I spent these past two weeks looking back into history. I allowed myself to go back 25 years to my wedding. I reluctantly went back just one year ago when the days were rough and never seemed as though they would end. I spent time mourning the lose of family vacations. Yes, it was hard to reflect on these. Somehow, I just felt it was necessary. I’m not even sure why. It might have been a mistake to do this.
I learned — the hard way — that looking back in despair will continue to pull a person in to an emotional cyclone. A force that gains strength from my heartache. A whirlwind that picks me up and tosses me around, while debris from the past whizzes by and slams into me. It’s painful. It’s dizzying. It’s sickening. Wonderful times hurt just the same as sad times.
I decided I would begin “living in the moment” again today. I intend to stay in the here-and-now as much as I can. It’s the safest way for me to exist, really. Hey, I know it’s a mirage. A figment — or as Sue and I say in our marriage-speak, a fig newton — of my imagination. I simply cannot afford to spiral into a deep, sustained depression. Best just to teeter on the edge for now.
My thanks to all of you who, not only put up with me these past days but, saw me through. I know, I know… I was a real buzz-kill.
But… I’m good now.
Well, as “good” as I can be, given the situation.