I’m in quite the funk lately.
It just feels like I have no energy. Everything is a struggle. Almost like I tapped out my reserves and I’m just willing myself to make it through each day. I’m so tired. Hell, it’s a level of exhaustion that I’m not sure I can ever remember feeling. It all started back in September of last year and has slowly accumulated since. I call it the “slow drain” condition. You know, where it slowly fills a bit more than it can drain.
It’s effecting every aspect of my life. The truth is, it’s killing me.
I look at pictures of me from just five years ago and I shudder. I have aged unnaturally quickly. To see the difference in myself makes me so sad. So angry.
Ken, sore and soaked in sweat, takes a short break between therapies.
And I never know what part of my body (or mind) will scream out in agony. Honestly, I never know when it might happen either. Like just last night, my back spasmed. For a good fifteen minutes I was walking around like my rendition of Quasimoto. I actually had to stop and sit on the stairs to let my muscles relax before continuing. This happens with such regularity that I simply take it in stride.
The spasm that hurts the most is the one I get in my thumb muscles. Yes… my thumbs lock-up! It happens several times a week because I overwork these each day as I massage every muscle and work every joint in Ryan’s body. They ache every second of the day.
Here’s the thing, though. At the end of each day I get a rush of satisfaction knowing that I did my absolute best. In spite of everything, I pushed through it all. I know that Ryan is a miniscule-tick better than when he started the day. The trade-off is huge, but I’m not doing anything that any other parent wouldn’t. The difference is… most parents aren’t faced with this.
I hope you never are.
Carla! Don’t waste your prayers on the evil spawn person–some made up person just looking to stir things up–forget her/him/it, and her knee. The only way, Ken, that you may get some well-needed support is if you find a counselor who will come to the house and talk to you while you are caring for Ryan. Otherwise, I don’t see you getting some extra support that might help you re-energize your body. Your soul and your spirit are fine; it’s your body that is screaming at you all the time. Probably saying some unprintable things, I would imagine. Give Ryan and KatBob a kiss from me and hang in there, Poppa Bear. Yes, you are fragile, just take one breath at a time and let the Lord handle the rest. What would Ryan say to you if he saw the condition you are in now? Just a thought……Bullheadedness will probably see you through…..SHSP NGA, Love, Annie
Your comment that you are not doing anything that any other parent would do is not true. What you and your wife do for Ryan is above and beyond. Most parents could only hope to be half the parent you are. How can we help you? You are burning out and no surprise with the load you carry. I’m sending you a bit of money that I hope you’ll use for your health. Doctor, a massage, time away- anything that will help restore your energy and health.
Please, only send money if it is intended for Ryan! I know that’s how it would be used.
Don’t be stubborn. 🙂
My wife prefers to call me bullheaded!
Seriously, I just know how I am (and always have been). I’m not being stubborn in this case. I’m just being myself.
Love you Ken–you do it for Ryan, because there really is no other place you’d rather be. Prayers daily for what you need to get the job done for Ryan each moment…..
Marcia,
You share lots of things on your FB page that I would put on my own page…. scripture, thanking God for all your blessings, dogs showing unconditional love, etc.
You ask for prayers for your injured knee. You post a picture saying:
“I’m far from perfect,
I could have better hair,
A flatter Stomach,
Whiter Teeth, etc.
But….at least I don’t have an Ugly Heart.”
……..With a caption saying ‘Amen to this, Thank you Jesus.’
Another picture/post:
“I’m a lady but when I’m mad I’m an evil sadistic demon spawned bitch from hell that’ll make you wish you were never born….And when I’m happy I bake cookies and shit.”
My question to you is….will the REAL MARCIA please stand up? Because if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were a paid troll.
I know that you thrive on your little visits (and subsequent ugly posts) to this page for Ryan. I’m sure the reason Ken tolerates your vitriol is that after all is said and done, love wins. You see, Ken/Sue/Kari/Ryan have such a network of love here.
I’m going to pray you get the help for your knee. Then I’m going to pray you get help for your hateful heart. The Jesus I know would ask us to do that. And He would also hope for your conversion out of the darkness that has ensnared your soul.
May you find peace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Ken, Sue, Kari & Ryan…..
Sending love and light to you and your family.
SHSP, NGA.
PS: The evil sadistic demon spawned picture would not have made it to my page…(regardless of the happy baking cookies portion). I want to clarify that.
I understand and appreciate very much what you do for Ryan. I know there are many families like ours and we pray nightly for all of us. We struggle with little sleep, aching bodies, and various and sundry emotions, which somehow seem to creep in even though it has been a few months short of seven years. We are doing what we do because we would not have anyone else doing it for us, nor would we consider placing our sons in nursing facilities. Bless you Ken.
