It is becoming increasingly more difficult to connect to society. I recognize this is happening, but this has a certain solace that has tempted me into deeper isolation. I’ve already disconnected texting, freezing my personal Facebook page, and posting to this website only occasionally (Read about it in my March 14 post here).
I’ve lost my passion for most things in life. Most might think this is depression, but it’s much more complicated. So much so that I still find it impossible to articulate in words.
I want to break this pattern… at least for today.
Fundraising
- WVU Mountaineer Manics & WVU Wellness 5K. Despite snow coming down sideways in a strong wind, turnout was strong. Even same-day registration, on April 9th, was shockingly higher than I would have expected! The media was there to cover the event. You can view the 2:30 segment here: Ryan Diviney 5K.
- Greg Wells (6th Annual) Golf Tournament. This year’s fundraiser will be held on Friday, May 20 at The Golf Club at Lansdowne. I’m told the event is nearly sold out, but there is still limited space. Teams can register here: Ryan Diviney Golf.
- Ride For Ryan. My college roommate, John Maletta, plans to hold his annual Ride For Ride fundraiser again this summer. Typically this takes place in late-July or early-August. I’ll update everyone as the time approaches.
Pressure Sore
Ryan developed a pressure sore (a.k.a. as bed sore and pressure ulcer) on the sole of his left foot. It happened over a month age when he torqued his foot in his AFO (Ankle-Foot Orthopedics) and spent much of the night without relief. AFOs are basically soft boots that are used to ward off “foot drop” and to keep his heels elevated.
Needless to say, the nurse that was tending to him that night is no longer caring for Ryan… wisely leaving on their own.
This wound — like all pressure sores — was completely avoidable. I’m fuming that it happened! I take great pride in keeping Ryan’s body in pristine condition. Negligence is inexcusable!
An illustration of a pressure sore afflicting Ryan.
With such a deep ulceration, it puts him at significant risk of (septic) infection and healing time takes months and months. Not only these, this has drastically affected his therapy routine… especially cycling.
I finally have the wound scabbed over, although there is a one-inch diameter crater remaining. It continues to demand vigilant monitoring, cleaning, and care.
At least the wound has stopped seeping and the distinct smell of infection is gone. As for his therapy, I’d say he has resumed 75% of his regiment.
Disabled Van
The sight I saw out the cabin’s window.
In January, Ryan’s disabled van was seriously damaged when a car port collapsed on it under the weight of snow. Fast forward three months… it’s still in the shop… parked exactly where I left it!
I can’t get the shop to give me a firm date when it will be finished. Like a broken record, they keep telling me “it will be at least two weeks”. I figured I’d reach out to the van’s insurer to help move this along before filing a lawsuit against the shop.
Now I’m going to likely name the insurer in the lawsuit too. Allow me to explain.
In desperation, I called State Farm (insurer) to help me. After all, they told me to take it to this “authorized” shop since this is where can assure repair quality and a guaranteed delivery date; anywhere else would be at my peril. That was a flat-out lie.
In spite of their assurance failing, they were of no help to remedy it. Zero! Am I wrong to feel that State Farm is culpable for not holding their partner (i.e., the repair shop) to their end of the agreement on maximum repair time (60 days maximum)?
Hell, they still won’t even provide a loaner, which I feel is the least they can do.
Needless to say, I’ll be finding another insurer the day the van is finished. They lost my lifelong business (where I have multiple policies with them, to include Ryan’s van). I’m sure they don’t give a damn about losing me — just one customer — but it’ll cost them more than they probably will imagine.
State Farm completely whiffed on their minimum assurances, which is completely unacceptable. Worse yet, they didn’t have my (son’s) back… and this is unforgivable.
We used State Farm for years. I don’t know what has happened, but they are terrible now. I hope they come through for you.
Thinking of you today.
I’ve had trouble with State Farm’s centralized unit, but a call to my agent here in Morgantown sets it all to rights. Have you contacted your local agent?
I got rid of State Farm for their poor customer service after a girl hit my car so hard her little sedan broke the axle of my SUV and pushed it sideways about six inches. Thankfully no one was hurt. I hope Ryan’s foot heals quickly too.
