Some things just annoy the bejeebers out of me. Actually, many things annoy me… now that I give it a second of thought. Other things trouble me and I’m about to share this with you. But, here’s my problem, I want it both ways! Eh, that’s not quite right either… maybe I just want things my way.
People know how it hurts me to see people stare at Ryan. What happened the other day doesn’t change this, but showed there is a fine line of proper behavior.
Let me begin with this… I blame the parents. Make no mistake about that.
Ryan and I were leaving work late in the afternoon. It’s a complicated process of maneuvering his wheel chair to get him through the exterior doors. It’s two sets of double doors. One door is stuck shut. Another doesn’t swing fully open. You see the challenge?
Anyhow, as I approach these doors I see a boy, probably middle-school age, sitting in the breezeway between the sets of doors. He sees me, but thankfully doesn’t stare. I immediately appreciate this… for just a few seconds.
He’s not staring because he just doesn’t have any interest.
I suppose it was too much to hope that he would pop up and hold the door open. He didn’t. Instead locked-in on his smartphone. apparently he was looking at the most interesting thing in the world.
No problem. I push the door open. I get Ryan halfway through before his wheel hangs up on the door as it closes. I look over at him and see he watching, but faking that he is looking at his phone. I’m immediately pissed. Not because I struggling with Ryan either. It is entirely because this boy has no sense of community. I have no doubt where he didn’t learn this.
After lifting and shifting Ryan’s chair I have the door (mostly) behind him — propped on his push bar — and I squeeze through to open the next door. This is where it gets tricky because I must hold the previously opened door, open the next door, and guide Ryan through it as I stand to the side of him. It takes a fair amount of strength. It takes a ton of coordination.
This boy doesn’t budge. He is actually in my way now. For the hell of it I turn to him suddenly and catch him watching me. He quickly shifts his gaze back to his phone.
I get Ryan through the door and set his wheelchair brake. His mother (who is quite the hotty) had joined him at some time when I was executing the tricky door-to-door transfer. I stepped back into the breezeway, square-up to them in a non-threatening way, and said nothing. I just wait for them to acknowledge me. And waited. And waited some more. If nothing else, I’m willing to bide my time. I can feel their unease growing (and I kind of enjoy it). It was a least a minute before the mother did look up. I locked her (strikingly sexy) eyes with mine. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: Is that your boy?
Mother: Yes, Why?
Me: Well, it seems — from my limited experience with him — he needs some guidance on helping a fellow human.
Mother: Why?
Me: I’ll assume you didn’t grasp what just happened, but that worries me for your boy’s sake.
Mother: *** dumbstruck***
Me: It’s clear you need some guidance first, otherwise it’s no better than the blind leading the blind. The two of you should discuss how you can better fit into society.
Mother: I don’t appreciate what you saying.
Me: That’s okay. You’re appreciation is of no concern to me, but thank you for sharing your feelings. As his parent you are compelled to develop him emotionally and as a good citizen. All I ask is that you two think of how you might handle similar situations in the future. Good day.
I heard her curse me — as a jerk — under her breath. I get that a lot from women and let it roll off.
Hey, I get it. I was being completely judgmental. I’ve become intolerant of parental failure (as I see it through my own eyes, mind you)… and with damned good reason. I’m calling them out and will take the risk that I’m completely off-base. I can live with being wrong in how I discern this.
Then I took Ryan down the ramp toward his van only to see the mail carrier backing his truck in the handicap space next to ours. Are you flippin’ kidding me! Wrong!
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Postman: Oh, do you need this space?
Me (sarcastically): My question is, do you need this space?
Postman: I can move.
Me (sarcastically): Wow! You would do that? You would sacrifice your convenience for a person entitled to that space? You’re quite the gem.
I planted myself firmly in front of his open vehicle door. It took just a few seconds of some scathing words about being a good citizen, that sounded eerily like my echo from the doorway just a moment ago, and he was finding another spot.
I hate that I’m turning into a big jerk. Actually, my wife will probably tell you I’ve always been one and she’s never wrong! I’m just taking it to a whole other level.
