It is one of those days where I’m having a difficult time writing. Sure, they happen from time-to-time. But today is different. I really don’t want to write. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m hungry. Even my eyes are dry. I’m what you might call a “shell of a man”.
Finally, I decided no matter how I feel, it is not fair to those who lovingly come here everyday to see how Ryan is doing. Besides, maybe it’ll get me out of my doldrums. Anyhow, I felt safe sharing my mood with you. For whatever reason, you accept my temper tantrums and rants just the same as my humor. Thanks for that, by the way.
Don’t try to read anything into how I’m feeling (mainly because I will tell you). Ryan is doing well. I have him pumping away on the passive hand peddler with classical music playing in the background. He had a comfortable night and all systems are go. It’s me. I’m having my very own pity party.
I keep my pity parties mostly private. Just myself in attendance. It’s not like I hang streamers, crank a sound-maker, and put out favors. But I’m not going to shun milking it if someone happens to walk in on it. Hell, even pity sex is not off the table. I’m certainly not above it (unless that works better). Now that I’ve given it some thought, a table might just help…
I know the cause. It is yesterday. The 7th. Always the effin’ 7th. The monthly anniversary of the beating. It brings me crashing down… hard. I’m usually over it by the next day — if you call extreme anger being over it, which I do. Yep, usually by today I’m just an exposed nerve. Here’s the difference this month, I’m still sad (actually, very sad) but also have all that anger piled on top of it. Seriously, when will I stop surprising myself? Sheesh.
I do feel a little better now. Thank you for allowing me to let off some steam. I appreciate that you tolerate me!
Ann H Tearle says
Ken, we all love you, Ryan, Sue and Kari. I check Ryan’s blog everyday–and think of you many times throughout my day, wishing you well and holding you all up in prayer so that you can all do what has to be done for Ryan every minute of every day. I don’t just think of you once and walk away without a care. I truly feel for you and what you are experiencing. You have to vent, it’s a rule and, anyway, if you don’t, you WILL turn into a REAL blue smurffff…….wait, that might make Ryan laugh out loud!
SOS — I need a Ryans Rally blog fix!!!
Sandy Martin says
Kathryn Beggs Howlett says
You’ve got an amazing network of people who will always be here for you! Don’t ever hold back. SHSP
You’re in good company Mr. Ken—even the sky is having a pity party right now, so much that a friend of mine was able to go tubing down his street earlier today, I kid you not. XD I love you, we’re all here and tomorrow is a new day. Xoxo <3
Ken, I just wrote you a long response to your post, which somehow mysteriously went off into cyberworld as I was getting ready to hit post. I am going to try very hard to see you on Sunday. I will share a letter with you then that I was referencing. Needless to say, you know how much I adore you, Ryan, Kari, Sue and the pup patrol. You might be amazed at just how many of us think daily about your private pain and mourn for what you have lost. Please do not ever stop sharing how you feel with us, we do care, we want to know, we grieve along side you, we love you~
Your Delaware Friend says
Thanks so much Ken for sharing all your emotions with us. You are definatly teaching us all a new life lesson. You have GREAT REASON to have a Pity Party for One”, we all have our own Pity Parties and NONE are as deserving as yours, I for one will definatly think twice about my next one and will think about you and realise I DON’T DESERVE a PITY PARTY. Stay strong we are all always here listing and praying for you all.
Donna Zimmerman says
Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you
in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who
would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what. We’re all here for you.
Yes, yes! Love this one!
Carla Liberty says
Me too!!!! 🙂
Ms. Blasé says
Personally, I think pity parties are better when you’ve got a bunch of folks around you who care. If you hang the streamers, the rest of us will bring the hors d’oeuvres along with ears to listen and shoulders to cry on. No sense in keeping it all in. That’s what we’re here for… to help lighten the load.
I’ll bring the drinks!
Thank you Ken for being so honest and for trusting me, someone who does not know you, but cares much for you and your family, with your most vulnerable self. I do come everyday to the site to read about Ryan, to know how to pray for him and to rejoice in his progress. You are a true picture of what it means to love a child. Will be here daily, cheering you and your family on in my heart and prayers.
Table for one? I’m not sure how you’d get away with that with all the loyal supporters you and Ryan have! Better start setting up all those virtual chairs at that table now! A pity party is something you are definitely allowed to have, and should never feel guilty or anything negative about indulging in one. It allows a chance to fall back for a minute or two, regroup, and ready to tackle life again. I do agree with the others that a little down time is in order. Go ahead, turn on that t.v. in Ryan’s room and enjoy the start of the football season tonight, have a beer or two as you relate the game to him. You’re doing everything humanly possible for Ryan, and a little enjoyment is good for the soul.
Ken – I believe cigars and boxers are a must tonight! And football! Ryan would like that.
Take good care of yourself Ken. You’ll pull through. Glad you share your true feelings. Keep it up. We’re here for you…so vent, vent, vent when you need to do so. Love, Peggie
PS I was the one who hit the negative button, by mistake. Sorry but my fingers are a little big for this device!
My apologies, Peggy~ I get a little defensive of Ken and any dislikes I tend to protest. XO
I just assumed it was Ken not appreciating Smurf humor. It’s too blue. Haha…
Carla Liberty says
Sometimes when we least expect it, an email will come that hits a bulls-eye. This one came yesterday, and I almost sent it to you but found myself doubting whether I should. Today, seeing you still in a somber mood, I realized it was something you might like. The little stories here remind me of all of us trying to help you through your darkest days…. Together, we will love you through it. <3
A four-year-old child noticed his next door neighbor, an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife, crying. Upon seeing the man in tears, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, "Nothing, I just Helped him cry. "
2. On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered
With a smile.
