Yesterday is a blur. I remember doing things — everything — but not necessarily in the order they occurred. I just threw myself into the day, leaned into it, and woke up this morning feeling like it happened eons ago. Weird. Surreal might be the word that best describes it. I only thought about it for a moment, as I was coming out of the haze of sleep, then sat up telling myself out loud “welcome to the real world”. Not very welcoming and hasn’t been for some time, I thought. I closed my eyes and firmly planted my feet on the floor, allowing the determination well-up in me. Yes, it’s worth it to plow through another day.
Ryan tolerated yesterday extremely well and did, in fact, rest well last night. Without missing a beat, he began his day right on time and with the gas pedal pegged to the floor. As for fully knowing how yesterday went, well, that’s going to have to wait for a few weeks. This is how long it takes to compile the raw data.
I was definitely encouraged by the fact that Ryan no longer needs two medications. One of which is an injection he receives every other day. We also had a lengthy discussion about a form of treatment that was introduced to me by a reader just last week. It involves injecting Ryan’s own immune cells with the hope of cellular repair. There is certainly a real risk if we go down this path, not least of which is cellular damage in the form of cancer.
It’s another excruciating judgement call. I hate this situation we are in through no fault of our own. I HATE IT! How many times have I sincerely wondered if I’m in hell? What did I possibly do so wrong in a past life that could call for this? Did I inflict traumatic damage to someone like that to Ryan? Whatever I must have done, it had to be evil. This I’m sure. Moreover, what did Ryan do?
How many more life-and-death decisions are needed for our son? Really! I suppose it will never end because it appears hell is eternal.