Since Ryan was so brutally attacked, many people have told me, “Ken Diviney, you are the strongest person I’ve ever met.”
My response to this was always the same, “Oftentimes, fear looks like strength”.
I’m here to tell you, this I believe firmly. In my case, I cope with fear through logic and rationalization. I literally feel my head (mind) separate from my body. It’s similar to — but not quite — the recently discovered experience I had upon entering a physical state beyond exhaustion.
I reasoned that since I’m often scared (and exhausted, for that matter), I must seem so damned strong to the unwitting. Herculean!
I convinced myself that people are obviously perceiving me all wrong. There’s no way anyone would feel this way about me if they knew how many times I cried in agonizing despair… or screamed in hopeless desperation… or crumbled to the floor in physical exhaustion… or pulled myself up while wishing I could just stay down… or drifted off to sleep wanting to never wake… to awaken and curse reality.
The reality is, mine is now a life at the emotional extremes. Always pegged at maximum intensity; in one form or another. Some emotions and feelings are constant, like fear. Some are competing, like desperation and hope. Then there are some that are both constant and competing, like love and hate.
To be clear, I recognize the clinical definition between an emotion and a feeling. To me, these are two sides of the same coin; with the only difference being time. For the sake of simplicity, I’m not making a distinction. Besides, since I consider myself an expert on emotions and feelings, I don’t entirely agree with the Psychologist’s canned-definitions anyhow.
You know what, though? Fear can look like weakness too. Funny, this never crossed my mind until recently. That is, not until an off-hand comment I wrote in my previous article, Reaching Light at End of Tunnel. Pay particular attention to the last sentence where I wrote:
The thing is, my well-being doesn’t matter one iota. Well, not when it comes to being responsible for another. This time, like untold times before, I had no say. I did what was needed… I lowered my shoulder and leaned in… all the while I just felt like crying. I kept moving toward the light at the end of the tunnel; hoping it wasn’t a train barreling down.
If nothing else, I’m a persistent bastard.
That last line was just a statement meant for comedic relief. At least, that was my intention. People seemed to get a kick out of it, just as I had hoped. I giggled each time someone would comment or email me agreeing that I am, in fact, quite the persistent bastard.
Then something occurred to me.
First, no one was disagreeing. Second, I wrote it as a matter-of-fact. Something so obvious that giving it a second thought would be unnecessary. Finally, I made that statement related to physical exhaustion; not fear.
Could it be that I am as strong as people think? Is that even possible?
It seems that not only am I a persistent bastard, but I am strong! Why in the hell should I care what makes me this way? There’s something in my makeup that I must have had all along. I see this trait in both of my children. They are made of the right stuff. No one can deny Ryan has suffered and lost more than ANYONE they know.
I’m not just strong, but the strongest person I know! It took a tragedy to expose this and your validation to convince (finally) me.
Sounds like I’m bragging, right? Oh, hell no! On the contrary. There is no pride, only sadness. I wish I were never unjustly forced into circumstances to learn this about myself. I hate being the strongest person that people know.
Like I just said, there is no pride. Only grief.
I wish I was never unjustly forced into circumstances to learn this about myself. What Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May did to Ryan is worse than murder. Much, much worse. They ripped away Ryan’s being and left his shattered body to struggle through every day.
People say that we should be grateful because there is always someone worse off. I must ask, who would this be to Ryan?
People are so wrong when they say there is nothing worse than burying your child. I’ll bear witness to this fallacy. My son’s essence died on November 7, 2009. My son, as he exists now, will die again.
As fo me? Well. I won’t quit. Not until Ryan does, that is.
Please remember this, it is the people (e.g., you) who care so deeply for Ryan that I draw strength from. With your devotion toward him I’ll be the strongest person around… at least for a while longer.
But, please, excuse me if you see me crying.
I wish I never knew how strong you are either. SHSP NGA
I am glad you are allowing yourself to cry and scream along with sharing and writing the blog to let others help you. For some talking or writing is great medicine and/or therapy. I’m thinking with the exceptional pressure your family has that this blog is great therapy for you to vent and also receive support.
Always thinking of your family.
Just got chills all over… you express your fear and emotion so perfectly. And, I completely agree but never thought of it that way until now….that burying your child is definitely not the worst thing. This article left me speechless 🙁
I have experienced both as a parent. I had to watch helplessly as a disease stole my 3 year old son’s physical life moment by moment for 18 months. It was horrendous. And then I had to bury him. It was also horrendous. And I’m truly sorrowful that you are enduring this journey based on the cruel and evil actions of others. People that make the statements simply have never walked the journey. They are lost in what to say so they say foolish things. Those of us that have journeyed our own tragedy with our child, will only look at you and say, in deep sincerity, I wish you or anyone else for that matter, never had to do even a single moment of the worst hurt. I’m praying for you.
