Summer is now unofficially over. Another season comes and goes without me hardly noticing. A summer void of family vacation, nights at the ball game, reunions, sipping a cold drink on the porch, cook outs, evenings going out for ice cream, and miniature golfing.
I miss Ryan taking the top off the Jeep and feeling that special exhilaration, especially on a starry night… a feeling that excited all the senses.
Yes, goodbye summer, I hardly knew you.
It’s now twenty-two months since Ryan’s brutal attack. You know, it never gets any easier. The fear might change from month-to-month or day-to-day (hell, second-to-second), but it never leaves. It never subsides. The heartache and despair actually gets worse. Desperation grows. Dreams occupy what little time I do doze off; so incredibly realistic. These short bursts of sleep are filled with joyous dreams (and sometimes horrible nightmares) of Ryan in various stages of recovery, but mostly like he was.
In my dreams I plead “please, let me not be dreaming”. This is when I often wake, with the real world washing over me so quickly I don’t have time to grab a breath. I am drowning in reality. Waking, to me, is the hangover of sweet dreams. It’s the steep price I pay for hope.
I know I sleep uneasily. I have trouble both falling and staying asleep. Too many times over these past twenty-two months I’ve been frightened awake as Ryan went into some sort of distress. I have no doubt what the nurses tell me is true .They say I talk in my sleep, something I rarely did before November 7, 2009 (except when I drank more than I should). They tell me my sleep is not restful and I move around the entire time. They tell me my head pops up and I look at Ryan every time there is a sound. More than once I sat up on the edge of the bed with my eyes closed, apparently still asleep.
Sometimes, they tell me, I sob — and even cry — in my sleep.
Always, always here. You are a truly amazing and inspiring person, Ken.
Your Delaware Friend says
Ken, we in Delaware are still praying for Ryan and always reading your daily updates. We feel your pain and only wish we lived closer to be able to help. Keep yourself strong hopefully this bad dream will be over soon and Ryan will someday soon be driving that jeep again.
sally ellis says
I am so sorry. You folks are in my thoughts constantly. I, like everyone, struggles with the unfairness of this situation. Please know that we are all still here hoping for Ryan’s recovery.
Myke Bos (Andrew's Mom) says
To All the friends of this amazing family,
“What can we do to help?” is asked hundreds of times but as a family that has been there, are brains are consumed with one thing, our kid. So we respond, “we are fine”. If you really want to help, don’t ask, just do. Drop off dinner,(get a group together, take turns, providing dinner every Wednesday for as long as you can.) mow the lawn, take the dogs for a walk, it’s the everyday things that are exhausting. Ask yourself what would I want someone to do for me? Then do it, don’t ask permission, cuz we don’t want to be a bother to anyone. We can do it all. But this guy is melting and Ryan needs him to be there for a really long time.
Lots of Love from Muskegon, MI
http://www.Carepages.com search: AndrewStevenBos
Sorry about your son also, do you have a website?
Myke Bos (Andrew's Mom) says
Two words-Tylenol PM. That’s how I got to sleep especially if you have someone there with Ryan at night. We don’t have night staff so I only take Tylenol when I know Steve is there to help Andrew if he needs it. You have to take care of yourself, YOu are no good to Ryan if you fall apart. We are a year and a half further down this road then you. I would share with you that we have had Andrew out doing things that he’s not really “ready” to do with just hopes of it triggering memories or feelings that would help him come back to us. Can you get him in the Jeep and go for a ride? A lot of work but one never knows. It is so slowly but he is still showing improvements. I know you have been doing so many things like HBOT and therapy to keep him moving when time is right he will be in such good shape for his awakening.
Take Care of yourself from one exhausted parent to another.
I understand that it’s important to talk while around Ryan (and your son) in hopes that they will connect with some familiar voice and be comforted by it. I was just wondering if playing previous recorded home videos around them would be of any benefit? I realize they cannot see the video, but would be able to hear familiar voices/settings that they were involved in. I’m terribly sorry if that seems like outlandish thought, but anything’s worth a try, right?
Not at all outlandish. I have put together several soundtracks of songs and home videos he loved growing up… all the way back to The Lion King. I also include commercials and TV theme songs that he enjoyed.
What about family videos shot while the kids were growing up? The more I read up on everything about Ryan, the more I admire everything that you’re doing for him. He is very lucky to have your caring and strength beside him.