Ken, don’t know how you and family do it! Your devotion and love is amazing. Then to put up with these idiots that post crap on Ryan’s page, it’s just WRONG. I tried to look up the “crazy person” but wasn’t sure of her REAL name. I guess when you’re ashamed of what you’re writing you don’t use your correct name. But I would like to know her correct name so I could look her up on FB. Just curious to see what a real monster looks like.
Here’s her FB link: https://www.facebook.com/marcia.lockhart1?fref=ts
THANKS for the link! It is truly a shame that this woman, who actually has bible readings on her FB page is such a sick, cowardice person. I can only imagine that she lives a miserable life and wants to spread misery where ever she goes.
Please hang in there. You and your family are such an inspiration. The love and dedication you have for Ryan and your family is what everyone should strive for. I know you probably hear this all the time but it is true. I wish I could help. But I will pray for now.
Ken, you and your family amaze me….I send healing energy and think of Ryan so often….I pray for this Chris Marcia Lockhart (a.k.a. Julia Puta and Marissa Lockhart and Marcie Parsons person…. to be capable of saying such things her life is definitely a living hell, very sad…
I pray for your continued strength.
Hugs to you!! I hope you can take some time for yourself…somehow, some way Ken! If you do not take care of you, you will not be able to care for Ryan. I am sure this is so obvious to you, but sometimes a reminder helps 🙂 exhaustion and depression are hard on our bodies! Be well-take care!
Ken, I honestly don’t know how you go on then I look at Ryan and I say HELL yes go on, it is your son we all would try it if it is our son, i pray for you to get a break, a sign, a mini getaway, some how some way before you are no good to anybody and I know you are thinking no way, but if there is a will there is a way, we pray for you to become re stimulated and refreshed, and I know easier said than done, but we are always by your side in prayer and constantly in our hearts. Please give Ryan a hug for me,
You guys are strongest as parents. I have admired your strength through these past years. Stay strong. Sending lots of love and prayers to your way!!!
Sorry I wasn’t finished writing, I meant to say counseling, I mean this to be sincere and not vicious like that hateful person who keeps sneaking on this site! I pray for you and your family all the time. You have so many supporters, please know that, so please get some much needed help for yourself and please Take care.
Ken, I would seriously suggest you see your Dr. And tell him how you are feeling, that’s a start, and as someone else mentioned some help from
I am so inspired by your tireless devotion, love and endless effort for your son! I am in awe of you and your family.
I am also quite certain that the negative, hateful & hurtful comments come from someone who never had someone like you in their life. Comments like the ones made by this person just allows everyone to see what hurt, self loathing and pain look like. I feel very sorry that this individual was never was taught compassion, kindness or sympathy…and this is how it’s projected. It must be very scary to feel so alone and so hateful. Ken, just know that your love, devotion and relentless dedication to your son is the envy of those who have never been the recipient of unconditional love. I hope this lonely, desperate, empty person finds a better path for their rage.
Ken this is heart breaking. Please take care of your self! You need to refuel, and probably see your PCP
Ken ,You have been so strong and with everything left in you
You will go on. Wishing i could help in some way .You and your family are very special Always here NGA
OMG…ThAt Chris/Marcia/Julia Is Sick! Bet She Won’t Say That To Your Face, Or AnY Of Us That Love You And Ryan For That Matter. Ken, Hope You Keep That Idiot Around To Build A Case Against Her. but enough about her. you are such a good person can and its so reassuring that there are still genuine people like you and the SiCk world. big hugs to you and Ryan both.
sorry for all the typos. I’m driving and speaking into my phone to type this.
Ken, no wonder you are exhausted. You are doing a superhuman job! Please take care of yourself. Being a full time Caregiver is exhausting. I know how much you love your son. Love makes a lot of things possible. But Ken, my brother, if you become ill/incapacitated yourself you will not be able to care for Ryan. Burnout–physical as well as emotional–is a major problem for Caregivers. I don’t want that to happen to you! There are a lot of prayers going up to heaven for Ryan & you & your family. But heaven still helps those who help themselves! You have to take care of yourself or you wont be able to care for Ryan. I hope this blog is therapeutic for you and you appreciate how much support you have out here. (But please block that crazy person whoever she is if, indeed, it’s a she!)
Hi Ken, there are so many things I’d like to say — but I’ll just say this for now — what you are doing is as meaningful a thing as anyone could ever do. Your efforts, sacrifices, pain, sorrow — the value of this is higher than what most of us will ever attain. Hold on, my friend, hold on — here comes the sun and along with it, more love and new hope.
