I’m in quite the funk lately.
It just feels like I have no energy. Everything is a struggle. Almost like I tapped out my reserves and I’m just willing myself to make it through each day. I’m so tired. Hell, it’s a level of exhaustion that I’m not sure I can ever remember feeling. It all started back in September of last year and has slowly accumulated since. I call it the “slow drain” condition. You know, where it slowly fills a bit more than it can drain.
It’s effecting every aspect of my life. The truth is, it’s killing me.
I look at pictures of me from just five years ago and I shudder. I have aged unnaturally quickly. To see the difference in myself makes me so sad. So angry.
And I never know what part of my body (or mind) will scream out in agony. Honestly, I never know when it might happen either. Like just last night, my back spasmed. For a good fifteen minutes I was walking around like my rendition of Quasimoto. I actually had to stop and sit on the stairs to let my muscles relax before continuing. This happens with such regularity that I simply take it in stride.
The spasm that hurts the most is the one I get in my thumb muscles. Yes… my thumbs lock-up! It happens several times a week because I overwork these each day as I massage every muscle and work every joint in Ryan’s body. They ache every second of the day.
Here’s the thing, though. At the end of each day I get a rush of satisfaction knowing that I did my absolute best. In spite of everything, I pushed through it all. I know that Ryan is a miniscule-tick better than when he started the day. The trade-off is huge, but I’m not doing anything that any other parent wouldn’t. The difference is… most parents aren’t faced with this.
I hope you never are.