by Kari Diviney (Ryan’s Sister)
The hardest part is when I see Ryan in my dreams and he is completely his old self.
This has been happening a lot lately.
I dream of him laughing his squinty-eyed laugh with me and talking about some crazy opinion he has on some random topic. He was always so passionate. That’s what I miss most. He always had something to say, and would always talk with his hands. He was so smart. He always amazed me and entertained me with the things he would talk about. And I, being the younger sister, would just laugh at him and say how ridiculous he was… when in reality I thought he was the coolest person ever.
Heart Wrenching Questions
How could it all be taken away from him?
Why did his attackers have to punch, kick, and beat him in the head? How can all that be gone now? How can twenty years of my brother, his brain… his thoughts… his dreams… his emotions… be gone? I just don’t understand. Where did my brother go? He should be here with me. I should’ve grown up with him… gone to college with him… stood at his wedding… and now he is gone.
Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May (both of Newark, Delaware) took away the best person I knew the night on November 7th, 2009.
I might never get him back. Never have my big brother ever again. Not there to grow old with and protect me, and make me laugh. We were just becoming close, too. I miss him so much, and what kills me the most was when he was here, I never showed him how much he truly meant to me.
My Jealousy
It takes a lot to say this, but I am jealous of those who still have the chance you have to be close with your sibling. I’m jealous when you hug them they will hug back. Or just laugh at you. I want that so very badly. So if you have this chance, take it! It could mean everything to them I know it would mean everything to me.
So please, whoever is reading this, if you have a sibling please make sure to let them know how important they are to you…and please give them a hug … because you might just miss that chance.
Karyn Mandracchia Ahern via Facebook says
Kari, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Ryan is so proud of you <3 <3
Paula says
Kari, your words are heartwrenching and heartfelt, sorrowful yet sage, wistful and wise. I imagine it feels like you’re in a terrible dream at times. Sorrow, regrets, confusion and pain, deep pain from trying to understand why this nightmare happened and why, of all the people, it had to be someone as truly wonderful as your brother. We just don’t have the answers in this earthly realm, only more questions.
But, if I know nothing else, I know that in spite of all that has been lost, Ryan loves you and will always love you. Don’t think for a minute that love is gone. In the way that he always has, Ryan continues to watch over you and surely has a lot he’d love to say to you but can’t get the words out at the moment. Though clearly things are vastly different then they were, and the sorrow can easily wrap round your heart and threaten to suffocate any joy you have, remember — what would Ryan want the most for you? You know the answer — he would want you to follow your dreams and have all the happiness you deserve.
This is what I’ve learned from getting to know your family — one, that you are extraordinarily strong people, and two, you love each other in a way many families just don’t. That love and strength — Ryan still has it. The cruel souls who attacked him robbed him of a lot, but they cannot nor will they ever take his character, reputation, accomplishments, tenacity, strength or love. I hope you will always remember that you and your family are loved by many, prayed for on a daily basis, and have a team of people who have circled the wagons around you and aren’t going anywhere. We are team Diviney and we are keeping the faith!
You are no doubt the biggest light in Ryan’s life and thank God for you!! Your laughter lifts his spirits and your words elevate his soul. Your presence gives him that extra inspiration to keep pushing and your love is all the motivation he needs to keep on keeping on. When the pain, sorrow and anger come calling, give them a moment then send them away. No one and nothing can ever break the bond you share with Ryan because it’s in your soul. May the Lord soothe your spirit, encourage you, heal the hurt and fill your spirit with His peace. Easter is the season of renewal, hope and the promise of life everlasting. Ryan has this and so do you. Never forget that.
Love, hugs and wishes for a joyful Easter for you and your family.
Paula
Ann H Tearle says
Oh, Kari, your pain is so very raw….. I pray daily for Ryan and his healing, you, Ken and Sue–for your daily renewal, strength, hope and courage to keep on keeping on. Ryan is there with you, just not the way you thought he would be.
I lost my beloved sister to breast ca when she was only 38, I was 33–and I read your post with remembrance that I missed so many opportunities to really let her know how much she meant to me and how much i loved her–we, too, were becoming closer. Then, suddenly, within 4 months of her diagnosis, boom, she was gone. Just, gone. Not the same as you and Ry, but the feelings of loss are so far beyond the pale you wonder how you can possibly go on. You just do it….sometimes, it’s just one breath to the next, is how fragile going on, is. God bless you dear Kari–your beloved brother knows how much you love and honor him, and pray for his healing.
carla liberty says
Sweet, sweet Kari,
What a beautiful, heartfelt post. You are such an amazing sister to Ryan and I know he is so proud of you! Ryan may not be able to physically tell you right now but faith tells me he hears and sees and feels the love you and your family has for him. Keep doing what you’re doing honey, and don’t be so hard on yourself.
Sending you hugs and praying as always for all of you.
Love to you!!
Jaimi Dean Franus via Facebook says
Love to you, Kari! I dream of a whole Ryan fairly often!!
Alison Angus-Barry via Facebook says
Kari, I’m so sorry, big hugs to you. I hope and pray that one day Ryan will hug you and smile at you again. I lost my big brother when he was 46, I had many years with him but I know your pain.
PK Miller says
Your brother is there, Kari. He very well may understand all you are saying to him just not be able to respond. I wish there was away to take away all your pain, restore Ryan to fullness. I don’t know of any. I do believe in the power of prayer. You are all in my prayers daily & added to our Cathedral Prayer Table each Wednesday. Deacon Sue uploads those intercessions that night to the worldwide Episcopal/Anglican Communion. May the glory of Jesus’ resurrection heal you all and bring you strength.
Karen T. says
Love you Kari – very good advice. You are right, I am blessed to have my two brothers. I am the baby sister by far, so I have had this opportunity for all of my 53 years. My husband still has his brother but lost his sister to cancer just over two years ago. Siblings are the only ones that share most all of what we grow up with, so you have suffered a tremendous loss.
I miss Ryan too, and I absolutely know that Ryan was always proud of you. So let your heart not be troubled by what you did or didn’t get to say to him. We all wish that we may have said or not said various things to all kinds of people.
In the meantime, it is a blessing that your dreams have the “Good-Old-Self-Ryan.” Something tells me that Ryan would like it that way. The next time you dream of Ryan, try to let your subconscious tell him everything that you can think of to tell him . . . especially the things you wish you had said to him before he suffered this terrible brain injury. Maybe God will give him the message, just like maybe God is sending you Ryan’s messages through your dreams.
Vanessa L Richardson says
Beautiful and poignant. ((((((Hugs)))))))) and prayers, always for you and the family. I still believe in miracles, and the power of love. He still has a life through all of you.
Karen T. says
You are a wonderful person Vanessa – you have a good heart.
Ann H Tearle via Facebook says
God bless Ryan and Team Diviney all the way to the moon and back:)
Trisha Myers via Facebook says
Hugs
David Chagnon says
Kari,
As someone from a big family, who is very close, I understand your feelings of a loss of the big brother you had, but it’s all in there, he’s still the same person, his just can’t be your protective older sibling right now; but, in time, with gods assistance, his brain will continue to heal, Right now, he needs you to be his strong little sister that you have been! Hugs to you and yours!
David Chagnon
Sendy Ward King via Facebook says
Hugs to you
Sandy Pricw says
Hang on to the precious moments you did have with him, no one can take those away from you! I know he knew how much you loved him…..that’s just how siblings are. I will pray for a miracle for you, him and your family!
Rita Caporicci Hoop via Facebook says
Hugs to Kari <3 Her big brother is so proud of her!