As the mom of a 27 year old TBI survivor (9+ years), I have walked in your shoes. Chances are that I have felt every emotion that you have felt. I am blessed to have wonderful aides and ILSTs to help care for my son, and give me the respite time that I need in order to keep my sanity.
Although my son has had many setbacks in his recovery, and still needs 24/7 care, I am finally able to have a social life, and even travel. I understand how frustrating it can be to deal with everything from insurance company screw ups to well-meaning acquaintances who just “don’t get it”. Please feel free to contact me by email, text or phone.
Davilyn100@gmail.com
860-452-2676
Phone# correction 860-462-2676
We, Stew and I are with you all the way! You are a smart man, and we know that you know what you are doing.
Only one question, and that is, have you contacted the Insurance Commission of Virginia? They work for us, the taxpayer.
Much love to all and hope to see you soon!! Got it? SOON! Miss you darlings!
I have a claim pending with the State’s Bureau of Insurance.
Damn State Farm. I’m disgusted with their treatment of you!!! I wish you would tell us the name of the shop because I have something to say to them too.
Are you getting the help that YOU need? You’re describing severe depression. You need comfort and strength too. It’s not a weakness to ask for help… we all need it!
I may be better able to empathize with your retreat from life as a result of this recap and update of events. What’s the point of letting anyone in? Especially when basic needs for Ryan can’t or won’t be met by anyone but you: unnecessary complications to Ryan’s health due to negligence on the part of nursing assistance and companies renege on contractual agreements and create undo stress on top of an already massive amount. Isolation seems to be validated time and again. However, you also took time to focus on some really positive things that have happened and will be happening for Ryan. May events continue and you make time to participate in them.
I hope you’ll one day be able to untangle the complications and move beyond this extreme isolation. May you be able to articulate your inner feelings; but only for yourself, not us. Or maybe you never will, and that’s okay. You do what you must in order to carry on. While social media serves a specific purpose and allows you to have interactions that (somewhat) stimulate you, it doesn’t seem to be enough. In my humble opinion, what you really need is human contact. Comfort. A shoulder to cry on. A giving hand to embrace. Eyes filled with compassion, love, and hope. A voice with which to share laughter. A quick mind to share your witty repartee. A good friend. You deserve one. Someday (soon), I hope you find and embrace your life’s passions again.
You remind me of Jason from Greek mythology. With indomitable spirit you face and overcome the insurmountable challenges while seeking your Golden Fleece…Ryan made whole.
Keep going.
Ken .Love you and family and Ryan is the best of the best So sorry about his heal ,no reason for that Nurse should have done something Gkad a few fundraisers will be happening for Ryan. As far as State Farm ,they’re off my list forever No excuse to take this long to fix van. You’re been doing so amazing Ken and all the people who love the Divineys at here for you PLEASE. Don’t isolate you and Ryan ,A. Long weekend or so at cabin if it really helps is good. Now and then But only YOU know how you feels Always with you and family God bless and protect you all. SHSP NGA NEGU. Love Gail
https://www.facebook.com/TrippHalsteadUpdates/
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I check in frequently, and I hope it brings some sort of comfort in your hardest times knowing how many people (and there are many) care. From family to strangers you give hope, strength, love and courage to people from all wakes of life and their own personal struggles. That is a true blessing in itself. Best wishes to you and yours. ❤❤❤
So get the ulcer I can say in seven years my nic had one and it was from his initial,stay in the hospital. So I totally get you infuriation from him getting one but I also know you got this and put some raw honey on that bad boy. Big hugs hang in there
I own a towing company, therefore, I work with insurance companies everyday. I will say, without saying, that there are certain ones that are terrible to work with. What I don’t understand, is why they aren’t providing you with a rental car. I promise, if it was costing them money for your vehicle to sit there, they would be on the shop every minute.
The next time that you call for a date that the repairs will be finished, tape the conversation or better yet, ask by email. And then send one back giving them two weeks, but be sure an include the statement “time is of the essence”. I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY, but in working with contractors, my attorney has told me that if you put that statement in the contract, they are held to a much higher standard of time.
I would also ask State Farm for a copy of your policy where is states that rental insurance is not included. It just doesn’t sound right.
