Yep. I wasn’t going to write today. Yesterday — Father’s Day — was simply too much. The emotions were pegged at maximum all day. The new morning brought no relief. None! I didn’t feel like writing. I wondered if I might ever again. So, what I’m doing right here and now is forcing myself to not let it get the better of me. I’m not even concerned with what I’ll write. The main thing is I just need to do it. Plow through it. It doesn’t have to be long. Or insightful. Or even coherent. It just has to happen. So I hope…
I know myself too well. If I let this linger I’ll go deep into despair. The effort to pull myself out is more than a guy can stand. So, best to face it squarely… emotional debris be damned. Oh, sure, I know I’ll come out the other side wounded and tired. I’ll curse the universe for its blatant disregard for fairness and compassion. I’ll point out its obvious flaw in the diseased conception of certain violent people. I’ll again, for probably the millionth time, consider the odds of Ryan happening upon his beating. All he wanted was a late-night snack!
But, I’ll come out.
Still, not quite the same as when I was pulled in. Part of me will be left behind. This I know. Only to be replaced by something I still can’t put a name on. It’s ugly and course, but it’s just as effective as a scar tissue over a wound. It’s there to see for all time. The universe’s way of forever reminding me that I was hurt, and there’s plenty more where that came from. These emotional gashes I have right now will only do the same. Every day more open. They cut to the bone.
It hurts so badly.
🙁
I am sorry for the pain you and your family endure. Ryan has a chance because of your love and we admire you for what you do everyday. You guys are included in our prayers for strength and support. God Bless you.
Thought of you all day yesterday and. How hard the day was going to be for you. Always thinking of your family.
Hello, Ken, this is the first time I am writing; somehow in my insular world I had not heard of your tragedy. As I read your note, your pain and the despair you feel with every beat of your heart bleeds onto this canvas. It touches every one of us with empathy and sadness and desire to say something to heal you and your family and to minister life to you all, especially Ryan. To me, Ken, the answer to all questions is God. Throughout my life, these 65 years, He has carried me through every pain and sorrow. I do not pretend to know what His eternal purposes might be, but I do know he holds Ryan and your family upon His breast. The best thing I can tell you is that He is with you every moment and every pain, every endless aching agony passes through His heart before it comes to yours. And I will be praying…..
Ken, we hear and we feel the pain. Parenthood is not always easy. The only thing we know is that we love our children unconditionally and that God will give us the strength to protect them till we can. We must trust God – He is definitively in control of this flawed world and has a very important plan for Ryan and for everybody. Much love, Monica & family.
We’re listening. Just keep letting your words come out.
Although we are Ryan’s Rally, we are sorrow bearers as well. I know you must feel this as you read our posts.
Father’s Day is a day to honor our earthly father. I am sure you were honored in some way by Kari, as you honored your own father. If Ryan is aware like we feel that he is, he honored you in whatever way he could. My dad is in heaven with God. I
spoke of our good times with him with our family, remembering his barbeques and parties. He was a very special man. Some contend that Father’s Day is just another Hallmark day, but I disagree. We were thinking of you, Ken, and you may be sure honoring you with our thoughts and prayers. Thank you for writing and sharin. ALways here, NGA. 🙂
Ken, I pray for Ryan and I pray for your family. My father recently passed away and we all watched a video of pictures we created for him years ago. I had forgotten the main song was Walk a Mile in My Shoes by Elvis. It starts with the following words…..when I heard these words, I thought of you. Your strength is inspiring.
Elvis Presley
Walk a Mile in My Shoes
“You never stood in that man’s shoes, or saw things through his eyes, or stood and watched with helpless hands, while the heart inside you dies. So help your brother along the way, no matter where he starts, for the same God that made you, made him too, these men with broken hearts”
Ken,I am so,so sorry for your pain and no one can know what you are feeling unless they’ve been through it. We are all here for you always.Like Jo said, in spirit ,wish we were there to some way help .Just know we are thinking of you and your family and Ryan will always be relevant ,now and when he gets better.I do pray for you all.NGA!!!! Love Gail
Sent you a message.
We are always with you in spirit–wish we could be there in person.
Oh how we are all aching for you, Ken.
As Rita said before me, God must have a very important plan for Ryan. He wants us to put our trust in Him. We realize you have been given a cross that is extremely difficult to carry. But we will help you carry it. Trust us to help, Trust in God’s infinite mercy. When we put our trust in Him, our rewards are great. It is hard to see beyond the “here and the now” but this is what God asks of us. To walk by faith, and not by sight.
When I am in deep despair, one of my favorite Biblical verses is:
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart
And Lean not to thine own understanding
In all ways acknowledge Him
And He shall direct thy paths
Please know that you are being lifted in prayer by our family, and by everyone here at Ryan’s Rally.
Love,
carla
Prayed extra for you yesterday. Knew it would be a hard day. SHSP!!!
I like Grey’s comment…be strong. Blessings
“Suffering is one long moment. We cannot divide it by seasons. We can only record its moods, and chronicle their return. With us time itself does not progress. It revolves. It seems to circle round one centre of pain…For us there is only one season, the season of Sorrow. The very sun and moon seem taken from us. Outside, the day may be blue and gold, but the light that creeps down through the thickly-muffled glass of the small iron-barred window beneath which one sits is grey. It is always twilight in one’s cell, as it is always twilight in one’s heart. And in the sphere of thought, no less than in the sphere of time, motion is no more. The thing that you personally have long ago forgotten, or can easily forget, is happening to me now, and will happen to me again to-morrow. Remember this, and you will be able to understand a little of why I am writing, and in this manner writing.”
― Oscar Wilde, De Profundis and Other Writings
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Like many famous writers of yore, you have communicated your pain very potently today, Ken. We feel it, mourn because of it, and admire you all the more for your deep and abiding inner strength.
I continue to have great hope for Ryan.
Love, understanding, prayers for peace and healing
Hugs, Paula
We all love you and care about you no matter where you end up, no matter how ugly it gets. You bring joy and meaning to others.
It is up to all of us to be here for the Diviney family. Do not freeze. Do not give up. Do not tire. Continue to be active, and continue to be a part of the entire process. For Ken, for Ryan, for Sue, and for Keri.
I’m so sorry for your pain and so sorry for Ryan and the condition he didn’t ask for.
We’re all here and I thank you for writing because I think we all knew why you didn’t post yesterday but thank you for posting today. We do worry when we don’t hear from you.
Wish I could take the pain away from you and your family and especially from Ryan.
We are all here to help see you through to the other side, Ken; you, Sue, Kari and that warrior son of yours. Whatever “the other side” looks like, we believe it’ll be much, much better for Ryan and your family. That’s the hope we’re holding onto, trusting that God is still in control of this flawed world and has a very important plan for Ryan yet. Love and prayers are always being sent your way. Thank you for choosing to write today, despite causing you even more pain.
Stay strong Ken; you are doing an amazing job with your son. Stay strong.