It’s weird which reader comments affect me. It’s probably not the ones you think might either.
Comments from “haters” really don’t touch me. They roll off my back. Actually, these benefit this website by getting everyone riled up. Readership explodes. You need look no further than the “Most Commented” articles (ranked in the right sidebar) to see this. Hell, the number one, Austin Vantrease Father: Wrong Place, Wrong Time” has held this position since July 2013; some 20 months running now. Two other articles in the top ten sparked similar outrage: Just Let God Have Him (and Other Stupidity) and Austin Vantrease Siblings Speak Out.
Rightfully so, I might add.
The one that bothered me the most was surely overlooked by everyone because it was innocent enough. I can’t recall who said it and I have no inclination to dig back through to find out. I do know it was a person who is a HUGE supporter of Ryan. Maybe that’s why it hit so hard. Other than this, the only other thing I know is it was in response to a post that had everything to do with my anguish.
The comment that was posted back in 2013 simply said, and I paraphrase, “How is Ryan doing lately?”. That’s all it said, and nothing else.
It hurt me.
In thought, Ken is sweating and tired from working with Ryan.
Here’s why. I opened myself up. I laid my emotions and physical pain out for all to see. Somehow, that innocent and caring comment, simply asking how my son is doing, made me feel guilty about talking of myself. I know this individual didn’t mean for it to get to me. In fact, I take complete responsibility for internalizing it like I did. Please, no one should believe this person is insensitive. This clearly was not the intent. On the contrary.
Since that time I’ve had a hard time writing about my hurt. It was my daughter’s last post, How Can Austin Vantrease Smile, that broke me from this guilt; well, a least a bit of it. Yes indeed, how can he smile when he has harmed so many? How can he smile when he cause endless pain and sadness on others? How can he look himself in the mirror? How can he justify his life and ongoing existence?
Monster!
So, today I will because it is important for people to know how being a full-time caregiver rips our minds and bodies apart… relentlessly.
My body, literally from head-to-toe, hurts. Where it doesn’t hurt, it aches. What’s left has nerves that have deadened. My back is shot to hell-and-back. My hands, wrist, elbows, and shoulders never stop screaming in pain. Knees? Gone. Damn, pick any joint or muscle and I’ll tell you of my woes. Caring for someone who is incapacitated wreaks havoc. I have zero doubt that it’s caused irreversible damage; structurally and systemically.
Restful and prolonged sleep? Forget about it. I could give a clinic on the differences between being tired, fatigued, and exhausted. Did you know these can, and often do, co-exist for caregivers? The sad news is, it just keeps getting worse with time. The physical pain snaps sleep. The emotional pain causes dreams and nightmares that force sleep away in lieu of disappointment (that it was all just a dream), fear, or sadness.
It’s not all that rare to awake crying.
Emotionally, it’s pure torment. Not a single facet of life is left untouched. It’s constant worry about Ryan, the welfare of the family, finances, and it never ends. I guess, in many ways, it’s about the future… and making through the day.
Need I say more?
We all Love you & are with you.
Just my daily check-in. Always thinking of you. I bet that puppy that came aboard on Christmas is loving life at the Diviney home!
Ken, we are praying for Ryan and your family. I ask God to help Ryan improve, and to help you with taking care of him. Ryan is blessed to have you as his father for all the hard work you provide. It’s clear your drive is from your love for your son. You are a wonderful father.
I do not know you or your family but I have been praying for you. It takes a strong person/family to be caregivers to someone incapacitated. I will continue to pray for your family’s strength to continue taking care of Ryan.
Ken, you and your family are outstanding xx your spirit, strength and love have touched me, and so many others beyond words xx my love and best wishes to all of you always xxx
You and your family are simply amazing. My best to all of you.
Hugs and strength for each day and min!!! You are amazing to your son and thank you for sharing Ryan with us!!
I am so glad you put this out here….it’s good to get things off your chest. I was wondering why you don’t update as often as you used to. Like everyone else that loves Ryan like I do, we also love you and your family. Hearing your feelings and your truth are what keeps this tragedy so real and in the front of our minds. Every post you make is part of keeping Ryan relivent. We are Team Diviney!
I’m so sorry for all of the pain you go through each day. I can only hope and pray for you, Ryan and your family. I have 3 children and I just don’t know what I would do if this were to happen to one of my children. I guess I would would exactly what you are doing. Care for them in the best way possible. God bless you and your family.
I agree with the person who said it would be great if a chiropractor, therapist or massage therapist would donate time to help the full time caregivers like you. I’m praying for Ryan and your whole family.
Dear Ken please do not let this awful person destroy you too! I pray for strength of mind and body for you and your family. I hurt for you everytime I read one of your posts.Can you get some nursing care to at least help with the physical part of Ryan’s care. Have you spoken to a doctor , you sound depressed and who wouldn’t be. Please don’t let this destroy you and your family. Love and hugs!!!!
