It’s crazy when — and how — I feel about certain things. My whole way of thinking changed. Not entirely for the better, I might add. In many ways, I not as good of a person as I once was. That’s not to say I was up for canonization or anything like that before. My many poor qualities would have prevented that for sure. I almost hate telling you about what I am about say. Still, I just need to get this out. Sure, it’s despicable and childish and won’t win me over any sympathy. I get that. I suppose, maybe, it might give me (and you) a little better insight into my mind. Perhaps, if this goes as hoped, it will liberate me from feeling this way in the future.
Some time back a friend posted about something wonderful that happened in their child’s life (Sorry, I need to be a bit ambiguous here). It raised something in me that was not like me before. Sure, it’s not the first time a parent has proclaimed their pride via social network. Hell, that’s what we parents do. It’s our earned right to brag. So, to all parents out there… brag your ass off. You deserve it.
Anyhow, I was not pleased by the news. Not at all excited. I was pissed and sad. I was resentful and envious. In a word, I was jealous. It only lasted for an instant, but I can’t deny I felt it. Unlike the lowlifes (and families) who created this hell, I try to own up — be it actions or thoughts — to myself. This emotion is so unlike me… or was, so unlike me. What new depth had I reached? Sometimes I even amaze myself with what I can achieve.
My thought (remember, it was brief) was so unkind as I read the update on FaceBook, How dare you dangle this in my face? Why are you flaunting the unattainable for me? Oh, how I wanted to just type in a nasty comment. Something simple, like “Congratu-f*%k-a-lations”. I laughed at myself for the new word I just made up (I still giggle about it) and it shook me from my jealousy. Thank goodness! I guess I’ll just keep that word in my arsenal for the day those thugs might accept responsibility.
Yes, that seems like the proper time to use it.
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