It’s crazy when — and how — I feel about certain things. My whole way of thinking changed. Not entirely for the better, I might add. In many ways, I not as good of a person as I once was. That’s not to say I was up for canonization or anything like that before. My many poor qualities would have prevented that for sure. I almost hate telling you about what I am about say. Still, I just need to get this out. Sure, it’s despicable and childish and won’t win me over any sympathy. I get that. I suppose, maybe, it might give me (and you) a little better insight into my mind. Perhaps, if this goes as hoped, it will liberate me from feeling this way in the future.
Some time back a friend posted about something wonderful that happened in their child’s life (Sorry, I need to be a bit ambiguous here). It raised something in me that was not like me before. Sure, it’s not the first time a parent has proclaimed their pride via social network. Hell, that’s what we parents do. It’s our earned right to brag. So, to all parents out there… brag your ass off. You deserve it.
Anyhow, I was not pleased by the news. Not at all excited. I was pissed and sad. I was resentful and envious. In a word, I was jealous. It only lasted for an instant, but I can’t deny I felt it. Unlike the lowlifes (and families) who created this hell, I try to own up — be it actions or thoughts — to myself. This emotion is so unlike me… or was, so unlike me. What new depth had I reached? Sometimes I even amaze myself with what I can achieve.
My thought (remember, it was brief) was so unkind as I read the update on FaceBook, How dare you dangle this in my face? Why are you flaunting the unattainable for me? Oh, how I wanted to just type in a nasty comment. Something simple, like “Congratu-f*%k-a-lations”. I laughed at myself for the new word I just made up (I still giggle about it) and it shook me from my jealousy. Thank goodness! I guess I’ll just keep that word in my arsenal for the day those thugs might accept responsibility.
Yes, that seems like the proper time to use it.
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The Colangelis says
I understand your being frustrated and it’s certainly OK to release your frustrations on this board from time to time as a release. Hope Ryan is resting and doing well.
Been there done that…several times! It’s super hard when others lives move forward in delightful ways while ours are in a standstill or completely changed. As Ben would say’, “look at all the carefree people in the world!”
Don’t feel bad in these times…we all have them!
Ms. Blasé says
I say add it to the Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/). Soon after you do, I bet you’ll be hearing it in neighborhoods, offices, and DMVs all across America 🙂
Jill in Morgantown says
Do you have a right to feel that way?…..ABSOF***INGLUTELY!!!!! There’s another new curse word you can use :):) You have every right to feel that way and its perfectly normal. We still love you no matter what. SHSP in Morgantown
Omigosh! However will we master the spelling of our new words? !! Cut and paste! That’s it!
I know the holiday season is almost over, but I heard this one the other day. I was wished a “Happy ChistmaHanaWanza” by an overly PC chap. Almost made my head explode. On the other hand, Ken’s new word seems very therapeutic. I wished I had it then as a response. (Did I say that out loud? #%&* IT!)
Im all over that new word!
KERI DEZELL says
Soooo flipping normal! PLUS you have every right to feel that way. You’re whole world has been turned upside down, and worse yet, your baby’s world has been turned upside down leaving you the repercussions that resemble what I believe, hell might look like. How should a parent in your position feel? I get it. I get it. I get it… AND in my opinion, it is one of the best things you can do for yourself. By saying it outloud, you are helping to free yourself from the constant internal dialogue that haunts you. That in itself, may help to lighten the heavy burden on your back. I also think that it gives others “insight” into your constant nagging heartache. Thank you for your honesty, your courage and your strength. I admire it and you.
GO KEN GO!
With love and in prayer,
Keri, my Frankie and Family
Oh no! You’re not the evil twin, Kenneth! Too much love blowing your way, and love conquers all — even evil twins. You are so normal, it’s almost too much for me some days — days when I can feel that you would like to roll yourself up into a ball and roll under a chair and hide — away from it all. I am so glad you let it out — all of it — for I am sure that this has saved your sanity. Many of us can relate, and we are the ones who either let it out or explode. Thank you for introducing your new word, which is now ours, too. Try to think of some others — we need help, too, and words help. Let it out, let it all out — you’re the dad!
We all have faults that need to be worked on. If we didn’t I guess we would be like God and that might become boring. I mean just sitting around all day perfect.
Diane in Delaware says
Welcome to the human race! I have similar “episodes” frequently. However, I seldom take the blame. I blame it on my “evil twin”, Mindy Carol, named after two of my ex sisters-in-law. When I go off on a classroom full of inattentive students and finally get their attention, I get very quite, look around and say, “I was out of the room for a minute. Did you meet my evil twin “Mindy Carol?’ It takes a while before they figure out I have an “alter-ego.” Gee maybe J.B. (jealous bastard) could be your evil twin – just blame it on “J.B.” Yeah, that works for me – welcome the family, J.B.
Oh I love this idea! Can we vote on an evil twin name for you Ken? Then he can occasionally post for you!
I AM the evil twin. The “good twin” went missing on November 7, 2009.
Gail Doyle says
Ken , Yes ,save new “.word”..,.Sometimes people can’t understand how it hurts to hear good news (not that they shouldn’t feel it themselves) when your life ,right now , is hurting and so unbearably painful .Its probably hurt and sadness you feel than actual jealousy. I wish for the day when it”s you writing an e-mail about something great Ryan did and you will soon .Always here. Say hi to Ryan and Sue and hope Kari feels better .A peaceful day to all Love gail
You know Ken, when I posted about Ann Husted’s engagement, it actually DID cross my mind that if you/Sue read it, it would create a pang. I don’t know if it was that post or someone elses, but at the time I posted it I also thought how unfair it was that as Ryan lays in a bed we are celebrating her engagement. I too think you are entitled to those feelings. I remember reading all folks joy at Christmas 2 years ago and having the same feelings that the world was moving forward and I just wanted it to stop. Love you Ken, as always. Give Ryan a kiss for me today please… but not Kari. You don’t need strep! Hugs for Kari and Sue too <3.
Don’t be too hard on yourself: we’ve all got an inner jerk just waiting to rear his ugly head. All things considered, you’re not doing too bad! Thanks for sharing with us: “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy (Prov. 28:13).”
I believe there is plenty of mercy for you, even if most of the time you can’t see it. You’ve got an army of supporters who love you.
I would say your feelings are very normal… It’s a reminder of what you don’t have right now. I get it. It’s very very very difficult going through this, on so many levels. Believe me you are still a good person, even better…look at these fabulous words you can come up with. (I may have to borrow it sometimes).
Ps I can see you now on the Today show explaining to Matt Lauer how you came up with this new word. 🙂
Ann H Tearle says
I love the new word…can i invoke it too? Ken, it goes without saying that i am beyond sorry you are where you are at–however, that you are willing to externalize your feelings is fantastic. Not only because you are a great writer, but because those who ‘journal’ (as you do in this blog) stay well. Yes, well. New word says it all–do you think they will publish it in the dictionery eventually?? SHSP, prayers and love to Team Diviney,Annie
Feel free to pull it out when needed! Just be sure to cite me. 😉
John Maletta says
I’ve already used it twice this morning (in my head).
John Maletta says
Ken, I’d be worried about you if you didn’t think that way. It’s human nature to hear about other people’s success and associate it to our own situations. Nice job resisting the urge to post your new word (although I probably would have cracked up laughing if I would have seen it). 😉