan is to deal with the pain as it happens. Roll with it, as they say. I’ll make the best of a sad time.
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Ken,
I believe that you are so “in tune” with Ryan that you are not imagining it. RYAN IS MORE WITH IT this week and it is my most fervent prayer that he IS coming back to you!! Please GOD.
I was just thinking this morning, that you must be a dark place and my heart broke for you. At the same time, I couldn’t help but thank GOD for this . Why? Well, as you know, for different reasons, I recognize those dark feelings and believe firmly that when we allow ourselves to feel and sit with such necessary, hard and ugly feelings, we’re invevitably helping to move ourselves from a place of stagnancy. That something from within or something from your surroundings will pull you back back up to a standing position… and when that happens you’ll be standing with renewed clarity and deeper insight- AND KEN DIVINEY + CLARITY + INSIGHT = ONLY INCREDIBLE THINGS FOR RYAN!! LOOK OUT BABY!! Our boy Ken is coming back and he’s doing so with a vengeance!!!
Holding you all in my prayers. Always. Forever. Until.
With love and in prayer for your continued strength, your peace and for RYAN’s continued progress bringing him to a place of complete healing. Please GOD.
XOXOOX
Keri, MY C.F. FRANKIE and FAMILY
Loving all of you, always!
Ken, I am happy to read that Ryan seems more with it. Too, my spirit soars to read your post that indicates that you are in a better place today than the last post.
The 4th year was bad–really bad! It has been the worst yet for me! Nothing seemed to help either–not yard work, reading, cooking and baking, shopping–nothing! When shopping, especially Christmas shopping, doesn’t take me to a happy place, I know I can be in trouble. There’s something about the number 4. It may be that it comes before 5, and we all know what the 5th anniversary of an event means–a milestone of a good or bad occasion. or event. I prefer to call what happened to Ryan an event–a horrific, sorrowful event! It just seems that anniversary denotes something good as does occasion, although the Book of Common Prayer has prayers for the anniversary of a death. Maybe that is where “anniversary” came from, and it refers to any commemoration of an event. I am probably getting too technical in my choice of words. I don’t know, but I do know it was a tough time around the 7th. I couldn’t write either, and then when I finally wrote a long post, it went into cyberspace, never to be read by anyone!
The post I wrote regarded planning something big next year. I don’t know what–maybe ask for suggestions and begin planning now. That big dark hole that we try our best not to fall into, because it is so difficult to crawl out of, is scary. We don’t want you to go there again, Ken. If you could just take more short breaks, since you can’t seem to go for a week at a time.
I have so much hope for Ryan’s recovery. No one knows how long this will take, but most of us feel that he will come back eventually. So c’mon, Ryan, we know miracles happen. Most of us can attest to this, and we are here to love, pray and encourage you. SHSP, NGA XOXO
I feel stupid and I know I am “new” to Ryan and his family but what does “SHSP, NGA” mean?
Rhonda, Still Here Still Praying (SHSP), Not Going Away (NGA). We probably need to wite it in its entirety more often. Thank you, Rhonda, for your caring posts. Very nice meeting you here. 🙂
Write, not wite. Lol
Sending love and good wishes to all ,I was worrying about you Ken, I don’t know you but hate to see a good guy hurting so much. Hang in there and TRY to make lemonade out of those darn lemons even if you have to juice the heck out of them! Love and hugs to all ‘ Tell Ryan Hi from Iowa!
Hi Ken, I know a lot of people who struggle with the holidays — it surprised me to find out how many. Count me in, as I lost both parents between the Thanksgiving and Christmas season…ugh. It’s also difficult for other reasons too … but … I like the picture you put up “Misery Loves Company.” Well, we’re all together in spirit at least! I was surprised how much the shortened days and cold weather affected me — for years I’ve looked forward to the winter solstice on Dec. 21 because the days start slowly getting longer after that.
It made my day to read your comments about Ryan seeming more alert! I wonder if his progress is so subtle it’s hard to see at times — til one day you look at him and realize, as you said, he just seems more with it. I’m guessing the next brain scan will show continued healing. Which, given the protocol you’ve been diligently applying for the last four years, wouldn’t surprise me.
Wow, if Kari graduates in four years, that will be amazing!! I was told that kids now take closer to six years on average to get their diplomas. I didn’t know that. Go Kari!!! Won’t be long now before she’s at home lighting up the house with joy and laughter : )
Sending hugs, love, good thoughts and always my prayers. I hope Paula’s Grace Singers can come to this area soon — I would love to thank them for their love and kindness to Ryan!!
Paula
Ken pls do not forget to watch grace singers at ten o’clock in the morning. We will be singing and live on ustream at communityofgraceumc.communityspice.com. Click on watch services. Thanks
Thoughts and prayers…GO RYAN!!!!!
Ryan’s will and capacity to heal are surely contagious <3
🙂 Yeah Ryan, he is getting ready for Kari’s parade of women over winter break. I am totally serious, how’s it coming Kari?
🙁 For Ken, ditto.
This makes me smile! I don’t know your family but from reading your stories and the ones that Kari posts…I feel as though I do. My heart breaks knowing that some people don’t feel this is right. But I do…I have full faith that someday the Ryan you all love will be back. Best thoughts and wishes to you and your family…sending my love, thoughts and prayers daily! ♡♡♡♡
Living in the moment is my coping mechanism. I would think that what you have observed with Ryan is not your imagination… you know him better than anyone else. Thrilled that Kari will be with you soon, Always reading and praying.
This was great news, I always think its just around the corner when Ryan will give you a magnificent sign that will turn this whole nightmare around for you and your whole family!!
You made my morning Ken! Tell Ryan to have a great day watching football with his dad!