On one last point. My husband passed away of cancer 14 months ago. About 4 months before he came up with ONE pressure sore, about the size of a thumb nail. HIs nurse said that it will get bigger and bigger and he will probably get many more. I did ALOT of hours of research and purchased a wound cream from amazon. It not only cleared it up, he never got another one. The cancer center is now recommending it to all of their patients. If you would like the name, just message me.
Good luck, we are thinking of you all
I appreciate your guidance and have done all of what you said, except stipulating that time is of the essence. I’ll follow through on that today. Beyond that, I have a complaint pending with the State Bureau of Insurance which is necessary to do before taking legal action.
Think I would try the wound care cream, Ken.
Heartbreaking Ken! If
Dear Lord I lift up to you this family I have no level of me that can comprehend what they have been going through and continue to go through and I know Lord God Almighty that they are in your hands I am at a loss for words and know that at times like these the Holy Spirit intercedes for me so Lord I lift this family up to you and I pray your peace and your love and your hope to wrap around them give them that peace all understanding, I pray in Jesus name Amen.
#statefarm responded to my tweet…
Praying for Ryan’s continued healing, for the repair and return of his van, for you and Sue and Kari, Ken. Every day, and always. And I’m so sorry for all of these nasty complications you and Sue have to deal with on top of everything else. We love you guys.
So sad for your entire family. I am sure Kari and Sue are missing their men. Take care and I will be praying for you all. Always thinking of you.
Ken, I’m so sorry …I pray for you and your family daily …we are all here when you need to vent anytime you need us. Please don’t isolate yourself from those who love and care about your family.
What can we do to help?
Ken, I’m so sorry …I pray for you and your family daily …we are all here when you need to vent anytime you need us. Please don’t isolate yourself from those who love and care about your family.
What can we do to help?
As a 24/7 TBI caregiver and mom I can understand. But as I have said before the difference is my son has made progress. But Ken TBI is for a life time and I deal with issues everyday related to Coreys TBI. As they progress along with it comes more and more challenges as they are more aware of their surroundings. They are able to express verbal as well as behavioral so it becomes more and more to deal with. I know you would love to have this to deal within because it would mean Ryan was progressing. You are needed by your daughter and wife. You are someone I as many have always looked up to. You are amazing. You have me very worried about how down you are and how long you have been. Ryan needs you but you we needed by others as well. Try to make steps forward baby steps and work your way back. We know what giant steps you are capable of making. All you need right now are baby steps. Please maybe a support group? Someone who is going through what you have. No matter what you are a hero.
We’ve only met once but I’m so sad to read this – I feel helpless – not knowing if any words or thoughts sent your way will help anything – but I sincerely hope that peace of mind finds its way to you somehow – someway
Team Never Quit – I just stole that from Marcus Luttrell, a Navy Seal. But, It fits YOU and RYAN. Just do what you do, but try to rest – yes, it sucks when that voice in your head just won’t shut up already – Ken, one breath to the next, that is ALL you have to do. Just focus on that one breath, as you go about your day………love and prayers daily still and always, for you and Ryan and family. SHSP NGA TEAM NEVER QUIT. YES, YES, YES, BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE…….xoxoxo Annie
I am sitting here at my desk with tears in my eyes. I, along with you and everyone else hate this but understand how you feel. Retreating is a good idea so you can relax some. Nobody really understands a traumatic experience until they themselves go through one too. We all have a point to where the burden is just too heavy after so long but what makes it worse is when your exhausted and can’t seem to catch a break. Ryan’s picture is beside me at work and is always in my prayers but so are you!!!!!! You’re not alone and even when “today” gets screwed up, there’s always another day. All we can do is hang in there and breathe!!!!! Your loved Ken, not just by all of your supporters but by Him. Don’t give up! I’m not!