Dear Ken I so admire all you and Sue do for Ryan and being strong and crying sometime go together . May God keep you strong and always praying for that miracle .Always here for you all .We will keep Ryan relevant any way possible Peace to all ❤️
You continue to amaze me! God bless you. Still with you.
I wish that we could do more than support you emotionally, your family deserves happiness and joy just like the rest of us and hope. I can only pray that there will once again be happiness and joy in your souls. Love and hugs to all!
I pray God shows you why this happen one day! I myself and all of us, do not understand the why! I also pray we would see GOD show those 2 aweful men, the pain and feel it! Now the one with a jail house father, feel it deep in his soul!
God bless you Ken. What your family continues to do for Ryan is remarkable. I hope one day he shines through and makes you believe in miracles.
SHSP NGA. Continued prayers and love always for my Divineys.
Love you, Ken Diviney!
I for one understand how you feel, me and my husband live the same hell as you our son has been down sense 2004 and it never gets easier, the Dr.s said it would get easier but they don’t know, the only ones that know are the one that live this nightmare every day. The only people that truly understand are the ones that live in this hell, people say you do such a good job, and they don’t know how we do it, my only answer is if you love your children you will do anything it takes to be there for the them and get them through another day in their living ” HELL”, My son has lived almost half his life in bed, he will be 30 this year, I cry at least once every day, sometimes several times a day, I just want him to talk to me and let me know what he wants or where he hurts, Me and my husband worry about something happening to us and what will happen to our son, because we know no one else will give him 100% of their self as we do, and thats hard to think about. I read your your post and see that there are other parents out there that live the same hell as you and understand what you are going through because no one really knows unless they live it too. HANG IN THERE , WE JUST HAVE TO LIVE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME AND HOPE THE NEXT DAY IS A BETTER ONE. I think about Ryan and your family often! THANK YOU FOR HAVING THE STRENGTH TO KEEP US UP TO DATE ON RYAN! ” OUR CHILDREN ARE OUR LIFE”
I am sure you and your family have went through every emotion there is. Prayers for strength and peace along with the tears.
I am in tears and my body is in chills. No one will ever imagine what your going threw. But you sure gave me a good visual. All I can feel is bags of brick on your shoulders and bags of sand in your eyes . I wish I could take a 1/4 of your pain n heart ache .
What I need to remember most about how you cope with and approach life: “Always pegged at maximum intensity; in one form or another.”
Your self-reflection is incredibly eloquent and humbling. To put thought to pen (or in this case keyboard) about the inevitable end to Ryan’s time in this world (it scares and sickens me for you), is the ultimate example of your fear and strength warring for glory. Sharing this so openly and honestly is yet another of your strengths most cannot, do not, and will not do. I cannot fathom if/when you have to mourn and agonize two separate and distinct horrific events as you carry on in this world. I don’t ever want to see you quit! Always — always give yourself permission to cry. I do not believe it is a sign of weakness at all.
I am most heartened by the fact that you are, in your own way, attending to your personal needs. And I think Ryan is your quintessential silent support forcing you to face yourself. For where you see warring emotions, I see your son reaching out to you, giving you permission to experience your own grief and coping process yet another day. As Ryan perseveres, so do you.
Your writing has to be the most sagacious I’ve ever read. Thank you for sharing.
Keep going.
I never really know what to say when I read your posts but I do always read them. Your posts touch my heart and I can’t fully put into words how. I am better at expressing myself with a heart felt hug or being able to help out with something. When I look at my boys (Ages 9 years and 5 years) and I can’t begin to even imagine what I would do or feel if something happened to them like what happened to Ryan. But know that every word you say touches every person that reads it. And know that you and your family are in my prayers every night.
You are so welcome to cry every once in awhile! It is a point of release!!
I am caring for my dad who had a stroke in July 2015, it is a lot of work, emotions and toll on my physical body BUT I can’t imagine doing the care taking that you are giving Ryan.
I think of you, your family and Ryan often-at those times I say alittle prayer for you all! God really does care about you–sometimes we have no clue why things happen, why bad (this case-VERY bad) things happen to good ppl but I truly believe that if we turn ALL things over to God, things seem clearer and we see the bigger purpose. It is sometimes difficult for us to understand with our worldly minds “the why”!
Hang in there—you are an inspiration to many, some you may never know!!!!
Cry your tears and keep on keeping on! ! There is much love behind this post and many others. ❤ Michaela
The bond between parent and child is one of the strongest connections in nature and you show it every minute every second of the day. Always in our thoughts and prayers.
still here <3 stay strong divineys
I’m very touched by your writing! You are a great person. God bless your family!
