As I went back and reread this post, I clearly see I did little to hide my anger. I considered revising, but that would not be true to the “real and raw” approach you all seem to appreciate (or, at least tolerate). No getting away from it, today is painful. Very painful.
Do the Math
It is exactly one-and-a-half years. That’s 548 Days. Or 13,152 hours. For me, I have lived in the moment 789,120 times. Austin Vantrease, Jonathan May, and their families had 47,347,200 opportunities (seconds) to at least do one thing right.
Ryan has missed so much in this time. More frequently I catch myself talking to him about things he hasn’t experienced since the beating. It’s like a time warp for me, adjusting to the past… as the present he knows. For him, it’s still the year 2009. The world moves on without him, dragging me and my family in its wake. Time is such an uncaring, selfish, insensitive bitch.
The Fallout
For us, we had to make decisions no person should be asked. EVER! Life or death choices with often no information; relying on instinct. Decisions that doctors were afraid or unwilling to make. Even those choices we made in the early hours after the attack haunt me to this day. Did we do right by Ryan? It is a very real possibility that I will go to my grave tormented by this.
Relationships have been both forged, strengthened, and shattered. The most unexpected people have unselfishly come to our rescue, asking nothing in return. Others learned there is no birthright entitlement. I’m forced to make no differentiation among relationships other than removing (or, at least, containing) those with distractions and embracing those that help. This is not to say I love less or it doesn’t hurt. In fact, it hurts to the core. Still, it doesn’t change anything. Not one iota. My promise to my son is unwavering.
I can only hope there will be time — down the road — to make it right. But, remember, in the end, time is never an ally. It’s a bitch.
Worth Another Look?
Four months ago I wrote, perhaps, my best accounting of how the 7th of each month feels. If you have a chance to read it again, just click here.
YGR prayer partner–Boulder, CO.
Your family is always in my prayers and thoughts… the challenges are endless but the love for Ryan is endless too! And his love shines out–it is a full circle of love.
Happy b-lated Mothers day to Sue.
Best wishes,
Tracy
That Would Be “One” Thing I Kinda Missed A Letter. And Tell Sue Hope You Has A Happy Mothers Day Also
Ken
I will tell You on thing. You all Are Heaven Sent! Ryan is Truely A Blessed Person to Have The Family That He Has To Take Care Of Him and Work With Him Each And EveryDay! Ryan Will One Day Thank You For Being There Through All This and Standing By His Side. Prayers From Morgantown
Ken,
Please don’t be haunted by your choices. If it wasn’t for you and your family, Ryan wouldn’t be here today. I don’t even know you personally but I know you are a wonderful father AND caregiver. Everything you’ve done is in Ryan’s best interest. Please don’t ever doubt yourself. In my opinion you’re an angel walking the earth. I’m sure tomorrow will be tough on Sue. Stay strong….your prayer warriors are here, even if some of us have never met you 🙂
Still here in praying in Morgantown
Just got home from a long, long day at work. 7-3 shift extended into 7-7:30 shift! UGH! Was hoping for a good post today as tomorrow is Mothers Day. I am sorry you have to be reminded again of a specific date… just as Mothers Day weekend hits. Hoping your day tomorrow is less painful. Glad Kari is home to help ease the pain. I can’t imagine the pain of your heartache, and pray for some comfort fr you.
Ken, I will keep this short and sweet~ I hope the women of the Prayer Warriors have been some of those that you did not know (well) prior to Ryan’s attack, have become a group of people you can rely on. It is our honor to be here, still praying for your family. We are true believers that Ryans healing, directed by our Holy Father, will be complete. There is no other option. Please know we adore your son more every day. Much love~
As always on the 7th of the month, my heart and prayers are with you and your family. I used to do the same thing with the 3rd of the month, but WHEN fully wakes up, this will lessen. Trust me. In the meantime, we’ll listen to you and try to understand your anger. We are there for Ryan, and you, and Sue, and Kari. And we only want what’s best for Ryan.