Mr Ken, you are right on with all of your feelings. Your whole family has been tested to the limit, but you hang right in there. Having a 25 yr old grandson with a TBI, I can relate to how much of yourself is given 24hrs a day with you being Ryan’s primary care giver. My daughter Melissa is the one in your shoes, for her son Brett. So much care , just to get through an ordinary day….not to mention all the extras….fighting with State Farm over Ryan’s van….seeing to all the paper work that needs to be filled out, sent in…..doctors appt., wound care, therapy….and the list goes on, doesn’t it ? I’ve thought about you and Ryan (prayed for your family) a lot since you made the decision to go to your family retreat and take the break from people and FB. Hope you’re finding the peace you’re looking for, but please don’t shut out all that care about you and Ryan and the family. I’ve said many times that I’m always praying for that “miracle” for Ryan’s healing…and you said you would give it all just for him to be able to speak “I love you, dad”…..it would be great to hear those words….but as you are with him day to day, looking into his eyes, you surely see that love coming right back at you. My grandson doesn’t say words either, but we know that he knows he’s loved , and that’s as good as its gonna be for now. Yes, TBI’s are so slow to heal, and some may never heal, BUT just because they can’t speak to us doesn’t mean they aren’t “in there”. Keep that faith (the faith, you think you’ve lost), because it’s all we have. And I’m sure there isn’t some place in your day, that you don’t pray for a change to happen in his healing. Stay strong, as you have always been, and know that the ones who caused this to happen to Ryan, haven’t met their match yet !! Oh what a day that will be !! Praying for all of you. You might have relocated, but our prayers will find you…where ever you may be.
<3
Sue State Farm for “Bad Faith”
Shame, shame on #StateFarm❗Continued prayers for Ryan & family.
My heart goes out to you ken…your all in my daily prayers…please don’t withdrawal completely …..I think you know that’s not what’s best for you or Ryan ….I do however understand what your feeling to some small extent… I could never imagine your pain though… Just know we are all here for your support when you need us… We’re not going anywhere!
To bad their isn’t a top quality skilled nursing home that you can place Ryan. I think it would help with your fears and the darkness you feel. It won’t help Ryan if you withdraw to the point that his care is in jeopardy.
I can’t even imagine what all of you are going through. I can only offer my prayers and love. My heart hurts for you!
I hope Ryan’s foot heals soon. We all miss seeing you around town. I hope you will take care of yourself. I miss your dry sense of humor and unique way of looking at situations. I will never know exactly what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. I hope writing about it helps. Take care, Ken!
Jill
I had a similar situation with GEICO and had to sue them as they broke their contract with me and refused to pay me for the coverage I paid for!!! My lawyer said State Farm was just as awful to deal with. I switched the day after the lawsuit was settled (3 yrs!!!) and we have been very happy with Erie so far… Z’s car was hit and run and their service was impeccable and fast. We were allowed to use whichever repair shop we wanted. Hugs to you Ken.
Have you considered respite care for your son so he can have a reprieve every now and then? Self- care is very important when helping others. I pray that you reignite your self so you can continue caring for your son. You have taken on an incredible task. Many prayers for you all!
My heart brakes for you and your family. There are no words for the run around you are getting. I can understand yo <r feelings of escape from all social media. I am going through devastating circumstances and I am to the point that all I want to do is crawl in a cave and hide.
I will continue to lift your precious family up in prayer. I just wonder why some people get dealt such unbelievable crap with no forcible end in sight. Ryan will never be forgotten. Love and pravers.
As I read your article, I can feel the darkness you feel. But ,I do also see some relief for you soon. It’s hard in this situation to not lose yourself. Shoot sometimes you have to loose yourself in order to regain your strength! Your daughter and your wife don’t want to lose you ! Your daughter is a spit image of you ! She needs you as you need her. It’s hard to physically and mentally care for yourself when you care for someone 24 hours a day! That I can relate to! But I also have needs and wants . Set set them aside for years and years. After, when my son didn’t need me to care for him anymore I was lost. I didn’t know who I was, where I belong. It took my husband and my daughter along with a few good friends to pull me out and help me find my way!! I still feel empty but I am satisfied. I am still trying to find things to fill those holes. It’s been 5years. All I can give for advice is. Take one day at a time. Set small goals and don’t make new ones til u finished those ones. Your an amazing person and thank you for keeping us updated. I always look forward to your updates.
Extremely Painful!
I hear your frustration. But I also do feel that you need a platform on which to vent. Hoping Ryan’s foot heals soon. Is there any local attorney that might be willing to help you with insurance company and van? I would be happy to help with a contribution if you start a “Go Fund Me” page for a new van.
I kind of understand what you are saying. But, you NEED people. You NEED human interaction. I know you have your son. But for your own health and to be able to take care of him. You need to be connected. I pray for you all daily. My heart breaks for you.
I’ve been missing y’all for a long while now 🙁