Some days when I sit down to write I wonder what’s left to say. Hasn’t everything already been said? Am I just giving a new version of the old theme? How many ways are there to tell people that life, unfair and unrelenting, hurts to the core? It’s a life where the upcoming day is cursed for its monotony, but hoped nothing throws a wrench in the works. That, my friends, is rational-irony.
At what point, I wonder, do people tire of hearing about it? I could write everyday about the physical pain. I could ask you to pick a body part and I could likely tell you how it hurts. My wrists are probably the worst from continually messaging Ryan. Pain is so excruciating that I’ve mostly lost my grip. If I bump them the pain screams at me. My hands have the physical capacity akin to wearing oven mitts. They ache endlessly, interfering with what little sleep I get.
Sleep. Ha! What a joke that is. It’s gotten no better, other than I don’t allow myself to get up. I just lay there and sometimes I nod off. As in the past, what sleep I do get is troubled. Dreams begin even before I actually drift off, not just mocking my waking hours but now encroaching on them. Torment, that’s what it is. I often tell people (and I know I’ve written about it before) it’s like getting through the night with the flu. Even when asleep, being acutely aware of the agony. It’s like the drunken sleep, after a night of indulging, where dreams are an endless episode of drinking water. Yet, the thirst will never be quenched. That is, until awakening, hung over and hyper-anxious.
Those times when I do just lay there are the worse. My thoughts make up all sorts of scenarios. The most realistic one, absent putting a voodoo whammy on someone, is where my mind takes me down the path of dealing with those thugs on my own (ever mindful of what’s legally acceptable). Now that’s sweet justice! Then there are just plain silly ones. Last night, for instance, I conjure up the “if I could be granted one wish” for myself fantasy… complete with a sexy pink-clad Genie (that resembled Barbara Eden) floating from a golden, jewel encrusted lamp. Hey, if I’m going to daydream, I might as well do it up right. Anyhow… Obviously, I’d wish for everything to be right again. Absent that, I’d wish I was never born or it’s a thousand years in the future. When I break that down, I suppose it means I’d rather be any where, any time than here and now. I also wondered what Genie sex would be like…
Who knows, maybe someday I’ll have nothing to lose and can act on some of my fantasies. Male genie’s need not apply.
The Colangelis says
We don’t tire from reading your daily posts, we look forward to them. Everyone wants to know how things are going with Ryan and how you deal with the latest challenge. I’m hoping the new patio provides a welcome change to your environment and helps support a positive attitude. We continue our prayers for you and your family.
Don’t give up your outlet of writing. You need it and so do we! I check daily to see how life is for you guys, what curve balls God has thrown your way. LIke you we all would like to do do “an eye for an eye” justice on the thugs who caused this, unfortunately we would be just like them them. No better than an untamed animal in the wild. We are not like them, we are better than them. I pray for you all daily.
Gail Doyle says
Ken, Like everyone said before “Please don’t stop writing,” every day is different, to us anyway and we get to hear how Ryan ‘s doing. Hope you get some help for you. Wrists, back ,hands,etc..You really need it! So very sorry for all you and Sue are going and I pray those “thugs” get all that should be coming to them and more! I know your feelings on this subject ,but I Still pray God gives you the strength and help you need and that Ryan gets better and better We’re all here for you and Ryan and your family will always be relevant!!!! Love gail
I am thinking that this blog is helpful for you…one way of getting some of this stuff a teeny tiny bit out of your head….I do think someday you would be of great help to people in general to do some public speaking. For schools, community centers, maybe even for prof. sports teams as a means of helping to understand how sports fanaticism and unbridled emotions/aggression can result in tragedy.And I think you should write a book someday….kind of like Tuesdays With Morrie. father’s story of heartbreak and sorrow. But, I am just someone who wishes they could do more for you, and maybe I am off track, but it is about the only way I can think to have some small piece of good come from this.
Blessings to you.
Sandy Martin says
I feel the same way as Helen, please do not stop writing. SHSP
Please don’t stop writing, I check everyday and get nervous when you don’t post. I wish you and your family well, please take care of yourself (Ryan needs you, oh and Sue & Kari as well).
Well personally I think you’re far more awesome than any genie and no genie is worthy of you Ken!! Also … sometimes everything just seems to suck even more so than at other times. I’m deeply sorry and sad that this is the level of sorrow you are carrying within.
But for the love of all that’s good, please *do not* stop writing!!!! For the record, you don’t repeat yourself, I always learn something new, and darn it I look forward to reading your blog every day! Okay I realize that’s pure selfishness on my part. I appreciate your excellent writing, I am grateful for all the information you share and most of all, I’m just thankful you let us be a part of your lives.
You are carrying the weight of it all, but we want to carry some too. If nothing else, please don’t shut us out all together. That would totally suck. You might not need us but we need you and Ryan. When you don’t post, it’s like a day without sunshine. How corny is that, but it’s true.
By the way, you need carpal tunnel supports for your hands, some kind of brace for your back, etc. Please take care of you, there is only one of you, one Ken Diviney, and you are loved, respected, admired and as you well know, very needed. Stay the course, handsome knight — your son is getting better because you never gave up on him. You’re a hero to us!! Please don’t take our sunshine away.
Lots of love, hugs, admiration and caring for you…and…prayers always and forever.
Oh Ken, how could we ever adequately express how sorry we are for all the pain you must endure 24/7? To say we feel it with you would be an insult, but we do wish (there’s that genie again…) we could take it away from you or at least help ease your burden. Yet we have faith that someday all of your sacrifices and Sue’s, made out of pure love for your children, will have been worth it. For me, when the hurt of present circumstances and fear for the future feel overwhelming, that’s when I take comfort in God’s promises for us — especially that this life is not all there is. I know He still has a good plan for Ryan and for you personally, and I pray every day that He will provide the comfort, hope, encouragement, strength and faith you need to see it through to completion. Sending you all big hugs and powerful prayers today <3
I hope that writing helps you…you express your pain so vividly and at times with great humor. You may not want to be here, but Ryan is lucky to have you here taking care of him and loving him. We continue to hope for his recovery and seeing him hold his head up the other day was inspirational.
“Male Genies need not apply”–you still manage to keep a sense of humor. We never tire of you and your life’s narrative.