This is a tough time of the year for me. The next few weeks were a big part of my life… in my former life. Three events happened in rapid succession: Father’s Day, my birthday (which I use to extend to my “birthday season” and our annual family vacation.
I remember the last set of these so well. Probably because they were they best ever. It’s tough knowing there is little hope of ever experiencing this degree of pure happiness ever again. Now, I’m left with memories that are as equally fond as they are heart wrenching. I’m so thankful for having these, but they hurt just the same.
It is nothing short of hell, decorated to look like heaven. I got your “wolf in sheep’s clothing” right here!
I’ll get through it — maybe even with a little grace — because I always do. It’s not like I have a damned choice. Sadly, I’ll be glad when it’s all in the past. It means I’m of the hook for another 365 days until I start feeling gloomy again. Well, gloomy for these reasons anyhow, since there’s a-plenty of gloom to go around throughout the year. Memories are a hag-faced bitch with a rockin’ body. The knowledge of all that was lost is unrelenting in its cruelty. Funny how the past just doesn’t make it better. Yep, that’s a flipping riot, Norton…
This year for my Father’s Day I will again be asking to have my son back… completely back too, in mind, body, and spirit. When I close my eyes to blow out the inferno of birthday candles I’ll make a wish that I am gifted with the ability to turn back time. If not that, then how about allowing me to give all my future birthdays to Ryan? You know, the (ever hilarious) tit-for-tat cliché in all it’s buxom glory. If only I had a tat! This year’s family vacation will take place on the patio. Maybe I’ll even pour a strangely neon-colored, icy drink with an umbrella and stick my toes in a bucket of sand just to see if I can fool myself.
I’ll just close my eyes and let my mind take me back to another time… another place… so I can pretend it’s happening now. Who knows? Maybe I’ll just be lucky enough to get a quick flash of joy, or even that rarely seen, yet often reported, tit for tat?
Sherry Noland says
I am praying for you and your family. I understand your desire for days passed. I lost my twenty-six year old son to an automobile accident seven and a half years ago. You and I have been thrust into journeys neither of us were prepared to travel. But we are surviving with every new twist and turn. We are blessed, I am blessed that my son passed instantly and suffered no pain. You are blessed because you still have your son in the physical. I long for one more touch, one more hug, one more smile. Every time you’re with your son and struggle with the “Why my son” questions, wrap your arms around him, kiss his warm cheek and hold his hand and think of this stranger you have never met and smile. He may never be the same physically or mentally, but he is here for a reason and his story through you is still changing lives. As I believe my son looks down and is proud of my efforts to keep his memory alive and make him proud to call me mom; I know you make your son VERY PROUD for all you do and continue to do to bring justice on his behalf. God bless you and your family and I will be praying for you during the parole hearing.
Jo Hobbs via Facebook says
Ken, we continue our prayers to God for Ryan and your family. In spite of how difficult things are right now, I pray that you find some good things to celebrate with your family this father’s day and birthday. We look forward to hearing about any improvements Ryan is making. I know when I saw the last video, it was evident to me that Ryan had made progress in “alertness” from the previous times I’d seen him. Sometimes when we are so close to someone, we may not recognize small changes that occur day to day, but they do add up. Enjoy your weekend with your family. God Bless you.
Your pain is so vivid, so real and so raw. I ache for the days you want back. For Kari’s laughter, while Ryan teases Sue about whatever he is trying to tease her about for the fourteenth time. For the day you got sunshine on your face and thought of it as something rare and special. Even for the time that you could forget all these people that have found you and love you because of what happened to Ryan. To bring your beautiful boy back. I truly get it, and I am so sorry. I love you, Ryan, Sue, Kari and the pups, more than you know.
As always, holding you close and wiping the tears away……….
Gail Doyle says
Can’t imagine the pain you’re going through and hopes it helps a little to know so
many people believe Ryan will come back, We will keep praying and hope ,like Rita said,
new memories can be made that will feel good too ..And Ryan will thank you from the bottom of his heart one day!
I wish you a nice Father’s Day, Birthday and to enjoy your “vacation” on patio. Wish we could all join you
John Christopher Nolan says
No words equal the injustice.
I continue to pray.
Dave Chagnon says
If prayers mean anything; you dreams WILL come true, and never give up!
I mad it through two strokes, I believe Ryan will come back to you.
Carla Liberty says
Heart-wrenching, real, and raw. I am so sorry this has happened Ken. Like these kind folks who commented before me, prayers continue as always. I especially like Paula’s comment that if Ryan could, he would be thanking you for not giving up on him. I truly believe this with all my heart. And with everything in me, I believe he will make his way back to you.
Ali Young via Facebook says
As much as I love reading your posts it hurts so much every time.. The feet in the sand bucket really pains me to read.. Give ryan a kiss for me. God bless your family.
Praying for and wishing you peace, Ken.
My heart is with you, Ken. All that you say is poignantly heart wrenching and true. How little control we really have on this earth it seems. How many of us wish we could turn back time to re-live those golden moments of carefree happiness and peace!
You have an especially adept way of writing about deep pain with humor and perspective. It’s helpful to others to see how you perceive the hurt and suffering — it teaches people how to acknowledge heartache and still cope. I am praying you will have many flashes of joy and a big splash of happiness that comes out of nowhere!
I continue to believe in Ryan’s recovery, and pray for positive signs you can see. And again, I would like to thank you for allowing us to be a part of your lives. It is amazing to me that even in your family’s worst pain you are all willing to allow us to be part of your lives. I thank you for that.
For every tear and sorrow you have suffered I pray for healing, hope and peace that mends your broken heart. Ryan is a great source of love and inspiration – I am sure if he could say the words, you would hear him telling you, “Dad, thank you for not giving up on me, and for sacrificing all that you have so that I can have a chance to live.”
There is no greater love nor meaning in life than that, Ken, and you are doing it. I pray for renewed strength for you each day and that The Lord will refresh your spirit. We will keep walking through this journey together.
Ginger Henry via Facebook says
Saying prayers for your family. Treasure your memories….and keep the faith…….You have a wonderful son in Ryan…….always saying prayers for All……<3
Rita Caporicci Hoop via Facebook says
Praying that you’ll start making new memories with your family that you’ll treasure as much as the old ones, and that the old ones will become ever more precious and less painful over time <3
Jennifer Spitz Gryder via Facebook says
I don’t want to like this! Thinking of you!
Jeannette Hennett says
Ken, How I wish for you too…with all my heart!