Stay strong….you don’t me…but Ryan touches my heart…because Im a mother…you’re doing a wonderful job….
I pray that within the world you now live in, there are great friends helping; giving you breaks to catch your breath. Your son is beautiful, and your devotion to his well-being is humbling; so very humbling. Thank you for sharing your honesty on your son’s website. It’s proof that there are silent heroes, fighting for life and justice in an often cruel world.
Ken, You and your entire family are absolutely amazing!! All parents should show the love, care and devotion you do. You are ALL so lucky to have each other. Prayers and blessings.
You are such an incredible writer. Very heartfelt and inspirational. My heart aches for you and your family. No one can truly know another’s pain, but I have a much better idea from reading your blogs. Prayers to you all.
Ken, I hope and pray you will always tell us how you feel. That’s why we’re here, to listen, support, encourage and love you and your family. I,too, allow certain comments to get to me, even when I’m pretty sure the comment wasn’t intended to be hurtful. Being the keen and insightful man you are, you recognized it as being something that wasn’t meant to hurt –but it did — because you’re physically and emotionally exhausted.
The truth is, today Ryan is doing well because of all that you have done. You have given your son the gift of time, intellect, energy, strength and most of all love. Everything you have done for Ryan has paid off in spades, but the toll on you has been very heavy. For this my heart breaks. It hurts even more though to know you were hurt in your feelings. Always know that we’re here to uplift and uphold you, Ken! You know by now we’re all different and bring the best of what we’re able to offer. For me, most of the time what I bring feels terribly inadequate, especially knowing the depth of your suffering. Sometimes I re-think some of the things I’ve written and thought, “oh no, I hope Ken knew what I meant!” Most assuredly, not a soul on Team Diviney would ever seek to deliberately add to your pain. Not ever.
Here’s several big hugs for you, may you always know how deeply you are cared about, how much you and your family mean to all of us, how often you are thought about, prayed for and loved. Thank you for sharing your thoughts ad feelings, good, bad or otherwise — this is why we come here and I think I can speak for all of Team Diviney when I say your posts always have an impact on us and leave us thinking a little more deeply about life and all that it means.
Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs & more hugs
Paula
John’s comment says it all. Our family loves your family.❤️❤️❤️
You and your family need to get some help. Soon you will be no good for Ryan at all. Start with The Brain Injury Association of Virginia on the web http://www.BIAV.net. They can at least direct you to resources in your area. Although it is like looking for a needle in a haystack, finding a caregiver you trust with your boy, we aren’t getting any younger and the longer you try to do it all the sooner you won’t be able to do anything. People will say dumb things, even people who should know better, let it go and keep searching. I had a survivor’s spouse tell me we would have been better if our son had died then to have suffer a TBI. (I tell you to let it go but obviously 7 years later and I have held on to it.) Think outside the box, we have gone to colleges and recruited PT Students. Friends, or friends of friends have worked out best for us. Michigan has Community Mental Health, they have been huge help in providing assistance. Virginia has to have something similar. You are an amazing Dad but the truth is you can’t keep this up.
We are sending you some tough love. Ryan needs you for a really long time, you have to start taking care of yourself. Love and prayers from Muskegon, Michigan to Ryan and the whole family.
Search “Andrew’s Journey from April” on http://www.Youtube.com to see we know of what we speak.
Always praying
Ken,
Please don’t ever feel that sharing YOUR emotions, frustrations, physical pains, exhaustion, fear, joy, hope, dreams, etc are ever seen as selfishness or anything negative!!
Those scumbag wastes of oxygen and sperm did not just attack Ryan that night. Yes, he was the first physical manifestation of their cowardly, evil actions…… But that attack was the shoving of the first domino that, in varying ways, assaulted each and every member of the Diviney clan. The assault was on each of you and on every single person who was written to have been in Ryan’s life before those asshats violently changed that storyline.
And the masses who gather to love and support your family are here to love and pray each of you through every ache, every tear, every ounce of exhaustion……and in turn we are blessed to be allowed to love all of you and to learn what true parental sacrifice and unending love really is!
“We Got This” does not include just your household….it is our vow, those you’ve selflessly shared your precious son with….You will never face this battle alone!
I admire your family. I read every blog with hope. I pray often for him and hope one day he finds his way back. You are an amazing family God bless you.
How we wish we could help carry your enormous burdens and ease your pain. We are here for you and your family and praying for Ryan’s healing always. We pray for your continued strength and perseverance as well, but I know those just seem like empty words to you when you are beyond the point of exhaustion.. Know that your herculean efforts are not in vain and that you Divineys are loved and cared for by so many.
Team Diviney will get stronger and stronger, our job is to pick each other up, have each others backs, and be there for Ken and Sue. We will.
Praying for Ryan and his family!!!
