What is the strongest human emotion? Many feel it is love, and I respect this opinion. I just don’t believe it to be so. Others think hate or anger. Fear is certainly high on the list. How about greed or jealousy, which is really selfishness?
From my experience, it none of these. It is grief… hands down.
Sure, there are many other emotions — like guilt, regret, lust, happiness, etc. — but I consider grief, love, hate, selfishness, and fear the top five.
Now I know many might contend that love is supreme. I concede that even love, as wonderful as it is, falls below both grief and fear. I admire people who believe love conquers all. I really do. There’s nothing wrong with that. But to feel this way, when experiencing otherwise, would paint me as naïve and falsely optimistic.
Unlike love, grief (and fear, for that matter) can stop a person dead in their tracks. Without warning. Other times the grief is not as dysfunctional, but bubbles just below the surface. It reminds you to put your happiness in perspective. Functional grief (as I’ve heard it called), to me is the unrelenting undercurrent that tugs at the legs even when the water appears calm and peaceful to those on the shoreline. Your feet are eternally searching for solid ground. Sometimes you feel pinned, unable to move, and panic takes hold. Trying to make it back to dry land is impossible. The currents would only sweep you away when the waters of despair are running this high. Hope is the boulder that both anchors and immobilizes.
It’s best to hunker down. Do the best you can. Survive. All the while, foolishly hope that the water recedes even though the rain comes down in sheets.
If you think about it, love is a component of grief. Although some might see it as exactly the opposite, this separates from logic. Without love, grief simply doesn’t exist. Whereas, love could (and usually does) exist without grief…unless you’re married to someone like me, that is (that’s a joke, I hope!). Grief involves more than just love because it is also a deep feeling of loss. The loss of something huge and irreplaceable, like a child, parent, or spouse.
It hurts to the core, both emotionally and physically. It is absolute suffering and helplessness. Unlike anger or hate, there’s no “letting go” or “forgiving”. People who claim time mends a broken heart missed the boat. It’s not true and I will never believe so. All time does is spread out the grief and, perhaps, allow better coping and management of this emotion. It doesn’t lessen it.
I should know. I continue to experience every human emotion today, just as over these past thirty-four months. Often at the same time, and sometimes all pegged at the maximum. It’s like a pressure gauge on the brink of exploding. I grieve, fear, love, and hate to the greatest magnitude. No matter the circumstance, it is grief that always rises to the top. Always.
I’m not even going to talk about the five (or sometimes listed as seven) stages of grief. It’s hogwash. It’s more complicated than this silly list and I’m actually offended that some see it as this simple. Really, where is a comparable and equally widely accepted itemization on the stages of love or hate? Oh, I’m sure someone along the line has tried to do this, but, really? Enough said…
Like brain injury, I consider and self-recognize myself as an expert on emotions. I would be denying myself if I pretended like I didn’t feel the full spectrum each day. I experience true love. True hate and anger. True grief. I’m a jealous bastard, but not of possessions. I’m jealous (and angry) of the relationships others have and wish Ryan had these too.
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Ken, as we have come to know you, I find that you have this unique ability to put into was words, so beautifully and poetically, what we often try miserably to convey. So many of us are only capable of lamely speaking of such things. Yet I find that you have this unique ability to sum up the the true essence of such feelings, so elequently and at the very core of our being. GRIEF…it IS extremely complicated…but somehow you have managed to speak the language of grief, at it’s deepest and most sincere level. I think you have successfully found a way to provoke very poiniant thoughts within each of us. Thank you. God bless Ryan and please know that your precious family is in my thoughts and prayers always. Much love, Peggie
You are absolutely right, Ken, in my opinion! I have experienced all the emotions of which you speak, and I agree with you — grief is the strongest emotion a human can feel. I dare say that any one of us who has suffered the death of a child would agree. But most of us eventually work our way toward healing, whereas your grief is never-ending, beginning from the moment you awake until you close your eyes in sleep. Sometimes your nightmare continues throughout the night; you have shared this with us. Unresolved, or complicated grief is the worst to deal with and sometimes is impossible to come to terms with on our own. There are times when we need help through either working with a psychologist or priest/minister. Ken, the good Lord of All gives us professionals trained in this field, and we should use them in my opinion.
Resentment is another strong human emotion. Confucius said, “Resentment soon kills a man.” I have seen this emotion bring people down. The Bible also warns against continued resentment.
Our prayer is that Ryan is improving just like the IBRF says, and that somehow the hope and prayers of so many caring folks will carry you. Our primary purpose is to support you and your family in whatever ways that we can, whether purchasing medical supplies, raising funds for Ryan’s care, etc. or through our continual prayer and love. We Got This and we are never going away. Always praying here.
