This past weekend I went to visit my daughter, Kari, at her college home. It struck me that this is the last time I will do this. She graduates in May.
It’s bitter-sweet.
I don’t know how many times I found myself playing out how this should have happened with Ryan. I was able to clearly envision him in his cap and gown. All done up in the West Virginia University colors. I could see him accepting his diploma; probably with honors. Hell, I could even see us at dinner afterwards to celebrate. I’m sure I had a smile on my face as I fabricated the impossible.
It’s not going to happen. That’s reality.
Oh, what an awful, heartbreaking feeling to return home and see him. After a weekend of watching young men and women filled with the hopes of a future, it hurt like hell. To see my son’s brilliant mind robbed of potential is really too much to bear. It was made worse when I walked past his plaque from the University. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I just stood there reading it over-and-over again.
Ryan makes the President’s List, achieving a perfect 4.0 GPA.
This achievement means nothing now. Well, nothing that practically matters. Neither does his “Dean’s List” one from another semester. They are just parchment paper, framed to stress their importance, hanging on the wall. Now simply formal reminders of what was lost stolen from him.
Then, to look at my daughter’s achievements, is just flat-out scary. It transcends the pride. What if her Dean’s List, and Academic Honor Society, and other scholastic awards become irrelevant in the scheme of things? I dare not think about this too long.
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Hi Ken, it’s completely unfair– it’s heartbreaking, frustrating, angering….and more. The struggle is how to not let it eat you alive.
And I know what your answer is – you will continue to care for Ryan with everything in you because of your steadfast love for him. That’s the a beautiful thing that stands strong amidst this destruction wrought by heartless people.
It’s not only beautiful — it’s powerful, passionate, unyielding — and a breathtaking example of what is good in this life. What is good is celebrated for being good. What is done with bad intent is left to ooze into the sewers of the universe unless an effort is made for genuine redemption.
Ryan’s presence here is something good to hold onto. He’s the bright light filtering through the rain clouds and giving us hope. He is a young man after God’s own heart. I love him; we all do. We love you and your family, too. More goodness to grab onto in this hurricane of sorrow. Take the lifelines God has sent and wrap them around you every day. All of us must hold on and never let go; this way we can stay above the dark waters that seek to pull us down. We can stay Diviney strong.
Sending you love, thoughts of springtime, strength and faith … in God, in Ryan, in you and your family and in all things good.
Hugs, Paula
Feeling your hurt, praying for your Family always <3 <3
God bless the Diviney family!
Ken, Sue, Ryan and Kari~
I thought of you today, as I do almost every single day. The weather was gorgeous and I thought finally Ryan might be able to go outside and enjoy it. I thought what PK Miller wrote was very insightful. We never know what life is going to bring us. Tragedy and miracles happen every day. One thing I know for sure is that Ryan and Kari have and will continue to be huge sources of pride for your family. His award for Academic Excellence can never be taken away. He earned it.
I too congratulate Kari on her exceptional accomplishments in school. They are even more notable, based on what your family has endured the last 4+ years. I am not giving up on Ryan and his ability to heal. Please do not ever forget how many people hold your family close to their heart. Much love to all of you~ Jen
Congratulations to you and Sue on Kari’s upcoming graduation.
I’m sorry, I wish there was a way to ease the pain that your family endures. My heart hurts for you all.
So very sad for you and your family! I pray that God gives you strength.
<3 My heart hurts for all of you. But it will never stop me from hoping and praying and believing.
Bless You Diviney Family.
May your family find the peace it deserves. We are heartbroken for you. How empty our word must seem against a pain so deep. Still, we carry on any way we can. Any way we can.
Peace.
All the words have been shared over these past 3+ years…I keep you in my prayers and my heart every day….for healing….with tears. Ryan belongs to all of us, you get to do the work each day, but our prayers, I hope, are holding you up for renewed energy each new day to help your/our beloved Ryan. Love for you all, Annie P.S.If tears could heal Ryan, why, he would have been president of the US by now.
You’ve got two wonderful children Ken, each shining ,and making you proud in their own way. Bless you all <3 So, so sorry for your pain
I think yon should put these blogs in a book – very profound thoughts that can help many others with all types o struggles.
I can’t imagine your pain. As always I think of your family and pray for you all often. I’m so sorry.
Ken, my brother, please be at peace. None of us knows what will happen. It is an easy trap to fall into, the “What ifs.” we have to live with the hand that life deals us. It reminds me of a story circulated long before the internet existed, the mom of a special needs child who had planned on a trip to Paris–metaphorically speaking–but had to face the realities of a severely disabled child. She was going to Buffalo, perhaps, not Paris. We do not know what hand life will deal us, if you’ll forgive a hoary cliché.
None of us can imagine your pain. Your bright, capable son taken away from you by a couple of cowardly thugs. That’s as old as human history–think Cain & Abel, whatever may have actually happened. We live in a crazy, mixed up violent world. Kids are taught from an early age to problem solve with violence. We had a sorry spectacle locally of a man who was viciously assaulted by a pack of young thugs in an area movie theater because he asked them to calm down–they were upsetting his daughter.
It’s easy for me to say “Don’t dwell on what was, on what might have been.” Yet, Ken, I’m 70 years old. I’ve had a helluva lot of living. “I’ve had my fill, my share of losing….” We have to go on. We do not know what will happen. A few months ago, we had a huge funeral at our Cathedral for a parishioner, a renown physician, struck down in the prime of life by a rare, vicious cancer. Is any of this “fair?” I don’t know. I struggle with these things every day. I have no more answers than you, my brother. It ISN’T so simple as we suffer in this world or the next. I do have faith that, in the end, God WILL “set all things right in heaven and on earth.” You love Ryan more than life itself. Have faith, Ken, that in the end, God WILL set all things right.
So well said PK Miller, from your heart. Maybe Ken will find some peace in what you have written here, even if only for a moment…..thank you and God bless you. Annie
Whatever the future holds for Ryan and Kari, I know they will always make you and Sue incredibly proud and honored to be their parents. Love you Divineys!
Hurting for you. <3
At least your baby is alive. Diplomas these days seem to just be pieces of paper with little to no merit in my opinion.
That is not the point. Also how ignorant do you sound? His son is not alive jumping around laughing talking etc… To the father a diploma is not just a piece of paper. Are u really kidding? Its an achievement. Something you need to acomplish.
<3