Ken,
Thinking and praying for you .YOU and YOUR family are amazing.My heart breaks for the physical and emotional pain you all suffer. .Ryan is getting the best care,and we’re here for you too Ken,The Divineys will always be relevant. Sending much love
Praying for Ryan daily as well as your family <3 <3 <3 <3
SHSP NGA
No parent should be FORCED to feel the raw, emotional, physical, gut-wrenching pain you feel every minute of every day. THIS was preventable…..that’s what gets to me – and I’m sure to all who follow Ryan’s story. Some things (like certain illnesses) aren’t preventable and people are thrust into these types of situations as well. That fact is not lost on me. But the sheer fact that another human being (several of them!!!) caused this —- well, that makes this even more tragic.
Still here, still praying, not going anywhere.
Love to you.
As a Mom and someone who cares about you, I wish that I could fix it all. Many of your posts make this even more poignant. Ken, you are and always will be one of my heroes. I continue to pray for you and Ryan and your family every single day. I know that so many have stepped up to care for Ryan with true compassion from the medical field. I pray that there is a chiropractor, physical therapist, or counselor that would read this, be moved to help, and reach out to help care for you. We love you. We are here to help.
Wish we all could re-write these last few years of our lives. When “they” say , everything happens for a reason, it leaves me saying “Lord, what could be the reason for what has happened to RYAN and the impact it’s had on Ryans family”. So many questions will stay unanswered. We just have to keep the faith that miracles do happen, and we’re certainly praying for Ryans recovery . Also praying for his family to endure all of the emotional and physical problems that they go through on a daily basis. You are doing a wonderful job . Was wondering about the changes you all noticed in Ryans eyes. Does that mean something significant or what do his doctors think ? Anyway it is encouraging to hear of ANY changes in that direction. Prayers for all !
I don’t know how you do it. I admire you and your entire family for all the continued love and support you give to Ryan day in and day out. Continued prayers for Ryan and your family to endure this nightmare that monster put your family in. You are all selfless and wonderful people!!
Always praying for you and your family!
Love and Prayers❤️
I hope it is good therapy for you to honestly write what your emotions and struggles are because I think it is good for us to read what truly goes on in these situations. Not trying to be upbeat and acting like everything is rosy is the reality of caregiving – a nonstop, 24/7 365 days/year agonizing job. The physical pain in itself is excruciating but the mental toll it takes is unimaginable. Yet you do everything you can do for the person you love, all the while wishing it was different, wishing for what used to be.
You don’t have to look back to find it, it was me. And I’m sitting here now feeling guilty for asking about Ryan because I would have never intended that question to take anything from you as his parent. I have shared with you many times how remarkable I think your family is. My question was really because it had been awhile since we heard of anything having to do with Ryan and sometimes I miss that update – it may have been before a parole hearing, or something else that gets your attention, but I know that everything you write is truthful, honest and raw. Sometimes hard to read and never without tears. I just think of Ryan all the time and I’m sorry I made you feel this way. I truly respect what you are going through every day and I’m in awe of what you do for your son. I would never take that from you. I’m so sorry that this kind question has weighed on you in such a way that was never intended. I truly am sorry for ALL of your pain both emotional and physical. It’s hard to explain how much I love your family and we’ve never met, but I will continue to wonder ” How is Ryan” and that’s only asked out of love!
See! I knew it was someone who has treated Ryan and my family so well. Like I said, I take responsibility for taking it the wrong way and then not letting it go.
So your not wondering, I masked your name because I know that was not your intent. No need to feel badly for wanting to know how Ryan is doing!
May God give you the strength in both body and soul you need to care for your beautiful son. Please take relief in the fact that your son is comforted each and every day knowing that his beloved father is there by his side. I know that there are times that you are just physically and emotionally exhausted just know that it is in those times that God is by your side giving you the strength you need to carry on.
I pray for your whole family. I pray that God’s healing hands will heal Ryan and your family.
God bless
Please keep up the fight. God bless your family today!
I, like so many others, still read everything you write and mourn for you and your family. Sometimes I wonder if I should even comment because words don’t help, they don’t change your reality and they sound so empty and meaningless. Then I realize that just being present and letting you know that you all still matter so much, that your sacrifice and love for Ryan means so damn much, well….maybe that’s important to let you know. Sending you love and prayers.
