I tell people this life feels like I’m standing on the edge of the abyss. One that is unstable. It shifts and crumbles under my feet. I must constantly find balance. All the damned time I am making adjustments; most minor but not all. No, not all, by any means.
No different from driving on black ice, over-correction is often catastrophic. As an aside, I already decided my rapper name will be “Black Ice” so, true dat, Homey. There’s no slowing down either. It feels like some a-hole screwed the gas pedal to the floorboard and cut the brake line for good measure.
It’s the quintessential controlled-skid of life. Always moving forward at break-neck speed, but with the seatbelt firmly secured as though it might help when the car explodes into pieces. Looking up, as the world spins, and seeing nothing but danger and all of what could be crashed into. Oh, the times when I could feel the force of swiping something and just hoping the damage is only cosmetic. You know, nothing more than a scruff mark that can be buffed out with some hard work… if the time ever avails itself, that is.
There’s no rest stops along the way.
I
s the road to hell really paved with good intentions, as some suggest? Well, being down that road, passing through hell, and returning to it over-and-over again — like I’m on an oval racetrack, for pity’s sake — I can tell you that might not be the only road to hell. There are many, many roads… and paths… to hell. My road to hell was paved by senseless violence.
The worst thing about it? I look over and see Ryan is a passenger. He’s riding shotgun… tethered in a wheelchair. He’s depending on me for safe passage to a destination that is unmapped. The best I can do at this time is point us in the right direction and keep our “north star” as reference.
wally and i are on that road too since 2009…..your words give me strength….you made me cry with the part about looking over and seeing ryan riding shotgun……wally and i are riding too
Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13
And remember; “The task ahead of us is never as grate as the power behind us.” You and your family exemplify this and I have been ever so touched by the commitment you continue to invest. God be with you all.
I don’t know Ken, maybe Ryan’s in the driver’s seat and you are his passenger? Maybe his ridiculously strong, loving and oh so relevant spirit is pushing you forward and guiding you to take the path that was meant for you. I have NO DOUBT, that you are helping, not only your son, but countless others. You are BREAKING THROUGH and walking through so many of the barriers that have kept others from progressing. You are a force to be reckoned with. People are stopping and they are listening. People in both the the medical world, as well as, in the “common” household are taking notice of you and your Ryan.
You are CREATIVE. You are INNOVATIVE. You are DEVOTED. You are RELENTLESS. I am sure these traits existed within you BEFORE this happened to Ryan, but maybe they were not being “tapped into” or were being “thrown” around at what you might now consider “trivial” matters. You can no longer say that. No way, no how. Your family, your story and your Ryan, are living proof of that. You are undoubtedly changing lives. Maybe, just maybe, Ryan is helping YOU to take the path that was meant for you. I TRULY GET AND UNDERSTAND that on an emotional level and as his Dad, you would NEVER want this at the cost of your son, but I wonder?? Through your Devotion, Diligence, Intelligence and Creativity, we have witnessed Ryan unequivocally defy the odds- odds that have been stacked against him since day one. I truly believe that YOU are bringing him to a place of healing and along the way, you’re showing countless others suffering from traumatic brain injuries and other tragedies, how to look outside of the “box”, how to stand back up and to NEVER, EVER SETTLE. We’re all learning from YOUR RYAN, YOUR FAMILY and YOU. “Thanks” doesn’t even begin to touch that movement.
Looking forward to the day that I/we can wildly cheer you on as we watch YOU, with RYAN by your side, “pass the torch” to the next “movers and shakers”. I BELIEVE. I BELIEVE. I BELIEVE THIS, to be TRUE.
I will continue to pray for your continued strength and for Ryan’s complete healing- ALWAYS, FOREVER and UNTIL.
With love and in prayer,
Keri, MY C. F. FRANKIE and Family
Thinking of you. xx
Thinking of you. xx
………Ken, Ryan’s body was savaged, but his spirit is well and thriving. You are with him every step of the way and i can’t even begin to imagine the depth of your fatigue. I do know that i continue to pray everyday for you and Ryan (and Kari and Sue) for strength and comfort for the care that needs to be given every moment of every day. There really is no other place now, that you would really rather be…well, except it ‘would have been nice’ if this had never happened, but, it did, and this is what it is now. It’s a bitch, no two ways about it. I still believe there IS a plan….just that you are not privy to exactly what that plan is. Stay with it, Ken, Ryan needs you as never before. Prayers and love to you dear Ken and Team Diviney, Annie
We continue having your family in our thoughts and prayers….daily.