I can understand why you felt like a jerk. The mother and boy didn’t owe you anything, but the ignorance of the entire world is shown in this situation. With your patience being worn thin with those stupid doors, I’m sure you felt it come crashing down on you like a ton of bricks. I can say that with all you have to deal with, you shouldn’t let rude people like that bother you, but it would bother me. I would of said something like “Really? Between the two of you neither one of you could offer to hold the door? I can only imagine what your grandchildren will be like.” Maybe saying something like that would of made them think what jerks they are instead of thinking you’re a jerk. Same with the mail carrier. I would of asked him to draw a diagram for you on how you’re supposed to get your son into the van. At that point, my anger and frustration would of taken over. You had every RIGHT to handle the situation the way you did. My advice: though you didn’t ask for it and you may have already done this: do everything you can to get those doors fixed. You shouldn’t have to be bothered with so many small minded people.
i love the way you handled it….since my son,Wally s TBI,his filter between brain and mouth no longer works,,,,it has rubbed off on me…lol…i have NO filter……i don t get “jerk”,i get “bitch”……or when they are polite it s :abrasive”……..we love and protect our kids fiercely,as it should be
btw,the double set of doors is just like what we have to navigate at his primary care s office…it s a nightmare…..wally is over 300 lbs now and has an extra wide chair…we get stuck all the time….only half the time does anyone in the crowded waiting room help us
I have been away from my computer for a few days BUT HOLY COW DO I GET THIS. I always got annoyed when I saw people get out of cars that were not handicapped but they had the sticker so they parked there. I figure if you can walk that well, a little more walking will help you.
BUT parking a CAR in a VAN handicapped spot is not acceptable. Even the spots for vans are not always perfect for lowering the ramp and getting the wheelchair turned around and lined up to get in the van correctly.
I also get the whole lack of community from people, I am always the first to open a door, hold the elevator, whatever needs done to help others. I have grown to a point that I will talk to the person in the wheelchair or the person helping them if they can’t talk. There is a reason they are in the chair, let someone vent. Perhaps I have a tidbit that might help them.
However, I want to say that when the person whom you have given up everything for and are doing similar things that you do for your son on a daily basis, couldn’t give a crap about you and rolls over your foot in a 600 pound wheelchair, it hurts. Physically but also mentally. My in laws, for whom, I gave up my business, my home, all of our savings, my health, my dog’s health and lives, my personal time with my husband and his parents could care less if we live in our car, so long as we are not living in their home if they have to pay people to take care of my mother in law.
Dealing with people who refuse to ask what is wrong or how they can help or worst of all don’t even acknowledge you can turn you into a huge jerk, and you are right and justified.
Be a jerk, someone needs to start teaching people to not stare and think of others. People suck sometimes.
Hugs and smiles from a fellow jerk,
Rhonda
Ken, I have the utmost respect for you and what you are doing for Ryan. It is simply amazing. I must politely disagree with your approach with the Mom whose child did not help you. I understand your disappointment that he did not help and if he were your child, it’s totally appropriate to talk with him about the importance of helping. However, he is not your child and I don’t think it’s appropriate to confront his mother with this, any more than it would be to “call her” on the fact that her child was eating unhealthy, greasy food or wearing clothes that you didn’t think were appropriate. What I think is appropriate is for all of us to do more to compliment children who are doing well, who do help, etc. Also, I have learned over the years that when I need help it is best to simply ask for it — don’t assume that others know that you need, or want, help. Enough said on that. As for the postal worker in the handicapped space — you are absolutely correct. The issue not addressed, however, is what would have happened if the person in the space was legitimately there, blue hanging tag and all. I think you have raised this before — the handicapped spaces are too close together to accomodate side loading. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts. I continue to be impressed with all that you are doing with the new LLC, the new logo, etc. You are benefitting not only Ryan, but many others with brain injuries, now and in the years to come.
“One of the many annoying things about Internet trolls is that it’s difficult to define precisely, with academic rigour, what they do. Claire Hardaker, a lecturer at University of Central Lancashire’s department of linguistics and English language, took up the challenge. Her study called ‘Trolling in Asynchronous Computer-Mediated Communication’ is published somewhat counter-intuitively in the Journal of Politeness Research.
Hardaker presented an early form of the paper to a mostly troll-free audience at the Linguistic Impoliteness and Rudeness conference held at her university in 2009.
After much research and hard work, Hardaker came up with a working definition. A troll is someone ‘who constructs the identity of sincerely wishing to be part of the group in question, including professing, or conveying pseudo-sincere intentions, but whose real intention(s) is/are to cause disruption and/or to trigger or exacerbate conflict for the purposes of their own amusement’.
(excerpt from “Trolling for Annoyance” Science Friday, Marc Abrahams)
I don’t know how you COULD be quiet in those two situations. Good. For. You.