Ken, I don’t even know how to start this comment but here goes…Every time i read a comment that you have written about Ryan i think to myself, what about you and your wife and daughter. Your life as you knew it ended the day you got that horrible call and you have fought so hard for your son that there is no way to say this except say it “after all these years how do you go on”? Well I know it is for your son and the hope that some day a miracle drug will come along and make him all better and until that day you will keep getting up every day and do all you have to do with Ryan ie: therapy and everything else.You know Mr Ken alot of parents would have kept their son for a while and then more than likely put him in a home but not you, and i really think that Ryan knows all that you are sacrificing for him so please keep doing what you are doing and we will keep praying that Ryan will get better. I know first hand what dealing with an adult who is in a wheelchair can do to the body and soul but at least my son can talk and say thanks and his disability was from birth and not at the hands of two COWARDS who should still be rotting in jail. So please know that i know all you sacrifice everyday for your son, from sunup to sundown even when your body is screaming for just one more minute to lay here and relax but you get up and YOU keep on going for your great son. Just know that all of us who follow your story and life of Ryan are all pulling for you and him and we do love you all with all of our heart and soul to the moon and back.
Rita
from Clayton Georgia
So right …I get up slow each morning after 9 years of taking care of my son. My body aches in places I didn’t know I have. My son is 250 pounds and 6’3″ and I’m 5′ and 120 pounds. I’ve put on weight, was 82 pounds when we were going through hospital stays. I go through emotional times but I’m so busy with Corey, other TBI survivors and their families, and getting young ones out of nursing homes I just don’t have time to be depressed or get down for very long. My job is 24/7 365 days a year with no help. Just ME!!! But I don’t have the horrible knowledge that someone did this to my son. I just can’t imagine that on top of being a caregiver for my son. His life is forever changed…he will never get to work at the Library of Congress like he was headed to do, he will never have a child, ( he told me he wished he had a son), he will never have memories because he has retro amnesia, he won’t remember if someone comes to see him as he has post traumatic amnesia. He will NEVER have memories is the hardest. So whe I think of what I am going through I stop ….and realize I have given up nothing compared to what my son has given up everyday. You Ken are a hero, but even heros’ have bad days, and you never have to feel like you have to be strong everyday. You are amazing. You don’t have to be what everyone else expect. You do such a good job that sometimes others don’t realize what a toll it takes on you. Keep on Keeping On
As parents we are supposed to love our children unconditionally……in Ryan’s case it also means unselfishly, selflessly, tirelessly, relentlessly….not all parents are truly equipped to do that. You and Ryan have a bond that goes far beyond what most have with their children. I pray one day he will be able look at you and tell you how much what you’ve sacrificed has meant to him and how much he loves you.
Hugs
Raw and Un cut ….. breaks my heart
Ken, Tell the world every day what Austin Vantrease and Jon May did to your entire family….even if its just ….to exhausted today for a post…..emotionally drained….F…this day….bring it on…don’t let them have a day of rests from your posts and the possibility of one more person learning about Ryan. The potential of one more person helping Ryan, The potential of the criminals and their families who have let them run from their financial responsibility having an inkling of a guilty feeling….let them have the feeling of …will this ever end…..NO IT WILL NOT! They brought it on themselves…..sock it to them! Why should they have all the smiles? We not only look for a post about how Ryan is doing but we are checking on you, Sue, Kari, the dogs, and the extended family.
When you don’t post for a while we all get compliant and forget what your life is really like. The aches, pains, tears and sleepless nights. We keep checking back for something. But with a few posts of…sleepless night..or….another sleepless night..or…my body aches…cried all day….others will really get the point of your life. They won’t think you are living life as usual. They will see life as you are really living. Bring it on raw and real!
We pray for him everyday! Along with your family.
was just thinking about ya’ll, glad you wrote, sad for your pains, hug Ryan for me, thinking and praying for ya’ll always
Can relate is so many ways. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Ken, you are such a strong and amazing father! I know that no one knows the stress all of this has on your mind and your body. No one can really even begin to imagine the depths it goes to. It’s unfathomable. Reading this made me cry. Kari was right in wanting to know how can Austin smile. He has caused so much pain for Ryan, yourself, Sue, Kari, the rest of your family as well as all of friends and people who follow Ryan and your family. It tears me up inside that there isn’t more we can do for you all. It breaks my heart that both Austin and Jonathon are already “free”, while Ryan is still trapped and hurting. If I were to ever see either one of them in person, I honestly don’t know if I could contain my hatred for them. I know hate is a strong word, but sometimes, exceptions need to be made. I know that you’ve stated before that sometimes you’re not sure how to keep your faith. I can tell you this, when you’re in doubt, just remember that you will ALWAYS have Team Diviney. When you’re faith is low, Team Diviney will bring the faith in abundant amounts. I can’t speak for all of Team Diviney, but for myself, I consider you all family. I love you guys and want nothing more than the best for all of you. I know it’s hard, but please stay positive. Sending many prayers and tons of love your way! <3
::hugs:: and continued prayers
Bless Ryan everyday.
No one really knows the hurt and pain until you’ve been through it Ken. It’s a helpless feeling that tears your heart out every minute of the day. Ryan knows you’ll never give up on him. You’re the best Father to Ryan and he knows it. Hugs and much love to Ryan, you and your family.
I love you, buddy.