I took the weekend off from writing. Truth is, I’m really not motivated to write today either. I’m forcing myself. This is a rough week with the three-year anniversary of my sons brutal beating (by Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May) sitting squarely in the middle. Oh, how I hate November 7th.
I would rather hide from the world for a while. Just stick a pillow over my head, squeezing off the sounds and light, and sob. That would be easy to do. It’s so damn tempting.
I won’t, because it’s not my style.
I can’t, because I have no choose.
It’s best to square-up to it… face it head-on. Then plow through it. That’s what strong people do and I want to one of them. No matter the challenge, I want to rise above it. No, not just that, but make it better. Improve the situation, so to speak.
I realized early on in life that, like Ryan, I was an effective leader. It was noticeable in the organizations I ran, the teams that I coached, and the family I nurtured. All successful. Even now I hope most see it in my campaign to keep Ryan relevant. I pour my heart into it. It defines me. What I didn’t realize was my family’s (potential) strength. I sure do now, to my dismay. As for me, I have proven this to myself many times in the past three years. I’m being boastful here (as I often am), but it shocks me that I’m stronger than I ever imagined. But, that’s not to say the strong don’t cry… we just try not to do it in front of others. That’s not because we don’t want to appear weak, it’s because we have the feelings of others to consider. It’s nothing more than a façade to make others comfortable around us.
Also, I wish I never knew this about myself. How much happier I would be in blissful ignorance. I’d trade these — strength and ignorance — in an instant.
Strength is one thing, endurance is another. There is a trade-off.
For Ryan’s sake, I worry how long I can keep this pace. For now I’m doing well enough, but clearly this is slowly killing me. It’s getting me from both sides. The pure, unrelenting stress must be having a hell of a fun time with my physiological systems. In other words, converting it into physically destructive properties. Then there’s the toll it’s taking on my body. It’s not just the bruises and scratches either. It’s the strained muscles, chronic achenes, and joint issues.
I hurt on every level.
There’s no end in sight so, like I do, I live in the moment with this aspect of my life too. I glance up every so often to make sure I’m heading in the right direction and see what the next obstacle is in front of us, but then it’s back to the task at hand. No need to look back, that’s just the wreckage and it’s too much to bear seeing it.
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During this week, when readership will be up, I’d like to use this horrible anniversary in a positive way. Let’s see if I can increase donations to Ryan’s Special Needs Trust Fund. Ideally with more people signing-up for the monthly recurring option, but a one-time contribution is always appreciated. For those who already do this, maybe even see if they might make an extra donation, apart from their recurring one. No sense faking anything here (Real and Raw!), I’m blatantly exploiting the anniversary of the beating to improve the situation. Ryan’s situation, to be exact. I you can help, the contribution form (in yellow border) is in the right sidebar of this page.
Ken, we will always be here and praying for you, Ryan and your entire family. I come from a very athletic family and we have all suffered and driven our body to levels we thought we couldn’t get to.I have coached many sports teams and would loved to have YOU on any of my teams. Your heart,drive, endurance,passion, dedication to your son are unmatchable. Keep your head up and your mind strong and just know there is thousands of people out here admiring you everyday of the week. Keeps writing and know we will never go away.
I continue my prayers for Ryan and his family. I seriously believe the God is right there with you each second of the day protecting and giving the strangth needed for each day. After all we believe that Christ is present in each persons heart; we are the temple of God and you take care of Him each day through Ryan.
You are a great Father to Ryan and he is blessed to have you. I will say a prayer to help you get through this anniversary and I hope Ryan is doing OK.
Ken, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Instead I’ll just say that we’re not going to leave you or your beautiful family, no matter what. We can’t erase your pain, only try to comfort you however we can. Thank you for letting us help; it is a privilege. Everything you’ve done is not in vain, one look at Ryan affirms this. The sacrifices you have made are enormous, beyond what most of us can even fathom. And yet you press on. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. Lean on us, we’ll help however we can. You’re not alone though you shoulder all the burden. We care deeply and through our actions will continue to show our caring for you and your family. We give you our prayers and positive thoughts, our hope and faith and belief in a better day. An abundance of love is yours now and always. We blink our eyes and another year is gone. We’re all still here holding on together. I hope and pray all who read your blog today will be inspired to do whatever they can to help. Three years and Ryan is still fighting. You’ve been carrying him on your shoulders for that long, and he is so strong and healthy because of it. God bless you, you are an amazing man. My love & prayers to you and your family always…Paula
Thinking of Ryan and your family this week. It’s hard to believe it’s been three years. My words for Austin Vantrease, Jon May and their band of friends who stood by and watched as Ryan was attacked are unprintable, hopefully they are haunted by their shameful and evil actions until the day they die.
Wise King Solomon advised against singing songs to a heavy heart, so I won’t. Just know that mine is with yours and your family’s. Your love for Ryan overwhelms and inspires us. We will never abandon you. May your love endure forever <3
Ken, No words can be written or said to ease your pain
and even more (don’t know how that’s possible) during these next few days. You and your family are,to say the least,the strongest people I know.And you have every right to be boastful , to cry to scream , to yell ..whatever
And I somehow hope knowing we’re all here for you and Ryan and family always will help that awful day go faster
One day there will a new anniversary when Ryan gets better .Always hope NEVER GIVE UP !!!!!! And do pray for you to feel better too
love gail
Yes, knowing there are people who care makes every day easier to get through. I’m not sure what I’d do without Team Diviney.
So sorry to hear it.
I know you don’t like to complain, but how are your hands and wrists doing?
They ache constantly.
Ken, you and your family have an unbelieveable amount of strength and devotion to each other. I only hope the small amounts we are able to contribute help with the big picture. You and Sue do such an outstanding job helping Ryan to recover. We hope for Ryan’s day to day comfort and his recovery.