I know what you are feeling. Grief with hope is something that is almost impossible to bear. I know what you are saying. Keep the hope close in your heart Ken and you can do this
Spot on Ken, spot on. Grief takes your breath away. Grief knocks you off of your feet. Grief sweeps through you, from the hair follicles on your head to the tip of your toes.
I’m feeling you, and — you are right. The first step to any kind of healing = acknowledging the truth for what it is, and as scary as it is. When our children suffer, we ache, and the ache is rooted in our fear for them, which is born of the deepest love.
I ache … for you and Sue … for Kari …. for all who have had to face the pain of watching their own child suffer…and I hold on, because I have seen how one does that — how you and your family have done it. Holding on, with everything in us. You teach, I learn…we (your readers) learn.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Love, prayers, hope continues
Paula
Ken,
Your post was so gripping and raw. Though I agree love is the driving force for all emotions, and although I continually grieve for my brother and my mom, it is not the same kind of grief as yours….I can’t fathom it, nor can I fathom experiencing it with the intensity you do day in and day out. I can only pray you through it, and love you and your family through it. That is why I’m glad that you have this blog, so that all of us can let you know that you are loved, you are being prayed for, and we would all move heaven and earth to bring Ryan back to you.
Love,
carla
Valid point, but this is not my experience. Your are correct that grief isn’t what drives me every morning. Yes, it is love (and hate, for that matter) that motivates me and has gotten me this far. I apologize if I appeared to somehow tie the emotions to levels of motivation. That was never my intention. I suppose if that were the case then grief and fear would be the weakest, since they are the most debilitating. My position is (in part), grief is the strongest emotion because it involves all the love, plus (or perhaps multiplied or even exponentially raised by) the sadness. I’m okay with our fundamental disagreement and recognize yours as both insightful and beneficial. I appreciate your premise, as I’m certain others do as well. Thank you.
I hear what you’re saying, however, you are wrong and I could clearly see it when reading your post. The strongest human emotion is LOVE!!! 🙂 How do you think you’ve gotten this far? Love is what gets you up every morning and what motivates you to do all you do for Ryan. When weighing both love and grief, especially in your case, it’s clear to all of us that love is your strongest emotion Ken. In the end I’m going to keep saying this for as long as needed but God is the one who gives you strength and has enabled you to do what you’ve done this far. “He is love” and love overpowers “grief”…… Still here, still praying….. ALWAYS!!! 🙂
Even though I don’t think of grief as a primary emotion, I have to agree that it is the most difficult and life-sucking feeling/experience to deal with, especially when there is no end in sight to the unpredictable roller coaster of emotions that come with it. Grief and despair go hand in hand to steal your joy, and the passage of time doesn’t make it easier, but you do have to hold onto some hope to survive, and sometimes that means relying on the hope and faith of others when you’re just not feeling it anymore. You’re absolutely right about grief being a by-product of love. If you didn’t love someone so intensely, you wouldn’t grieve so intensely. We love and grieve with you but can never fully experience the depth of that pain unless we have lost a child they way you have. And yet our faith and hope continue for Ryan. And yes, the power of love is even greater than faith and hope. We will hold onto that promise for you, Ken, always and forever. Much love to you and Sue, Kari and our conquering hero Ryan.
I hope you never arrive at a day where you will acknowledge grief as a primary emotion, but you will almost assuredly recognize it as one if it does. The six common primary emotions we learned in college (I believe a psychologist by the name of Echman classified) is entirely too simplistic. Especially with all the neurological evidence to the contrary as of late.
All I can say is thank you for continuing to share your story. Your writing is so touching and real. You nailed it.
33 mos ago I learned this lesson as well. Love you. And Ry. And Sue. And always Kari.
Ken, Cannot even begin to imagine all the emotions you go through 24/7and that they never go away
My wish is that “Happiness” will be an emotion you will feel with Ryan one day.Till then, my thoughts and prayers are always with you all
Beautifully and honestly written!
Love Gail
Ken, your words are so spot on. I can’t imagine the depths of your grief. My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago with stage 4 Pancreatic cancer and i have been grieving ever since. It hasn’t debilitated me yet as he is still fighting his heart out. But i cry almost everyday as we try to still live our lives knowing what is in store for us in the near future. grief is powerful, it’s overwhelming and it can bring you to your knees.
please take care, i have been following your family’s journey since the beginning and pray for you all everyday. No parent should have to go through what you and Sue are going through.
Yes. I agree about grief. And, when I was caring for Mother–a task that was beyond my physical, emotional and spiritual strength–I WEPT my heart out MORE during that year, than in ALL my previous 60 years put together…
and it HELPED…