I still don’t know how it happened — or even where it was happening — but the coding was stuck in an infinite loop. My only feasible option was to hit the reset button to the time of my last backup.
Throughout the day I couldn’t help applying this website problem to myself and Ryan. We are, without a doubt, stuck in an infinite loop. Sadly, ours is without the option to reinstall to a earlier time. It can never be fixed that easily. Truth is, it’s likely impossible to break free of it. It’s the way it is… and will be.
I suppose the past week, with the four-year anniversary of the brutal attack, has hit me hard. I just can’t seem to get out of this funk. I’m (even more) sad all the time. I find it hard to do even the basic things in a day. Sure, I do these things, but it’s just so damned challenging.
Even writing this post is difficult. I haven’t even responded to all the emails people sent. Oh, how I wish I could shut myself away from the pain. Just curl-up under a comfy blanket and stick a pillow around my head to block out the world. I know I’m in a dark place right now. I’m severely depressed. The “good thing” is, I know where I am because I’ve been here before… on more than a few occasions. I know what I need to do.
I will never give up, even when the darkness seems to be a deeper shade than complete blackness.
Ann H Tearle says
no words console…..SHSP NGA love and prayers, Annie
Karen T. says
Love you all.
I just don’t really know what to say, this is such a tragedy that no one should have to go through. I can only pray that God will give you peace and comfort and above all heal Ryan’s body and let him come back to you. Give him my love and please tell him everyone is praying for him. May God Bless Ryan and his family.
Dora Ann McKelvey via Facebook says
I know the loop. Hugs…
Gail Doyle says
Ken ,Wish we could help more. Carla had a very good idea….to try to get nurses you could completely trust. As you’ve written before ,this is not easy. You need a little R & R . Pray you’ll feel a little better soon .Thinking of all and will always keep Ryan relevant. Any thing we can do ,we’re here! Praying for all
So sad. Damn you both AV and JM. I hope neither of you have a peaceful day the rest of your lives.
Rita Caporicci Hoop via Facebook says
I am so sorry for your unending pain and grief, wishing also that you could go back in time and undo all the damage inflicted upon Ryan and your family. Praying for God’s peace and strength to be with you and His healing touch upon Ryan, today and always <3
Tina Tyminski via Facebook says
Ken, I’m sorry you are in a very down period. No one could blame you. I can imagine it feels like a loop. Just know that you are surrounded in a wide loop of people that care about what you are going through. HUGS!
Rhonda Morin says
Debbie H. says
My heartfelt thoughts go out to you and your family during this dark and difficult time. I send prayers to you all. STAY STRONG!
Jo Hobbs via Facebook says
SHSP, NGA! <3
Hello Ken, foremost is that I understand how you feel. How could I not when you have this ability to translate any given feeling into words that are akin to watching a play? I wonder if you always knew you had this gift of writing
After four years of dealing with these dark places, you seem to know they’re coming before they descend. Most people cannot recognize what’s happening until they are completely consumed. Thankfully you manage each time to crawl out of it(isn’t that what it feels like?) back up into the fresh air and sunshine. You being the primary doctor/nurse/physical therapist/nutritionist/neuropsychologist and so on for Ryan is a tremendous load to bear. And yet due to your inordinate strength and deep devotion to Ryan, you have the power to stay the course. I have the utmost admiration for you, Ken.
Incoming…separate note altogether….I’ve been working with a family for eleven years trying to help them find out what happened to their son. He was 20 years old when he left a small gathering of friends to walk the short distance across the campus back to his dorm. He has never been seen again. The university shut out his parents and offered them little help. The sheriff’s department appears to have colluded with the school to prevent the parents from getting answers. The boy’s dad was emotionally destroyed …. he was his only son — only child for that matter. The grandfather has taken over the search and his health has suffered for it. The fact that so few remember or care about his grandson is painful. Like you, he keeps going, for he is the only one with the right amount of power and resolve to do it.
The fortitude and resilience of the grandfather remind me of you. I don’t know many people like you who have such a keen intellect and a stubborn resolve, combined with an immeasurable love. Kind of takes my breath away really.
Sending you hugs, love and hope — because I still have it and I’m not giving up either. We are with you and your family in spirit, Ken. And by golly if we have to crawl through every single day until the warmth of Spring revives our soul, that’s what we’ll do.
Love always, Paula
carla liberty says
Words might seem empty right now, but they come from the heart. You and Sue are working at an unfathomable pace. Is it possible to have nursing help 24-7 for a few day period each month to allow you a little breathing room? I’m sure we could work on some coordinated fundraisers for this purpose. You have many throughout the US that have offered their support. Let them do a fundraiser in their states. This would not only help financially but also keep Ryan’s story relevant. Folks, what do you say?
Prayers for a peaceful day. Love Carla
Brenda rasmussen says
I don’t know what to say. Your story is heartbreaking.i pray for your family daily.stay strong .it is not fair what has happened to your son and your family. But the strength of love your family shows alot of us could learn from.i pray one day you get the miracle you so deserve.
Jeannette Hennett says
For you, let there be light!! My wish, my hope for your family. In the mean time, scream at the top of your lungs, “I’M SICK & TIRED OF FEELING SICK AND TIRED”!!!
I know what it feels like to lose someone you love because I lost my mom last year to cancer. For two days before she left us she fell into a state that Ryan is in where she couldn’t do anything. We were giving her water through a syringe. It was so hard for me to even look at her. She was the woman who raised me and loved me and taught me things.
I can’t even express how grateful I am that Ryan is also fighting to live. He may not be able to experience life the way he should have but I’m at least happy that he can still experience his family’s love and warmth. Your family’s story reminds me everyday to live the best I can and let the little things go. I send my love and support to you all, and I wish with all my heart that Ryan will continue to get better until one day he can hug you back and show you his love again. Please stay strong.
You’ve made it this far, which already means that you have uncanny strength and determination. Wishing you and your family the best, especially during this difficult time of year (as if the rest of the year was easy). Hang in there.
Christina Brucker Shupe via Facebook says
I pray that your days get better for your family and Ryan. My heart breaks for your family. I hit the “like” button because your words are encouraging. I think you are doing the best you can.
Julie Northey Lane via Facebook says
To push ‘Like’ just doesn’t seem right. But there are no words to express what my heart feels. I pray that you find a glimmer of peace today.