The Postal Worker had NO right to park in a handicap parking space. Period. End of discussion. Lyndr, your line of reasoning regarding the postal worker is completely off base.
2 Points: The child should not jump up to help a stranger as he then puts himself in jeopardy. We taught the kids to run if someone approaches them for help. The postman may have had a very heavy package or maybe a recent injury to his back and needed to park nearby for a quick stop. The point is others have problems too, they just may not be as apparent as yours.
I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion so I’ll express mine in reply to yours. Yes, children should be fully aware of “Stranger Danger” and make safe decisions accordingly. I concur. However, this young man was in middle school….Preteen. It’s not like Ken was saying, “Come here little boy, do you want a piece of candy”…This is where your viewpoint loses fodder and common sense and courtesy should have kicked in for the kid, if it’s intact or ever existed. Ken didn’t even ask for help. I’d bet there’s a zero chance that the Smartphone absorbed kid had any concerns that Ken was going to kidnap him. Unless of course Ken looked like a threat as he struggled to navigate his man sized semiconscious comatose son in his wheelchair through 2 sets of double doors. Really?
I can’t speak of the logistics of the postman except to merely explain that it’s ILLEGAL to park in a handicapped spot unless you are handicapped and have a decal. No excuses and no quick stops. In reply to yours thoughts, I’ll simply say that if the postman had a heavy package, he should park legally in the closest spot or USE A DOLLY! As for a having a recent back injury, if the postman can’t perform his job to capacity without breaking the law, maybe he should go on Family Medical Leave and get some Physical Therapy.
“STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES”
Jeannette, thank you for responding. Sheesh!
Lyndr, “ditto” Jeannette Hennett. Handicap parking is for the use of people that are in need of the assistance. Now as far as the the teenage boy not even offering to help…………………………unfortunately, I see a alot of teenagers come through my store and it is the exception that is polite. It is the exception that buys something at my counter and will say something courteous. Usually it’s a yeah, or no response at all. Now I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s reality. We are losing the race here folks. The way many of us were brought up is so different than the way kids are brought up today. We were taught to respect adults. We were taught to open doors, or hold them open for the next person coming through. We watched our parents help and assist people and did the same thing. If their parents aren’t teaching them, we should, collectively. I’m hoping that this doesn’t happen to you or anyone else again, but, maybe if it does I would suggest that next time, as a teacher, you say, hey, young man, I could sure use your help over here. I’m coming from a good place Ken and have the utmost respect for you, but maybe just maybe as a “village” we can help teach some of these kids important lessons that they are not learning at home.
Gloria, it is my personal approach to not initiate or engage people who are under 18 years old. That’s why I went directly to his mother.
Lyndr, if you don’t like the magnet idea that was mentioned in a prior post, what about a T shirt or wrist band? How ’bout it?
You are NOT a jerk! Our civilization is no longer civilized. Manners are what make us superior to animals by showing love and respect for each other. Maybe, just maybe you saved those folks by pointing out their lack of love for their fellow human beings. Maybe there’s hope for that boy because you were there.
My husband and I are laughing because he worked in his younger days as a Postmaster in our small local post office. He left before he “went postal”, he could not reason with the supervisors in the larger offices who did not know anything about running a business.
I have to admit, I laughed my butt off after reading this but only because you were bold in standing up to these people. However, I also hate it that you had to deal with it but the sad thing is there are people like that out there. Not all, but some. I have done the same thing when it comes to seeing people who do not help others especially a time when I was pregnant and walked past two young teenage boys that didn’t offer to help me carry my grocery bags up two flights of steps. I am very proud that my own kids were taught right and I’ve even experienced them coming to the aid of others… I’m with you 100%! 🙂
It’s that entitlement mentality at work….. kid sits there on his throne thinking his cell phone is the most important thing in the world. Never mind that a fellow citizen might need a helping hand…..The fact that the Mom didn’t like hearing the truth tells me she is of the same mentality. It’s just another day of “Me, me, me and to hell with the rest of the world!!” Also…last I checked, people get FINED if they park in a handicap spot when they are not supposed to. Why did the postal worker feel entitled to take that spot? UGH! Where is the sense of decency toward our fellow human beings?