No words, except what a great dad you are for being there, and I’m sure your son KNOWS .
So sad!! Bless them all!!!
You have managed to crush my heart and build it back up all in one small post. Wow!
If you are new to this blog, I highly recommend that you go back and read as many of Ken’s posts as you can. You will learn how incredibly strong this man is! Not only Ken, but Sue and Kari as well. You are all incredibly strong, Kenneth–amazingly strong–unlike any most of us have ever witnessed! As far as tears, we have them for a reason, and they are a great stress reliever. Use them at will!
Always here for you.
Ken, to me, being able to cry is a strength of its own. I would actually be really worried if you didn’t cry from time to time. When I face rough patches, I tell myself I need to be more like you and Ryan. I tell myself that it’s ok to take a moment and cry, but then I need to, as you said, lower my shoulder and lean in. You and Ryan, the strength that the both of you have, is inspiring and will never be forgotten.
My heart breaks for you and your family. There are no words to express my deepest thoughts and love for the nightmare you live everyday. If we all could only have a 10th of the dad that you are to Ryan, Ken. May God continue to refresh you with strength each and every morning to make it through the day. Many prayers being lifted, God be with you.
There is strength in numbers, and perseverance builds hope and character. Let’s stay strong together for Ryan, and keep that hope alive <3
When I read your posts, my first response is always, how can I help this man and his family, to emotionally and physically cope with the devastation visited upon them. I feel so impotent trying to think of something I could say that would make you feel “better”, if that is even possible. I come to the conclusion that I have no answers as to why this happened and why/how you can cope with this with any kind of peace or comfort. I can only offer, as a stranger, my tender thoughts, my prayers for relief, my hopes for justice, my tears for your pain, and my human relationship with you. I can offer my physical and monetary assistance if that is what you want/need; I have no answers as to why God allows such suffering. But, please know that, if nothing more, we who write to you, are here with you in spirit, embracing you and your family and holding you all in our hearts, praying for better days and peace and comfort for Ryan, you, your wife and daughter. I cannot express adequately how sorry I am for this cross you have been forced to bear. Please God, give this family relief, hope and help.
Couldn’t have said it better Jennifer! THIS!!
Yes Jennifer – this says it all!
It’s thoughtful comments — exactly like yours — that help us cope!
Thank you for such a moving article today, Ken. You ARE strong, stronger than any of us. We pray for Ryan as we all want him back. We pray for you as well. You never know how strong you are until it’s your only choice. Ken, don’t lose faith. Don’t give up the fight. If any of us could help lighten your load we would. Stay strong, Paul.
Mr. Diviney, your writing is as remarkable as your love and perseverance. I know no one in your family, but do think of you all fairly often because you keep Ryan relevant ! So I am so happy that you do draw some strength from those that write to you because although you and your family must often feel alone I’m sure as the world has gone on…. Your Family is still relevant and thought of and cared about. And everything you write truly brings the reader to be one with you…. if only those intense feelings, emotions, love and hate so many of us feel Ryan, your family and those Animals, could make a physical difference for your family……., if only. So for what it’s worth in making a psychological difference in some boost of comfort in love, support, SOLIDARITY and overall good energy being received by the Divineys, Don’t EVER forget it is there … even in your most lowest moments.
You’re an amazing man and father.
Your devotion to your son is beautiful. I hate that this happened to your family and hope that someday the animals that did this will truly pay for their actions.
So sorry. I hate that there’s nothing we can say or do to make all of the hurt just go away. Always praying for you.
Poignant as always. By writing so frankly, you allow us to share a tiny piece of that burden…a piece that we hope helps give you the strength to go on yet another hour. Love and prayers to you all.
I would expect nothing less than every emotion imaginable to overcome you from time to time. You have to be strong and I believe that you are even in those crying moments. No one can comprehend what you go through on a daily basis, at least I can’t, and I don’t know how I would cope, but I would pray for the strength and grace that you have. Of course there are moments that you must want to just scream until you can’t scream anymore and why not. So much has been taken from Ryan and therefore from you, but he is alive and therefore you will remain strong and continue the fight. Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May are the weak ones.
You ARE a strong man, and all of us who read your posts respect you greatly! God Bless you, your family and Ryan!!!!!!
<3
Having buried a child myself, I could not agree more, Ken. God bless you and keep you.
god bless you! prayers always going up!!!
Strength and courage are persevering through the fear and despair. Crying is not a sign of weakness, not at all. It is definitely a sign of love and it takes a strong person to love that deeply to cry. Much love to you, Ryan, and your family.
Profound. I am crying with you.