I’m still here and still praying — and still believing, as always
Love & hugs
Paula
Bless you… If only all dads were as unselfish as you. Praying for strength for you and your family.
Thinking of you ken and praying for your angels to give you renewed strength.
Chris, don’t tell us what you see in your mirror everyday, we are not interested in your immaturity.
OMG Ken. Who is Chris that he would say such a thing? Chris, get off of this site. This is not for you but for those of us who care about Ken, Ryan, Sue and Kari. You are obviously on the side with the thugs who hurt Ryan. Leave this family alone.
It’s our old annoyance Marcia Lockhart/Julia Puta/Marissa Lockhart/Marcie Parsons. Remember her from https://ryansrally.org/2014/01/21/just-let-god-have-him-and-other-stupidity/
Ah yes, I remember her. Stand strong Ken. You are truly an inspiration to us all.
You simply make me want to be better
Stay strong! I am thanking God that you didn’t get another six inches of snow last night, because as far as I know, you don’t have a snow removal service! I repeat: You need more breaks! I don’t know how this can be accomplished, but we are seeing the strain, Ken, and you are feeling it. Stay strong and know that love and prayers are coming your way from us. <3
Ken, I can only pray you know how INCREDIBLY strong, loving, inspiring and beautiful you are. I know how much the body can quit on you and how you just don’t know how you can get thru another day- yet there’s one precious young man that keeps you going-Ryan. Draining? What an understatement! My body would have quit looong ago! You are Ryan’s dad and you are a hero, you truly are. Your heart is of pure gold and I hope that you know how much YOU arethought of, prayed for and cared about. Anyone who is a loving parent, or has been a caregiver knows how incredibly taxing it is and you live it 24-7. I wish there was something we all could do for you to give you a break and give you time to re-energize and feel somewhat rejuvenated. Please try to take care of YOU,whether that means vitamins, an hour alone just to be, whatever YOU need to de-stress. Never for one minute, forget that your deep love and incredible dedication to Ryan is such an UNBELIEVABLE inspiration to so many of us and that YOU are in our thoughts and prayers just as Ryan is. You are something beyond incredible, Ken and never forget that. Thank God for you.
omg not only are you an asshole….your face looks like one too….bitch ass fagg
Anyone have a guess at who this is? If you said Marcia Lockhart (a.k.a. Julia Puta and Marissa Lockhart and Marcie Parsons) then you are correct. To get an idea of her character, visit the post Just Let God Have Him (and Other Stupidity). https://ryansrally.org/2014/01/21/just-let-god-have-him-and-other-stupidity/
Hi Ken, clearly this person has some kind of serious mental health issue/character disorder. I hope you can figure out a way to block her entirely, as she needs far more help than anyone here can give her.
I could block her at anytime… but not just yet.
Chris, Marcia, or whoever she is claiming to be today has to be the most evil person I have come across in many years. She is so pathetic and vile. To creep on your site just to be hurtful and mean is unforgivable. The strength, both physically and emotionally, you exhibit on a daily basis in the care of your son is very heroic to many of us. Even those of us who do not know you personally have the highest admiration for you and your family. The hatred that she shows on this site makes me pity her children, spouse, family, and friends who deal with her one on one, face to face. I cannot image the horrible things she says and does to them. Whatever her mission is in being so nasty fails. I commend you for being gallant. Your family shows the real meaning of love, commitment, and dedication. I have the highest respect for you and I always keep your family in my prayers.
You need to take care of you. Cant help that boy of yours if you’re down. Maybe even some professional counseling would help. You’re a great dad.
Hang in there, Ken. I know that you and Sue have everything it takes to stay strong for Ryan and Kari. Here for you guys <3
Praying for you-stay strong and know you have a ton of people on your side.
Been keeping up for along time. I wish there was something I could do for Ryan and you. I believe he knows you are there. My son died of a drug over dose at 24 yrs old. I know what its like to have a broken heart. Just know you are not alone, we’re out here praying and rooting for a miracle for him. I know you’ll never give up. Take a break now and then and know we are here and not forgetting about him.
i just started using a t.e.n.s. unit for back, neck etc spasms…actually works somewhat. u can use on hands, thumbs too. maybe worth a try. hang in there, you are one of the good ones 🙂
Rooting for you guys everyday!
You need to take of yourself too. Your no good to that precious son if your out of commission. Your an amazing dad to Ryan!
Sending you energy and prayers!!!!!!