Sorry, I clicked reply before I edited. “WHEN Ryan fully wakes up”
Any decision made with pure love from you heart Ken is never the wrong one. The right decisions are always the hard ones. Regret isn’t yours because you know Ryan knows just how you feel about him. That’s a blessing. And we have medically documented progress. <3
I agree completely .Sam
Dear Ken, knowing you, if you hadn’t made the very tough choices that you did make, you would have always been questioning yourself, “did I do everything I could to help my son?” You will always be able to say, “yes, my family and I did.” At these life changing moments, the doctors are not helpful — it’s on you, and I think you looked at your loving wife, cherished daughter, and beloved son, and said, “I’m going to go to the far reaches of life to help my son.” I would have done the same thing; I could not have made another choice — others might, or could, but you could not, and neither could many of us. As you have often said, you’re the Dad. Sue and Kari needed you to stand in the gap for their son and brother, and you did, and have continued to do so, with what almost seems like super human strength. It is heart wrenching to know the anguish and sorrow you and your family have been forced to endure. If someone from the families of the two men who attacked Ryan is reading this — look deep inside, think, ask, pray … when do you think the right time will be to offer help? To you, Ken, and Sue, Kari and Ryan, I send my respect, admiration, love and prayers. Thinking of you today, and still believing in miracles.
Paula ,again so true ….Thank God for all you friends there for the Divineys .I’m there in spirit and prayer
It is so apparent that your hurt remains raw and constant . For for that and so many things I’m so sorry. I wish from the bottom of my heart that this wasn’t happening and that your family did not have to endure such pain. Having said that, your reality as you knew it, has been shattered. I cannot begin to imagine the pain that you and your family have had to endure as a result. From where I sit , and at this present moment in time, your family was presented with an absurd and painful hurdle; however, over time you’ve repeatedly shown that you will not not give in, nor give up and as a result, your beautiful, son RYAN WILL be provided EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PREVAIL. During this time, you’ve chosen to educate yourself, questioning every aspect of Ryan’s care with precision, determination, intensity, perfection and a whole lot of love. You have never “accepted” Ryan’s position “as is” and it is only over time that your efforts are slowly, but, surely reaching your son. It is my strong belief that you and more importantly your son, Ryan, will be victorious. You and your family will remain in my prayers .
With SO MUCH admiration, respect and love
Keri Dezell and my Frankie
So very true,Keri …
I woke up this morning thinking of Ryan and his family. Maybe I received a Heavenly message that you would need extra support this morning because I am a total stranger, only hearing of Ryan through the YGR website. My thought this morning was how this one incident changed Ryan’s life, his family and friends lives and even made an impact on many people whose lives would have never come into contact with you otherwise. My call to action is to continue prayerful support for you all. May God grant you peace and comfort today and in the coming days.
Sending love seven times seven times seven times forever.
Dear Ken ,Can’t even begin to imagine the pain you and the family are going through,I feel very sad ,but then see how you are with Ryan and know you made the right decision,..We always question ourselves…. but whether or not you believe it ,God helped you decide and you are where you should be with Ryan…..I also feel you must be a very strong,emotional( That’s a good thing) special person and Ryan WILL get better…I agree with you that time can be a bitch and doesn’t change our feelings,but on we go to hopefully a better time .I pray for you to find some kind of peace and for all your family…..
I don’t believe that time heals all wounds. As a matter of fact, it often seems to just exasperate a situation, making it raw and infected. Time doesn’t care. However, it can be harnessed and maximized to work in one’s favor. It can be manipulated in such a way so that it yields evidence of progress or fruit for one’s labor. Oftentimes, it’s a matter of a person lacking or possessing tenacity and/or a reliable support system that determines whether or not time will have the upper hand. And from where I’m standing, it looks like you’re well-equipped with both.
May God’s strength be with you.