The first thing I thought when I read this is that the child didn’t know how to handle the situation. He saw you struggling and watched, almost embarrassed by his lack of understanding what was wrong with Ryan and uncomfortable. It could have/should have been a learning moment for him. If his mother was there you or she could have asked him for a helping hand. I agree with your point that he hasn’t been taught. Today in the store I thought about your post. There was a mother with her baby in a sling. She had her hands full and a toddler next to her. She needed to pick up her basket and leaned down and jerked upward. It was clear that if she bent down to get the basket, her baby was at risk of falling out of her sling. It was a natural response for me to run over and help her. Afterwards I thought of you. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get that helping hand and that negativity was added to your day.
I have to admit my daughters 11,9 and 6 on their own might not have helped but sure as shit (sorry) if I was there they all 3 would have done something to help. Hoping that as they get older they would do it on their own!
i totally understand what you mean about staring. I was actually blessed to be exposed to many people with disabilities as a child, and I learned a lot. One of my childhood friends, “Pam” had an older sister “MaryLou” with severe physical and mental diabilities. “MaryLou” was the oldest of four, and the younger three used to also get mad when people stared at their sister – their solution was to stare back. When I was about 8 years old, I went with them one time to a museum in downtown DC. I found myself joining the siblings in staring back. It really taught me a lesson in how stares, often taking place once the starers thought the family had gone by, negatively impacts others. I mean, isn’t the situation enough of a challenge, without enduring stares too. It was a lesson well learned.
It also helped me to not ignore people either. I mean, you don’t have to walk by people in a wheelchair blindly either – it is okay to say hello, especially when you find yourself seeing that person who is in that wheelchair regularly at work, church, etc. It can be equally awkward, I think, if you pretend you don’t see them – I mean people in wheelchairs are among us and deserve the same recognition that we would give to someone not in a wheelchair.
My Mom was a big volunteer advocate for the mentally and physically disabled, so much so that she was honored by the State of Maryland as an Olympic Torch Bearer the year of the Atlanta Olympics. I spent a lot of hours helping my Mom do good works for the disabled over the years, and I took the lesson with me that I learned through “MaryLou.” Heck, upping my efforts to assist others is even how I got out of attending CCD. My Mom told me, “Okay, once you complete your requirements for Confirmation, I won’t make you attend CCD any more as long as you will spend at least double that amount of time assisting those less fortunate than you.” I took the deal, and I gained far more than I ever gave. Now, that, is parenting at its best!
Oh, Kenneth! You have led a sheltered life. It’s a jungle out here!
It’s amazing how genuinely discourteous people have become. Lazy. Self-centered. Children who dictate to their parents – and parents who let them get away with it! It boggles my mind when folks comment on how polite my daughter is for a 5 year old. Granted, I have drilled it into them to be kind to others for no other reason than to be kind (not because they need or want something from someone else, etc), I want to ask them, Umm thanks but don’t you teach your kids manners?!
You have every right to be pissed. People get pissed back because they don’t want to be hear the truth. Once in a grocery store parking lot, I encountered a mom with a small child who decided it would be a great idea to ditch her shopping cart by resting it against someone else’s car instead of walking the mere 20 feet to the cart corral. When I politely suggested that it wasn’t a good idea to leave it there, pointing out the close proximity of the corral, she immediately cursed me out in front her small child and continue to chase me through the parking lot in her over-sized SUV and cursing at me. I prayed that this poor child was actually in a car seat and wondered what would become of his demeanor as he grows up.
These other folks are complete A-holes being, well, A-holes. They are not real parents. They have no understanding of the word “parent.”
I’m so sorry you had to experience this. Hopefully your encounter with this son and mother will have a positive effect on them. Please know that there are many many many folks that care about you and your family even though the rest of the world is so ignorant.
: )
My question is, do you need this space? 🙂
Pure genius Ken!
Is that really the way people are in West Virginia? Just so hard for a Midwesterner to imagine such inconsiderate people. Yesterday as I was struggling trying to get out of my Corvette this young man came running up to me and offered his hand to pull me out of it, he looked to be around 16. I was trying to get the belt off and I had a heavier coat on and just wasn’t the right angle to effieciently get out, maybe you and the family should trying moving to the Midwest, we are nice out here.
I think what you did is spot-on! If I hadn’t held a door open for someone who obviously needed help at a young age, I can’t imagine what my parents would have done to me. Keep it up!
