It’s been a long time since I’ve written, but I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and in search of answers.
How do you do it? To the moms or dads out there who have a gravely wounded or sick child or who have lost a child, how do you do it?
To be honest, I am desperately struggling. While you might see me smile or laugh on the outside and I tell you I am fine, on the inside, I am not. People say with time, it gets easier. It doesn’t. To me, every day is harder and harder A day has not gone by that I haven’t relived in my mind (over and over) the day when Ryan was brutally beaten by a group of strangers; his life and dreams taken. Brutally beaten… as one mom to another… how do I deal with this? The pain he felt when it happened….the unimaginable pain. I can’t take the thought of it, not to my child.
He did nothing to deserve this, he didn’t know the group, he didn’t touch the group. He did nothing. To those who attacked him…how could you hurt him so badly? What coward throws a sucker punch? Who kicks someone who is down in the head? Why? To the others present who watched and kept him from running away…. how could you let this happen, how could you walk away? What if this were your brother or sister or friend? Would you do the same? Why didn’t you stop it? Why didn’t you try to help him? It’s been 28 months… you’ve shown no remorse. How do you live with this? To the parents and families of the group; you’ve never reached out, you’ve not tried to help. How do you do it? What if this were your child? What would you say to me?
Why do memories hurt so badly? I remember the good times and my heart breaks. I look at pictures or home movies and cry. I think of our long talks and wish desperately for my phone to ring with Ryan on the other end laughing and telling me a story. I see his friends growing up and getting ready to graduate college and I feel excruciating pain that Ryan isn’t with them. Yes, Ryan should be graduating from college this May. I hear a song and it tears my heart apart. I think of Kari, my beautiful Kari working so hard at school, but missing her brother terribly. Once again my heart breaks. This isn’t fair to her. I see Ken struggling to keep Ryan healthy, providing him with the best chance for survival, but know that he too is struggling to keep it together. He can barely stand or walk from the pain in his hands and back. But he won’t quit, he never will quit. I won’t either, nor will Kari. We are here for Ryan and for each other. We are a family and our love can outlast anything.
Why can’t it be me? Although prays are difficult now… I still try. I ask over and over for God to take me and give Ryan his life back. Ryan deserves his life. I pray for his recovery, for a miracle. Will my prayers ever be answered?
And finally… am I selfish? Along this journey we have been lucky to have such incredible people surround us, Those willing to give their time, love, and support to Ryan and our family; many are also strangers. To each and every one of you, my unending thanks and appreciation. I could not go on without you, but am I selfish to accept your support? I feel such guilt that I cannot repay or return the favors you have done for us. I feel horrible for the thank you cards that haven’t went out. Is the fact I’m overwhelmed a good excuse? I think not.
But when tragedy comes to your child, how do you do it?