To continue to care for Ryan, you need to take care of yourself. You would probably sleep better if you slept if your own bed in your own room. You can use a baby monitor with a tv screen to check on Ryan during the night. Do you have a night nurse? If so, you need to trust them to do their job and get the rest you need. You cannot continue at this pace as you will end up with health problems that may prevent you from caring for Ryan daily. Praying for your family daily.
Will Nier says
Ken, I am so sorry for your pain. You have such great love. All I can offer is my support in prayer and thought for you and your family.
Jen Hurley says
thinking about your family every single day and praying. thank you so much for showing what true love, strength and dedication really is.
Ken, you are such a gifted writer. You are able to convey your feelings so poignantly, that your words often bring certain songs, poetry and art to mind. Today I can’t help but think of this:
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
I feel sad too, not because I don’t have hope — I definitely do — but because of all the sorrow you and your family have endured. Believe me you are not crying alone.
In keeping with the artistic mood your writing has elicited, I will end with these lyrics from Team Diviney to you….
When you’re weary, feelin’ small
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all.
I’m on your side, Oh, when times get rough
And friends just can’t be found.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down…
Always with you in spirit, walking the whole journey, never leaving, and still believing in the power of love, hope and prayers.
Love & hugs, Paula
Gail Doyle says
Paula ,You always have the right words, whether your own or lyrics .I am so proud to be a part of Team Diviney and will always pray with hope and love for Ryan and his family Love Gail
Ken, My heart continues to ache for you, Sue and Kari, especially on the 7th of each month that passes. Still here for you, praying every day for Ryan’s healing and continued strength for you to see this through. Much love, Peggie
Link Mindy said… I have no words for you ~ only love and compassion.
Carla Liberty says
Lord, remember those who are crushed in spirit, comfort them, give them renewed strength and hope. SHSP NGA <3
Ken, So sad. What you are going through in life now is not fair!
For this to happen to you Ryan, such a funny and fun guy is not fair.
Know that we are always thinking of you and praying for you.
Ken, my heart breaks for you and the turmoil you go through every day, but especially on the 7th of the month. But you have such good in you. You are an eloquent writer. Sometimes I read your blog and forget that it’s you and think it’s a NY Times best-selling author. Seriously! You are a superb home health nurse. No one cares for Ryan’s every need like you do with your special, loving touch. You are a great therapist. Ryan couldn’t be in the outstanding physical shape he is without your constant daily workouts. You wear so many hats, and you wear them all so well. Hey, they all match your scrubs!! But the role you play the best is the one that comes most honestly and naturally to you — DAD! Everything you do for Ryan & Kari comes from the heart, and being a DAD, you wouldn’t have it any other way. Please, take care of YOU too. Still here, always here, always praying, not going anywhere. We got this!!
I have no words for you ~ only love and compassion.
Karen T. says
Still here, still praying. Always hoping and believing, never leaving. Loving and remembering the way Ryan was . . . loving and accepting the way Ryan is. Lord, may you continue to bless this family with the kindness of others. Thanks for blessing us with knowing Ryan before this tragedy. Thanks for sending so many good people to help the Diviney family, both those that knew Ryan and those that have been drawn to him. It exemplifies your will in that good will ultimately triumph over evil.
How beautifully put, Karen. Thank you for expressing what so many of us are feeling but have a hard time putting into words. Your family is such a blessing to Team Diviney!
Beautifully stated, Karen.
Gail Doyle says
Ken, Always thinking of Ryan and your family,..today wishing you all some kind of peace ,knowing how far Ryan has come… And that sleep will bring rest and not turmoil…So very sorry for pain you are in,we are all here praying for strength to get you through till Ryan is better . Gail
We are so sorry for your pain, but we also believe that your hope is not in vain. Ryan is benefitting greatly from all of your dedicated care. Praying for an extra measure of strength and peace for you today, and maybe even a little more sleep tonight <3
We of kindred spirit and caring heart are always here for you, Ken, Sue and Kari. We are all linked together here. Some of us pray, but many–especially those who live in Ashburn–do so much more, and we are all grateful. I wish you peace especially today, but every day, too. Love
Kathryn Beggs Howlett says
SHSP Ken….for all of you. So very, very sorry this has happened to Ryan and your family. You are a WONDERFUL father.
Jane Martellino says
I am so, so sorry.
Know that we lift you in our prayers every day. May you somehow feel our love and support.