Your brilliant, inspiring, caring not anything most jerks are! I dont see this as being a jerk, I see this as reaching out to people who need a wake up call to be there for your fellow citizens. Life isnt just about caring for yourself, you should care about what others are going through and give out a helping hand whenever you can. You can bet they would have EXPECTED the same if it was them. I am so thankful you are speaking up about this, more of us should do that!! Im not sure of alot of things in the scary world, but I am sure that Ryan is lucky to have you as his father! Keep speaking up!!
Hi Ken,
It seems there’s been a slow but steady decline in people’s willingness to demonstrate basic civil deportment towards one another. You nailed it though — if parents do not teach their children about kindness and respect for others, how are the kids going to learn even the basics of it?
Somewhere along the line it became “It’s all about me and what I want! How I think, what I feel, how I look, me, me, me.” What happened to actually seeing another person rather than looking right through them? When did people become so unconcerned, fearful and/or unwilling to lend a hand? What happened to cause parents to become so reluctant to address negative behaviors in their children?
A few years back I was in a gas station up the road with my young daughter in the car. I could hear loud screaming from one of the other cars, a young woman shouting “help me, please, someone” — I was terrified and so was my then little girl. Everyone was acting as though they couldn’t hear it. My hands were shaking but I dialed 911 as I scanned the area. I finally figured out the cries were coming from a white van with no windows. I got the license plate # and gave it to 911. My daughter was in the backseat crying. What I wanted to do was go from car to car and look. There must have been six other cars in the gas station, most of which did not have children in them. All I could think was, what if that was your son or daughter screaming for help???
I bring this up only to say that kids watch how their parents react. What if I just drove off and told my daughter not to worry about it. I later explained that in those situations one must be very careful how to handle it, but shouldn’t ignore another person’s need for help. There is always something you can do, the least of which is to call 911.
Has technology contributed toward this seeming disassociation from the feelings of others? How did people become so desensitized? I don’t know all the answers to these questions, but I do know parents remain the most powerful influences in a child’s life. I plan on having a talk today with my sons about this situation. And I don’t blame you for feeling angry,Ken. You were not acting like a jerk, you were acting like a parent whose son was savagely beaten by young men who were not taught how to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
I LOVE that you’re speaking up. More power to you. I can’t fathom not getting up and holding a door for someone. Had I done what that kid did when I was his age, my dad would’ve torn me a new one.
Inspiring!! I wish there were more people out there like you who showed people common sense to things in life. People are so disrespectful and they tend to only care about themselves. I don’t think it’s being a jerk, just teaching respect. I even tend to find myself saying “you’re welcome” as someone passes through a door I’m holding open for them! Best wishes to your family!!
Love it! You did exactly what I hope I’d do when faced with the same situation. It’s sad that there are generations of people out there who don’t seem to care about anybody but themselves. I wish I had been there to hold the door for you!
I’m a single mother to two boys and even my three year old holds open doors for strangers
They are the “jerks” Ken ,not you!
I have a new nickname for you: The Intimidator! People don’t know how to respond to direct confrontation like that, but hopefully it’ll make them think and be more self-aware of their response in future situations.
I agree with you! Kids learn from their parents! That boy should have helped. I am amazed how many time I hold a door for anyone and do not get a thank you! Mind you, I am a woman and open it for anyone! As far as the parking, people are down right rude!
I don’t think you were being a jerk whatsover, in fact, I admire that you for speaking the truth!! The unmitigated gall of that jerk on the bench that didn’t lift a finger, and as for the Post Office jerk, I would have reported him for using an unauthorized handicap space albeit it was on private property even so it was totally wrong. Thinking of a solution to those doors, I was wondering if the owners of the building must put some adaptive doorways in your suite and the entire building for that matter by law I think it is mandatory. You should not have to struggle with those doors. We need to find a better way for you to get Ryan in and out of there without so much effort and struggle!
You are not turning into a jerk. It is quite the opposite, the world itself is turning into jerks. I would just like to say that I don’t blame you one bit for standing up for Ryan and yourself. As for the mother and son, they should be ashamed. So many people have become this way and it is so true: the blind leading the blind. How hard would it have been to simply hold the door open? And the postman: shame on him. Shame on the laziness that the people of the world have turned too.
I can not sit here and say to you what i would like, don’t let people like that bother you because I do not live in the situation and face the hard obstacles you face: but just know that there are some good people in the world. I would have been HONORED to hold the door open for you and for Ryan.
God Bless you and I will pray continue to pray for you, (Ryan, and your family) today and ask God to help you realize that it truly isn’t you that is a jerk.