I know, I know. It’s been over a week since I last wrote. I wish I had a good reason, but I don’t. For whatever reason I’m feeling so defeated lately. I really have no doubt that I’ve felt this way before… and to this degree. I just can’t remember when.
I suppose there’s not a single reason.
It bothers me that both Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May (both of Newark, Delaware) are free. Then there’s the coping with Ryan’s sunken head every day; both looking at him in this condition and the constant anxiety related to his vulnerability. Add to this that another summer has gone by without a family vacation.
I’m also feeling the grief mounting as the fifth anniversary approaches in a matter of months. Five years! It just doesn’t seem real. I keep hoping that one day I will wake and find this was all a terrible nightmare.
Sadly, hope can only do so much.
Hope has limitations.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise either. I know this about hope. It is constrained by reality. It must concede to circumstances and surrender to practicality. So, maybe hope is never lost, but just can’t be where it is desperately wanted. Today — like so many days before — I must be content to close my eyes and let hope wash over me. Allow it to carry me away, even if it’s only in my mind.
Once done, I’ll blink back to reality and know it was only a fantasy. Despair will quickly remind me of that.