I decided to fight my intuition. How easy would it be for me to write a real tear-jerker today? You see, past Christmas Eves and Christmas mornings in our home were special. Almost magical. No, they were magical. They were days filled with excitement so intense, we had trouble sleeping and staying asleep. How many Christmas mornings were we up hours before the sun? Yes, it was magical.
The magic… eh, it’s gone. Christmas miracles? That’s just a cruel joke. Nobody talks about this happening for Ryan anymore anyhow. I guess being let down the past two years would just make me look silly if I even thought about it. Forget about the Grinch stealing my Christmas. Vantrease and May did that just fine. Us poor Who’s down in WhoVille…
While I’m at it, forget about Scrooge too. He doesn’t hold a candle to me. That pathetic bastard is not even close. I got his “Bah Humbug” right here (if you can, imagine me grabbing my crotch now). Any ghosts that might consider visiting me tonight best expect a lot of questions to answer. It would be like a reverse-haunting. Imagine the surprise of the Ghost of Christmas Future when I’m pushing him out of my way to put this life behind me. Really, what can he teach me about hope and the promise of changing the future? Screw him and everyone that looks like him!
Wow… my writing today is taking an unexpected turn. Let’s just see where this takes me, if you don’t mind…
I did my best to keep Christmas away this year. More than a few times this caused Sue to get angry with me, and she brought it into our home in spite of me. Several times I unfairly lashed out at her to stop making Christmas close-in on me. In turn, she let me have it — like a kick to the nuts — and then just ignored me. Hmm, does that make her a nutcracker? I know I wasn’t playing fairly, but then again, she wasn’t either. In the end, neither of us would bend to the other. Ah, marriage…
I tried not to think about it, and I mostly succeeded. I’m not sure how today and tomorrow will play out, other than it will be painful beyond what I can capture in words. There’s absolutely no doubt that I will often slip away to manage my emotions. The traditions we worked so hard to establish will certainly break me, one-by-one, each time, as they happen throughout this upcoming evening. Memories hurt.
I’ll need to make it through watching “A Christmas Story” and accept that I probably never will buy Ryan that leg-lamp (I planned on doing this the year he was beaten) we loved from the movie. I’ll take my mind elsewhere as we read “Twas the Night Before Christmas”, drink egg nog, and sing carols as a family. There will not be the tradition of waiting until Christmas Eve to top the tree with a lighted angel, each child taking their yearly turn. There will be no cookies and milk for Santa or carrots for the reindeer.
Every year, as they got older, the kids would protest how corny it was. Sue and I knew it was… and we didn’t care. We knew they secretly loved it, even if the acted like they didn’t. The smiles and laughter couldn’t hide that fact from us.[poll id=”64″]
Donna Z says
Rmember the reason
why we decorate, celebrate, fight, cry, stress, and hope…He came to teach us to love. You’ve learned His lessons well.
jane martellino says
I think Sue is right on and keeping the Christmas traditions in place. Ryan feels the love of your family and the sounds of Christmas will permeate his being.
Ken, allow yourself to grieve what needs to be grieved.
Know that there are many, many people, sitting in their homes all over the country, who listen to you when you pour your heart out. We do. You are not alone and we will not abandon you and your family.
We still believe in hope.
We still believe in Ryan’s healing.
We still believe that love conquers evil.
We still believe.
Your Yes! Grace Rocks Friends
Merry Christmas to you, Sue, Kari, and Ryan. You are all in our thoughts daily.
Kathryn Beggs Howlett says
You have so much love in your heart for your son and family. Let that love shine through today. Holding you close in thoughts and prayers today and every day.
I dont always post but a day hasn’t gone by where I don’t think of your family. Still here, every single day. Have a Merry Christmas and take comfort in the fact that so many love and pray for your family daily. We still believe in miracles. Enjoy your time as a family this Christmas.
Feisty NYY Fan says
Thinking of you all and hoping that your family traditions bring you moments of joy, even as the pain remains.
Ryan is healing, and it’s slow very very slow, and you don’t always see it…I know, and it sucks, BUT he’s here you see him, you smell him you hug him…he is here!! I do find comfort in that.
Hugs to you all, Peace!!
P.s. Give your wife a hug, she deserves/ needs one..
Sometime’s the miracle is very close to us and we don’t notice. You have Ryan. You said in the testing there is evidence that Ryan can see and hear. Ryan is healing. I believe that. I want Christmas to renew in me the hope that we sometimes forget. Ryan is with you. Keep the traditions in your family. Keep alive that which makes you a Christmas family. Ryan wants that.
Carla Liberty says
Amen Will, Amen!
Gail Doyle says
Ken, You always write so openly, honestly and truthfully.The pain and sorrow you ,Sue and Kari are going through is so unbearably sad and it does hurt us all in our own way. Just know we are all here and praying for that miracle ,and if you don”t mind me saying …For “our” Ryan and it will happen! .Words are hard to express what I truly feel ,and I know your feelings……..But God bless you all ..Ryan is fighting and know he will continue May you find some peace Ken Love Gail
Ken, I feel your pain and I understand. Just want you to know how much I love you and your family.
I’ve never for a moment stopped believing in miracles for Ryan, and I’m not the only one. There are plenty of others who feel the same. People who don’t even know Ryan have told me they know he is healing.
The dark wants to consume you; don’t let it! Like so many others on Team Diviney, you’re in my heart and on my mind. Your whole family is never far from my thoughts.
Thinking of you today, and praying that somehow, you will feel some ray of light, some glimmer of hope, and if nothing else, to know that you are not alone in your journey. You have a beautiful family, Ken, and you are a remarkable man — which, when I think about it, is one of the miracles in this scenario — that Ryan has you for his Dad.
Sending love, hugs, comfort, hope — and, my unrelenting belief that Ryan is continuing to heal.
We are all out here shaking our fists at Ole Devil Dark! We’re not going to let that rascal get to you — too many of us — we believe in you, Ken, and we love you all dearly. Remember this: LOVE CONQUERS ALL!
Oh, what a writer you are — even when you’re rough and raw — it’s you, and we love it because we love you! You betcha your Sue on one h*%# (cleaned it up — it’s Christmas) of a nutcracker, Kenneth, and you’d better watch it! I know you will read a story to Ryan — doesn’t matter, as long as it’s a Christmas story and sing to him — Frosty, Rudolph — some day I want to sing to him, too, and maybe bring over the keyboard… …Ryan is our miracle happening right before our eyes every minute. And please, for goodness’ sake, please leave the cookies and milk for Santa and carrots for those magical flying reindeer. Ya gotta believe! Happy Christmas Eve to our Diviney Family! Love