My phone rings. I know it’s my wife based on the ringtone I selected for her. I pick up.
Sue: “You okay?”
Me: “Relatively speaking, I suppose.”
Sue: “I’m concerned because you haven’t posted to the website in a few days.”
I say something that I hope appeases her and get off the call. Actually, no, I’m not okay. I’m far from okay. I’m the opposite of okay. I’m the anti-okay. But that’s a story for another day. Any future day would work for this, actually.
Our short call made me think. I came to an awful realization. She tunes into how I’m feeling just like others do. By reading what I say online. Really, it’s the only way she could know since our communication is essentially controlled by what needs done next. We have no choice. It always anticipating our next crises. Did we get the medicines? What was Ryan’s oxygen saturation today? Was he cold? How do his lungs sound? What were the results of the day’s urine test? Color and odor? Did he have a bowel movement? Did he do anything new? Did Kari call? Do you know how she’s doing in her classes? Well, you get the idea…
<via http://deimos.ca/>
Ah, yes, it is a marriage caught up in the debris field of the situation. We each hunker down in our marital foxholes, heads down, and will come out when the shelling (hopefully) stops. We each take turns on patrol, combing the horizon for impending danger. Meanwhile, the other continually fortifies the trench… well, at least keeps it from caving in. There’s no R&R when the battle rages on all sides.
Then another realization. How do I tune into how she’s feeling? The truth was lobbed into my foxhole like a live stun-grenade. I don’t. I have completely abandoned it somewhere along the line. Very early on, as best I can recollect. Sadly, I rely entirely on her to tell me.
I just hope she does.
I just thought you were taking a much-deserved break. After all, you have so much on your plate. Even though completely relaxing is likely not an option and is, I’m sure, considered a luxury for someone who is a full-time caretaker, not having to think about a post-of-the-day is a good start to taking a mental break. Sometimes it’s the little things that allow us to free ourselves from routine that bring us some of the best temporary moments of relief.
Whether you post or not, just do what you feel you need to do to take care of yourself. We’ll be here when you get back.
Ken, you need to keep posting because it’s an outlet for you; and it also benefits so many who routinely come to the site to read your posts. Your writings are good and touch several areas; they provide updates on Ryan which is top priority. At times they are educational through use of latest media technology with videos & pictures, some contain humor, some are good story telling, all in all — the posts are enjoyed by many and have checking-in has become a part of their daily routine. Thank you for posting and running this site.
I too don’t know how you have posted every day! Our blog was started by my family and it was updated quite regularily. Then I took over and do what I can but it is for sure not every day! I get to the end of the day and I don’t have one once of energy left and I am not even doing as much as yall!
As people tell me all the time, don’t apologize for it! We all look forward to your posts and know that if something was going aray that you would let us know as soon as possible.
I live with trying to be in tune with Ben. I can pick it up from him for the most part but he cannot for me. It stinks to not have that. I guess it is all apart of me communicating with him my feelings!
Sue knows you well enough to call you right when you needed it to see how you were. I think even through all of the things are you going through you are more in tune with each other then you think you are…
It plain ole sucks though and you guys nor us should have ever been where we are but unfortunately we are.
We must keep trudging though the mud that often sinks us along the way but at the same time keep looking forward even when it is harder then we even imagined!
Wish I could come out there and put my nursing skills to work so that you and Sue could get out for a bit together!
Be blessed today!
Ken, How you do post every day is unbelievable with all you have going on. Of course we all worry about how Ryan is doing when we don’t see a post for a few days, and you and Sue too.. Probably deep down you too know how Sue is feeling ( like you,) You’re both going through an unbearable situation and doing all that is humanly possible, and than some, for your handsome son as he gets better. Always here for Ryan, you Sue and Kari. Ken,post when you can ,we’ll always be here NGA …..Love gail
Ken, I am so sorry you are feeling so sad/overwhelmed/despondent…you have every right to feel this way, but of course it hurts our hearts to know this. Still, I’d rather read your insightful albeit at times painfully raw writing than not a all.
You make very astute comments about the complete absorption of your’s and Sue’s energy and focus on the tremendous responsibility you bear. The impact of what was done to Ryan extends far beyond his injuries –I’m not even sure I could make a complete list of all the ways your lives have been affected and how much your whole family has suffered. This hurts me so.
Thank God you two love and respect each other.
I can only hope that you & Sue know how much all of care about you. We are here to help and support you as best we can. I know you don’t like asking for help, but sometimes you’ve got to spell it out to us so we know what you need.
My heart is with you and your family and I am praying you will feel better soon. We love you and your beautiful family.
Always here, always praying…Paula
Sending you the link for John Fogerty’s Suzy Q for your Sue when she comes home. This is her song from you! I thought about “Bad Moon on the Rise,” because that’s how things have been going around here (well, you had to ask!), but you don’t need anymore bad stories! Then I thought about Sue, and poof — bad mood was gone! Give sweet Sue a big hug from us over here ‘cross the river. How is Ryan? We think about him and talk about him and you all many times during the day. Hope he doesn’t have the “after Christmas syndrome” like so many of us. Thinking of getting out our old Valentine’s Day decorations just to brighten things up. When I’m looking for them, maybe I’ll come across the old patio dresses from the sixties and some CCR LPs. Are you a fan?
I am a fan.
I was honestly just about to text Cam. I had gone in to rr.org to see if I had missed a post and worried when I hadn’t. We love you both so much… almost as much as we love Ryan <3.