"Really," I said. " have to say you
don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?", the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face…
"Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
Been up to bat yet."
3. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..
On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me….'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
4. An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
with cold. A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her: 'Are you God's wife?'
SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.
Hope this put a smile on your face.
We stand with you and by you, Diviney family!! Love, carla
Gloria Gallagher says
Thank you! I think we all needed that.
Ann H Tearle says
Natalie Polzin says
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I am one of those people that check for your posts daily. I appreciate you being open and honest and real. It is a privilege to read your posts.
Will Nier says
Rant and rave all you want we are here all the time. Maybe you should get a good funny movie and watch it with Ryan. The Smurff’s.
Guess I’m a bad girl, but I vote for Two-and-a-Half Men. Larry the Cable Guy says that if it makes you laugh, it’s not a sin, because God loves us and wants us to laugh and be happy. LOL I’m not hearing any good jokes today, because folks here are busy cleaning up their flooded basements. Not us, that’s why I’m here acting silly!! And, Ken, ’bout those exotic dancers–they are about our daughter’s and granddaughters age–don’t think they would appeal. What you need is a Blaze Star from Baltimore’s Block, who, unfortunately is deceased–sorry! Our roads are closed and we’re stuck on Oak Hill waiting for the next cloud-burst! Arrrggg!
Why did someone “dislike” Will’s comments? I thought it was a great suggestion, unless their is some underlying negative connotaion to the Smurffs…..(that was a joke).
Hello Ken, let me pull up a chair and join in. In addition to all the weight of chronic fatigue, anger and sadness you go have been soldiering through, I’ve got to add…this time of year is the start of the SAD syndrome. I love autumn…but come November, Lord help me. So we can struggle through it together.
Of course I know this is not about the mere change of seasons; I know it’s always about the unfairness of what happened to Ryan and your family. Sorrow, anguish and the ever present question of “why did this have to happen to my beautiful son” constantly haunt the mind and soul. Though we can’t know it the way you do, we still see it, feel it and understand.
The fact that you can spar with your muse and overcome its resistance is admirable. I stopped writing for years and it did nothing to help my ability to cope and progress. It’s also very kind of you to think about all of us who check the blog every day and on some days every hour to see what’s going on. Yes, we have other things we could and should be doing, but we need to know what’s happening. So thank you for that.
I’m here, lots of us are here and we’re covering you in love and prayer. Even if those words sound cliche at this point — they have a lot of power — love, prayers and hope — by the grace of our Lord I’m depending on these to save us from drowning in the dark rain. Love & hugs, Paula
Beautifully said (as always), Paula.
Your words are so true, and so very powerful! Love you Paula!!
I keep re-reading the pity sex part. You might be on to something there Ken. Thats something Ryan and his friends might have thought up….”Oh by the way girls we are having a Pity Sex Party this coming weekend at our place it will probably be Sunday night.”
are right, there are some of us who count on your daily writings, rantings, or whatever. We like to check how Ryan is doing, how you, Sue, Kari and Duke are doing and How are Sue and Duke doing? Haven’t heard from them lately. I especially enjoy your humor, or finding my own humor in your writings. Keep up the good work Ken, its a labor of love not going unnoticed. You are a wonderful person, man, father and husband!
Somebody, please! Take our man a dozen donuts, a large Starbucks, a Six-pack and a good cigar for later this evening. Hmmm, a couple of exotic dancers might be just the ticket instead of those videos! Will Sue be at home this evening? !! LOL Love you, Kenneth–feel for you in your present state. How do we cheer you? There are just some of these days for some of us, and I hope there are few for you. Haven’t heard any good jokes today, but if I do, I will send them. Rainy days are depressing sometimes, no doubt about this! Hope the rain lets up soon. Always here with love.
Vicky Scott says
You are fresh and raw from having filed the civil suit and everything is back out in the open again. You have a lot going on. You, at least, acknowledge what you know is happeneing. Pity on, and then get on with life.
BTW, how is Sue doing?
Pity parties and anger and sadness are what make you ‘real’ to me (as apposed to someone on the computer whom I have never met and never will meet that lives far away from me and my world) – they make you where I can relate to you. If you were “up” all the time, I probably would add Ryan to my prayer list, and move on. The fact that you share emotions, real and raw and honest, that is what brings me back here day after day – that is what brings Ryan to the forefront of my prayers and of my heart.
Gail Doyle says
Ken, Glad you decided to write today and that it makes you feel a little better. We are all here for Ryan and all your family. I only hope someday your anger and sadness ( so understandable ,we’re all angry and sad for what happened to Ryan,but you live it every day,) will turn to happiness when Ryan is better. Like Gwen says, Hope to meet you all one day. Stay strong Gail
Acknowledging your self-pity is the first step toward moving out of it — I do it all the time! This is a bad time of year for a lot of people (and this miserable weather isn’t helping, is it?), but you have more than your “fair share” of challenges to contend with emotionally. Having that dreaded day on the calendar roll around makes it even harder for you. We’re so glad you do take the time and effort to express those feelings. I hope it helps to know that you and your family have our full compassion (not pity). Holding you all close in our hearts today. Big hugs to Ryan — we are so proud of all his progress and thankful for his amazing parents and sister <3
We’re all here for you. We still read, we still pray, we still cry, we still support, and we love all of you. You have the right to every emotion that you are feeling. If you didn’t feel them, you wouldn’t be human.
Hope to one day meet you and your amazing family.
We are all still there feeling everything with you….god bless you all!