There is a stillness that comes over me when anything is mentioned about Ryan and his family. I have hung on every word written about this most awful, awful tragedy that cannot really be described in words. You have gone on and done everything you can possibly do and so many of us have admiration for how you’ve taken care of Ryan.
I will be at the Fondue fundraiser. In the meantime prayers and positive thoughts are being sent.
With God….ALL things are possible! Keep your faith & keep believing! I couldn’t imagine going through what your family has gone through. A mother and a father live their lives protecting their children and never want to be in a position where we feel helpless. You are doing a fine job with your beautiful son and you will continue to fight through this! Remember Ryan is one of God’s children and he’s looking out for your son as well. Ask God to pick up you up and carry you and Ryan through this. You’re not alone during this journey…if it’s God’s Will anything thing and miracle is possible 🙂 Prayers to all of you throughout your journey!
You are certainly going through hell with Ryan now, but you two are not the ones on the road to Hell. Team Diviney will stand strong with your family all the way to victory. We have no doubt that all of your hard work and Ryan’s will pay off, and that you’ll both go on to do great things in this life (and beyond). Love and prayers always <3
I want to offer this quote of encouragement during such a difficult time: “It is time for us all to stand and cheer for the doer, the achiever – the one who recognizes the challenges and does something about it.” ~Vince Lombardi~ Let’s face it, Ken. You are a champion for Ryan. “A champion is someone who gets up, even when he can’t.” Cheering you on my friend. We are all cheering you on!!!!
Real. Raw. Relevant. Unmatched.
I had to remind myself to breathe after I finished reading your post today Ken.
“He’s depending on me for safe passage to a destination that is unmapped. The best I can do at this time is point us in the right direction and keep our “north star” as reference.”
Beautifully stated, Ken.
Sending you love, hugs … prayers abiding … and – your willingness to stay the course is helping to change the lives of others … most especially your beautiful son.
I understand. It never seems to stop and there is no rest. The worst part is looking into Jonathan’s eyes and knowing that he truly is dependent upon us 24/7 for everything and wondering what happens down the road. I function by staying in the present, even in the moment and knowing that I know that I know that God is in control. After almost six years of doing this 24/7 with no respite, I (we) still have our moments! I don’t pretend to understand all you go through because not only is your plate full; it is stacked, but I comprehand some of it. Praying for you daily.
I had heard the comment “no good deed goes unpunished” a few time before I started taking care of my father in law, but I never really knew what it meant. Then it was EVERYWHERE. AND I TRULY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS! That is the scary part. You are feeling the way you are because you are not only making those daily decisions for yourself but because you are making ALL the decisions for your son.
We make unconscious decisions all the time, heart beat, breathing, sweating, blood move through your veins, walk to this place and all that stuff works to walk there. For your son he might be making his heart beat, blood, all that but walking, brushing his teeth, thinking what he wants to eat – YOU HAVE TO MAKE ALL THOSE DECISIONS AND MAKE THEM HAPPEN.
AND you are in this place because of pure evil. That in and of itself is enough to drive any sane man insane. And I know you have not stopped since this happened to even deal with your own sadness, hatred, anger, frustration, grief, uncertainty……
I get you on this post, Godsped Black Ice!
Ken, Hoping that road takes a detour and brings Ryan back. Can’t even imagine ….Always here ,never going away
love gail
~~This is certainly how it feels to be unjustly served and it’s beautifully written~~…..My prayers for overwelming PEACE that surpasses all understanding of this inhumane act. Keep getting stronger Ryan !!!!
~~This is certainly how it feels to be unjustly served and it’s beautifully written~~…..My prayers for overwelming PEACE that surpasses all understanding of this inhumane act. Keep getting stronger Ryan !!!!
Ryan is your True North. Prayers for everyone.
your family shows the true meaning of family. Sticking together, through anything, troubles and tribulations, laughs tears, headaches and fears. I pray that your family can one day soon be together as a whole. I admire you all for all you do, your passion for life gives new meaning to my own. Love and prayers sent your way daily!
Keep up the fight. Gods plan is never revealed in the time frame that we feel is right for us.
I am praying for you and for Ryan. I’m praying for Ryan to get better, and I am praying for you to maintain the strength that you have shown. God has entrusted you with a special mission, otherwise Ryan would not be with you now. It is such a shame what has befallen Ryan and your family, but the greater shame is the parents who are not as dedicated to their children as you are to Ryan. My hat is off to you, sir, and although we have never met, I love you like a brother for your courage and determination. God bless you and your family.
Thinking of you and your family. Still here and still following your story and praying as I have from day one.